I was laying in bed trying to sleep, when visions of anything but sugarplums were dancing in my head. I finally dragged myself into the living room and started typing, since I already began writing the story in my head. I knew no sleep would come until I got this down- so here goes. I just titled it "Full Circle."This is one of those times that I am more driven to write, than want to.I am twirling and twiddling my hair, partly because I don't want to do it, and the other- it is late and I am tired. I was thinking about how I got to this moment, right now. The past two years have seen so much change, partly because my dad died and also because I re-introduced someone back in who had done great damage to me, and I needed to finish it- this time on my terms.
When I was pregnant with Katie, I started going to a psychologist. I was twenty seven, Ray's mother had just died and it was a very stressful time in our lives.( Ray and I both went to him) He became a father figure to me, I introduced a very good friend of mine to him, and another couple. I thrived, went back to school, felt very supported. As time went on, the relationship began to get strained.
My girlfriend came over one day, desperately trying to talk to me, tell me things he had done to her.This was a very dear friend of mine, I loved her like a sister. I would not listen to her. The pain and guilt I feel writing this is very big. We have long since worked this out, but knowing how I have let her down, turned a deaf ear to what he did to her... haunts me to this day. The reason I could not hear her, it was going on with me, and would continue for five years. My life would become a secret hell of manipulation. He still saw my husband on occasion, and normalized everything. From an early age I was able to compartmentalize my life, so he taught me how to do it more, I think without me even having too much awareness. I knew protecting him mattered more than my life. I never understood manipulation, total domination, control, until now.
I tried many times to break away, which would always be followed up with a phone call at a crucial time, "Did I think I could make it on my own?" Usually when Ray was traveling for weeks at a time, when I was struggling, earthquakes... you name it. Family, fights with my mother. I couldn't take it anymore and told a friend- she told me she would never forgive me for what I was doing to Ray. I thought I was going out of my mind, I didn't know where to turn, and didn't understand unhealthy people, sabotage, etc. My shame, and silence increased. I was in a 12 step program, and finally told my sponsor. That was the end... finally. It was a long road to healing, truth telling and
putting our marriage back together. The pain we both were in was so great.
The years went on, and our love grew stronger, the bond tighter. A lot of work between us had to take place to understand what had happened- not blame each other. Throughout the years, Ray would leave the psychologist interesting messages stating how he felt about him. I would call every couple years, trying to forgive- and it would end up horribly. My wonderful, caring therapist who worked with me for years,Vicki, had me write a letter to the state board about what happened. It was too late, the statute of limitations had ended, but because another girl had taken him to court, one of his licenses was revoked-between the two of us.
About five or six years ago, I went to his office to face him, around the time I wrote the the letter. It was not pretty. He was very arrogant, and that enraged the crap out of me. I told him to get on his knees....and called him the most vile things I could think of. I wanted to shame him beyond anything, as he had me. I made him repeat after me, every word I said- about what I thought he was. This served no purpose, but it was where I was at. I could see his rage rising- I didn't care anymore. I finally told him he was lucky he wasn't spending the rest of his life in jail.
A few more years passed. That brings us to around two years ago. I told Ray I wasn't through. My darling husband, this was so hard on him. He didn't want me to have anything to do with him, but I promised him it- was my way to freedom. I couldn't and didn't have it with two other incidents in my life, I needed to finish this, so it began. He apologized on the phone, without trying to protect himself. I finally knew it was real. We had some emails for two years, as Ray cringed.... but really understood. He understood me. I knew more than I ever had about his life- I needed to get my power back, and I could wait him out. I did. This was important to me. It was no longer poor helpless Clare. I had lost so much of who I was, my identity, my life. I was now fully able to stand up to him, see him in person- and just feel pity. I could barely stomach looking at him. That was in May. I left feeling like I had unloaded a lifetime from my shoulders. I know how hard it was for Ray to go through that with me. I don't know if I could do what he did.... on the other end. He is my hero. We talked about so many scenarios. He wanted to talk to his wife this time around, ( she never knew anything happened to this day) I wanted to go after him him for what he did to my friend- (just a few months ago, after all these years, she told me all the details.)We both let it go. We just wanted to move forward and end twenty four years of our life that this weaved through.
Freedom is telling the truth, letting go of shame. Predators prey on peoples weaknesses... he preyed on my friends and mine, our history, all the info we gave him. Keeping things like this a secret serves no one. This is a very common story, it happens every day to men, women, children. Speaking up, speaking out, saying enough- not living the rest of your life in shame and judgement. Did I ever think it could happen to me? Growing up following rules, obeying, good Catholic Girl- the priest, the cop, the authority figure is always right. No they are not always right.
Question everything.... if it doesn't feel right, it usually isn't. Would I think it is a good idea for anyone to go back and do what I did... probably not. I am hard headed, have to do things my way. That is how I learn. Wish it wasn't but it is part of my DNA, but it makes me who I am and I am proud of that person- victim to victor.
