Moments of understanding come in flashes for me, the big aha, now I get it. Yesterday in the crisp early morning air, as I was watching my hubby sitting in the engine of a train... smiling, so full of joy- bam it hit me.
Why this particular lesson was hitting me so hard, and how hard I had pushed back, dug my heels in. I just sat in stunned silence, how could I not see this before? I was not ready, didn't have the tools
to get to this moment. I had arrived on this beautiful crisp morn, breeze blowing, as if straight out of a movie. It was so clear to me now, I had no previous experience, and had been beating myself up for not knowing the rules, having this particular handbook.
The moment came as I was watching a very patient and kind gentleman teaching a young man how to properly check and recheck his work, before the train could be in service for the day. It was the kindness in his voice, the ease in which he spoke to this young man.
It was the first time I really understood why team work was so important, and why walking away solves very little. My lack of experience in groups= my lack of experience with being raised in a family. My weakness in life, having been raised without the benefit of team work.
My idea of teams, team work, boiled down to every man for themselves, wait for your opponent to turn on you, several at a time possibly, never saw what was coming, how could I let my guard down? When parents were at the helm of such behavior, this would be a hard nut to crack, to trust. Always waiting, wondering, sleeping with one eye open. Identifying the behavior at it's roots, or it will continue for a lifetime. Yesterday I finally got to that place, understanding something so basic it.
You don't throw people away, walk away forever over a fight. You are allowed to have differing opinions. My differing opinions have cost me dearly, years at a time. My letters of forgiveness offered cost me, by being vulnerable, keeping my heart open- with attacks. However--- the gift through all of that ....you crawl, beg God for mercy. The lessons have been invaluable.
Had I literally not had the shit kicked out of me in my darkest moments, I would not have grown, stayed complacent.
Those experiences were some of my greatest teachers. At the time I wondered why? Only with enough perspective, time, healing, forgiveness could I possibly have gratitude. Groups, much like families come in many sizes, personalities, everyone is not going to get along. I had no understanding of this process, I was so out of my element, no matter how much study I had done, this one had to be experienced. Every time I would get too close, "something" would happen, go awry, arguments, anger, frustration, division. Recreating family.... it was all I knew.
The family I created with Ray had been a different story, we all wanted in the same thing... love.
The moment of understanding yesterday morning all came together, feeling excruciating pain of knowing I had been the cause of my husband not playing on the playground with some of the kids- from my inability to learn how to play.
He is my love, my heart, now I understood all the way through something I had not resolved inside myself - affected him so deeply. It begins with understanding, then forgiveness, and compassion.
I am looking forward to both of us being with kids on the playground, we're ready to play.
