"He dropped you like a hot potato," venom spewing from her tightening jaw, emotionless, cold, factual. " But, but, but"..... spilling, tumbling, free falling inside my throat, now anguished, resigned. Bittersweet emotions now flood me, looking back at that sweet little girl, filled to the brim and then some.... shame, sadness returns in an instant. My sweet children flash across the movie screen in my mind. They are my heart, I would travel the world to heal any hurt I may have caused, this they both know, just as breathing.
It is difficult to understand, explain fully certain things in life, especially topics on parents. This is sacred land.... We are taught to love our parents, regardless. My reality, two people not necessarily even liking or respecting each other. Boom, and a child is born, Catholic Duty.... check. Again my heart travels back and forth thinking about my children, my love, protective heart, so proud of them. These are my babies, no matter how young or old, they are always my heart.
Words, venomous, controlled, calm anger simmering, brewing my mother handed me, over and over again wrapped tightly in a box. Here honey catch, this is yours, who you are and don't you ever forget it. In the past few years of viewing the screen upon which is my life : Cast with endless actors, producers, directors. Bad reality TVat best. My life, a movie of the week. Content : Chock full of sadness, despondency, confusion, betrayal with more thrills to come. Stay tuned until next week.....
How quickly we can enter reality tv horror in the blink of an eye going places our heart begs, screams beware! danger lurking. Wanting anything but being perceived as weak, less, again different from the rooms we enter, much to our own peril as the hallway of doom, darkness wraps it's tentacles around us, squeezing, tightening the vice until there is no turning back.
Daylight, fresh air, any sense of reasoning now escapes us, we are in indeed inside its terrifying clutches. Up is down, down up.... the world spinning, contorting, realizations hits you mercilessly,with careless abandon. You have now stepped inside the infamous Funhouse, and let me tell you, there's nothing fun about this.
Brady Bunch, Partridge Family all swimming inside your head. When is Robert Young, dear father on Father Knows Best going to show up in the nick of time calling out for Kitten, his girl, precious one telling her with the most confirming, reassuring voice all is well, you are safe, tucking her into the twin bed upstairs, down the hall from him and mama's loving arms.
As I sit here today, remembering moments of angst, sadness, fear, loneliness, from that young girls memories. Now, each precious moment a mere glimpse in my rear view mirror.
Creating that warm, safe environment for self is the greatest challenge, believing a different story. That soft place to land in your own field of dreams. Time, patience, understanding, forgiveness- the main ingredients for healing a badly scorched heart, smoldering soul.
Love is the answer, we have heard that so many times, see it written many places, love songs created from these simple yet exquisite words. What my heart knows today after much exploration, having now learned to extinguish the fire, once in the center my being, knowing without a shadow of a doubt.... love indeed is the answer. Fruitless going 'round, under, over it. Through it--- the way to true love for self. Now time to feel, understand, release, believe. Knowing, it was never a true and accurate screen upon which we viewed our life.
A simple distortion of this viewing, made from another's projector. How could that projector possibly see into one's heart, possibly know how the movie plays out. After all --- it was just a projection. On the road to learning, understanding... many forks in the road chock full of potholes, twists and turns as we bravely venture on, no need to turn back. Who we really are takes bold courage, willingness, feeling the fear of that boogeyman lurking in the dark night, simply praying for dawn.
Trust, faith, one foot in front of the other.... simple words, no simple act.
Hot potato.... no, I am no hot potato! Simply another projection. I am me- funny, frightened, courageous, introspective, impatient, loving, petty,
silly, childlike and wiser with every step I take.
