It's funny the self importance of who I thought I was, and discovered in a hurry... I simply wasn't. It has been an ego check time to move forward. In order for me to let go of my old life and what I had grown accustomed to, I had to feel it hard ~ that would come in the form of rejection, or what I took as rejection. But the thing I was unwilling to look at, I had not formed relationships that were whole. Still remnants of the damaged past I carried.
Like trophies that kept getting bigger in each relationship, I could not outrun my past until I simply stopped running. This past week my legs no longer held the speed, the sprint.
I couldn't even find my shoes. I let it be, unfold, let the horror I didn't want to face ~ in.
It is not as though I didn't create The Freak Show. Sometimes it is just so easy to forget
that we are "The Stars" in our own Lifetime Movie. I feel, and have felt I am the funny girlfriend, or tragic loser. But I don't think I have ever claimed "The Starring Role."
Lead Actress, the role I have fantasized about my whole life. Beautiful Harlequin Romance Babe's
in their long flowing gowns, ample cleavage, of course and the most beautiful tresses this side of The Pico's. Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, does it matter?
I wanted to be the beautiful Maiden rescued. My Prince on some swell horse riding up,swooping me in his arms. As I write this, I feel sad for the young girl in me. So sweet,desperate, alone, clinging to anything to believe to escape reality. I have punished that Sweet Young Princess with so many dreams that gave my heart hope, and kept it open to one day be able to love.
That beautiful young girl did lead me to my love, Raymond. I think we rescued each other, and finally ourselves. We both now need to fully claim our Lead Actor Roles.
It is time. We have put in the hours on this stage called our lives. So from the past week, whatever pain or confusion I have felt,I am moving away from what no longer fits me. I also feel like I just unloaded a thousand pound back pack off me. I told myself the truth. It definitely was not popular. I am sure there will be more aftermath from my actions. It no longer matters to me. The pain of betraying myself, for approval, love, to be liked... leaves me an empty shell.
No more Co-Starring in my own life. I will take whatever life brings me. Time to step into my own Spotlight. I have lived in a cave for long enough, played it safe, towed the line. Secret thoughts, dreams, hopes... don't rock the boat. Such old tapes from so very long ago.
Who listens to tapes anymore anyway....
Monday, March 14, 2011
Friday, March 11, 2011
The Rawness of New
I am peeled back, exposed, shaking. My new skin is stinging as though salt has been rubbed in.
No salve to cover, protect, love me through this transition. The Changing of The Guard.
Wait... where is my Instruction Manual? No one gave me the directions on how to move forward in this part of life. It hurts. I would cry to mama, but that would be fruitless. Mama's heart never learned how to open.
Her daughter, that would be me, the youngest girl, still weeps tears from wanting. To be held, rocked,told ,"I love you," without me prompting, forcing , cajoling, pleading.
This will never be, it is not that my head does not register , my heart has always had such a hard time catching up.
Frances' Daughter has a broken heart. It is time to leave my past behind and to move forward. I am sad, scared,feel more alone than ever. My Magical Toolbox from childhood, that every child somehow in my mind possesses is empty. No more clinging to fantasies of "What if's,"or "Why not?" It is done. Carrying around that pain, repeating the same lessons, people, parental figures, it's time to say goodbye.
I am frightened like a child. My tears come from so deep in my soul. I weep freely, they cleanse and heal so I can move forward. I have feared so greatly... The Part 2 of my life.
Part 1 marrying Ray, having Matt and Katie, raising them. My family is my greatest joy. They fill my heart like nobody's business. My beautiful family wants more for me now. As they all move forward with their lives, they want Mama Bear to, as well. I have been afraid, but I know is time. I have been their Mama from Day 1. I now know I always will be, and my Raym's wife. All is well. It is time for me to go back out into the world. Pack my lunch pail, play with the other kids on the playground.I have worked hard to become ME. It is my time to go explore.
It is time to offer my life experiences now. I am ready. I know I am wrapped in the warmest blanket of love by this amazing family. I am ready to my take a leap of faith.
No salve to cover, protect, love me through this transition. The Changing of The Guard.
Wait... where is my Instruction Manual? No one gave me the directions on how to move forward in this part of life. It hurts. I would cry to mama, but that would be fruitless. Mama's heart never learned how to open.
Her daughter, that would be me, the youngest girl, still weeps tears from wanting. To be held, rocked,told ,"I love you," without me prompting, forcing , cajoling, pleading.
This will never be, it is not that my head does not register , my heart has always had such a hard time catching up.
Frances' Daughter has a broken heart. It is time to leave my past behind and to move forward. I am sad, scared,feel more alone than ever. My Magical Toolbox from childhood, that every child somehow in my mind possesses is empty. No more clinging to fantasies of "What if's,"or "Why not?" It is done. Carrying around that pain, repeating the same lessons, people, parental figures, it's time to say goodbye.
I am frightened like a child. My tears come from so deep in my soul. I weep freely, they cleanse and heal so I can move forward. I have feared so greatly... The Part 2 of my life.
Part 1 marrying Ray, having Matt and Katie, raising them. My family is my greatest joy. They fill my heart like nobody's business. My beautiful family wants more for me now. As they all move forward with their lives, they want Mama Bear to, as well. I have been afraid, but I know is time. I have been their Mama from Day 1. I now know I always will be, and my Raym's wife. All is well. It is time for me to go back out into the world. Pack my lunch pail, play with the other kids on the playground.I have worked hard to become ME. It is my time to go explore.
It is time to offer my life experiences now. I am ready. I know I am wrapped in the warmest blanket of love by this amazing family. I am ready to my take a leap of faith.
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