Looking Up

I am making a conscious choice, today right now. I am walking down a new road. Creating the life of my dreams. I have been off to a pretty good start, I think I just forgot to look up.

I have had my nose to the grindstone for so long, I didn't see the life I have created.

It is coming together. It has been bound tightly with guilt and shame. They no longer fit.

Now I see love, trust, faith, endurance, and beauty replacing the former occupants... bye bye.

The things I placed so much importance on, will now be placed neatly on a back shelf.

I have a renewed zest in health. Imagine that, tired of feeling sick? Hmmmm? 

It seems like a new way of life and acceptance I possibly feared, is coming to me. I have fought the quiet. Today when my hubby and I were  at   Home Depot, I asked him if I were hyper.  He just laughed and said of course. I wondered why no one gave me the memo. Isn't that funny that I don't see myself as hyper. I'm not really sure what I have seen myself as. Many different things, I suppose.

I am antsy and have a hard time sitting still, my mind goes a million miles a minute ,with one idea after another..... I exhaust the poor fellow. Seems normal to me. "Two speeds," he calls me.

On and off. I keep going until I crash. Time for another life of balance and kindness.

Knowing it is perfectly okay to rest. I have fought this my whole life. I have never been a good at rest person. The more tired I am, the more work I do. As if that will teach me, snap out of it!

Feel like a complete failure. I have always been jealous of people who go on vacation, and rest.

Walk on the beach. I come back from vacation more exhausted than when I left.

Time to learn the fine art of rest and relaxation. People come over our house and say it feels like vacation. I look at them like they are on crack. It  has been anything but that for me, for Ray because it has taken so much to create an atmosphere of beauty and serenity, from nothing. Less than nothing.

Today however, something changed. Raym and I went out and bought the simplest Weber kettle BBQ.

The gas BBQ we hardly used ~I think I know why. It didn't smell good. That wonderful BBQ smell

that only a real one can provide. We had so much fun.  Music was playing all afternoon in the backyard.

Matt and his friend were swimming, and all seemed right with our world. We had such a nice dinner, followed by the best s'mores. The sweet simple  things in life. I looked at my family, and my heart  welled  with such love and gratitude. This world I am creating, I don't think I need to worry.

I looked up today. It is here ~ now. I have done the leg work. Faith and gratitude go a long way.

Looking up is never a bad way to go. It was time, and boy  am I glad. What a sight.

My Convictions

I felt certain I was ready to make this decision. I take nothing lightly. Too much has gone on from the past for such flippant behavior. This past week has been Boot Camp. Hell Week. I have not written in weeks. I have had so many feelings brewing inside, I just didn't want to add more.
What I have is insidious. Only writing this, do I understand the trickery. Several things I bought into.
That I had come so far, I had done enough work. Let go of enough demons, I could downshift just a little. I always talk to my Doctor first. I decided I would self diagnose. Just a tiny bit. I know why. I did not honor myself. All the experts, The Naturalists on the Internet. Believe me, there is one every where I look. Until I saw Ron Howard  and Glenn Close again,  talking about real life. Through a little Angel who posted Mental Health issues today. Very uncool. Treat every one with herbs..... natural concoctions. Until it comes to YOU.

I am the "YOU."  This is my story. I am Bipolar. I played so slightly with fire, lowering my dosage of medication. Not very smart. Even when I write that word, I want to take it back and scream no, it's not me. I'm writing about somebody else. There's been a mistake. Just  say it's depression, sounds better.
I could feel my emotions starting to change. I figured it was only down by a third. I had conquered this beast. Until the depression and tears came flooding in~ again. FAST. I immediately started back a week later. I have allowed myself, this is one hundred percent on me~ to buy into societies belief that you can just take natural  remedies to cure all that ails. Guess what? I feel rage. Wait until it happens to you.
I am past being polite. Politically correct. I have been a good girl my whole life. I have listened, tried,
and done every possible method under the sun. Lighten up and let there be enough room for both sides.
Quit making people feel ashamed for needing help and not doing it  one way. Please.
That is the most narrow way thinking in existence. Why do you think people hide out in their rooms,
homes, darkened hovels? Judgement~  deciding that if they can't get better the natural way. Bullshit. Sometimes chemicals are just off. Are you going to blame someone with cancer, tell them if they don't do it naturally, they are bad, wrong? I am so tired of being ashamed, towing the line.
I will not hide who I am anymore. I have survived and thrived BECAUSE  of medication.
I tried every way known to mankind first for years. Thought and planned my death every day during that time. Just didn't work for me. Got healthier though. I love doing both. Still do. Just not
 going back there, that world~ to be anyones friend. To say I did it naturally. I am me. I am standing up proud, strong. I am a success story. I have come through. Not just come through, I have flourished.
Because of the help of my medication, therapy, psychiatrist..... most of all: LOVE. SUPPORT.
BELIEF IN ME. REBUILDING A HUMAN FROM THE GROUND UP. This is my life.
I am proud of me. I would never again want to be around someone who does not accept me for me.
That is my declaration. I have a family that is healthy and happy. Thriving. What more could I ask for?