I felt certain I was ready to make this decision. I take nothing lightly. Too much has gone on from the past for such flippant behavior. This past week has been Boot Camp. Hell Week. I have not written in weeks. I have had so many feelings brewing inside, I just didn't want to add more.
What I have is insidious. Only writing this, do I understand the trickery. Several things I bought into.
That I had come so far, I had done enough work. Let go of enough demons, I could downshift just a little. I always talk to my Doctor first. I decided I would self diagnose. Just a tiny bit. I know why. I did not honor myself. All the experts, The Naturalists on the Internet. Believe me, there is one every where I look. Until I saw Ron Howard and Glenn Close again, talking about real life. Through a little Angel who posted Mental Health issues today. Very uncool. Treat every one with herbs..... natural concoctions. Until it comes to YOU.
I am the "YOU." This is my story. I am Bipolar. I played so slightly with fire, lowering my dosage of medication. Not very smart. Even when I write that word, I want to take it back and scream no, it's not me. I'm writing about somebody else. There's been a mistake. Just say it's depression, sounds better.
I could feel my emotions starting to change. I figured it was only down by a third. I had conquered this beast. Until the depression and tears came flooding in~ again. FAST. I immediately started back a week later. I have allowed myself, this is one hundred percent on me~ to buy into societies belief that you can just take natural remedies to cure all that ails. Guess what? I feel rage. Wait until it happens to you.
I am past being polite. Politically correct. I have been a good girl my whole life. I have listened, tried,
and done every possible method under the sun. Lighten up and let there be enough room for both sides.
Quit making people feel ashamed for needing help and not doing it one way. Please.
That is the most narrow way thinking in existence. Why do you think people hide out in their rooms,
homes, darkened hovels? Judgement~ deciding that if they can't get better the natural way. Bullshit. Sometimes chemicals are just off. Are you going to blame someone with cancer, tell them if they don't do it naturally, they are bad, wrong? I am so tired of being ashamed, towing the line.
I will not hide who I am anymore. I have survived and thrived BECAUSE of medication.
I tried every way known to mankind first for years. Thought and planned my death every day during that time. Just didn't work for me. Got healthier though. I love doing both. Still do. Just not
going back there, that world~ to be anyones friend. To say I did it naturally. I am me. I am standing up proud, strong. I am a success story. I have come through. Not just come through, I have flourished.
Because of the help of my medication, therapy, psychiatrist..... most of all: LOVE. SUPPORT.
BELIEF IN ME. REBUILDING A HUMAN FROM THE GROUND UP. This is my life.
I am proud of me. I would never again want to be around someone who does not accept me for me.
That is my declaration. I have a family that is healthy and happy. Thriving. What more could I ask for?
Ciao Clare,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the honesty. I am glad you are back on your medicine. It's important that you do what is best for you.
There is that crazy notion in society that certain people know what's best for all and the sad part is that we end up listening to them when we know better. I make that mistake quite often and have many times growing.
For me it has always been an adult, when I was a child or an authority figure always knew more than I did and in a way I listened to them. At times I knew they weren't right, but I followed along because I felt I had to. Kinda crazy.
Growing up in the 70's the authority figure was always right no matter what.
I hope this kinda makes sense. I hope you are feeling better. As you well know you are not alone. You have a wonderful husband and family and relatives like us who love you very much. Take care. Get some rest. Eat some chicken soup.
Thank you so much. You have no idea what that means to me right now Bill. I feel absolutely alone writing this. I am standing up more than I ever have...... it is my truth, where I live.
ReplyDeleteI think it is the last pull or tug at me in trying to fit in. Hearing so much yet again about doing it naturally. Subconsciously I must have believed there was something wrong with me. After all.... all these "Authorities"..... telling it like it is~ who had they lived it, sure wouldn't be spouting only one way. They would pray to God whatever it takes to keep their mother, father, brother, sister, son, or daughter alive. Period. Experience.... . first hand knowledge seems to be our greatest teacher. Allowing people different avenues, with respect and dignity. Choice. Thanks for loving me.
Need it more than ever. Love you too.
Dearest Clare,
ReplyDelete"I feel absolutely alone writing this. I am standing up more than I ever have...... it is my truth, where I live." BRAVO! Clare. It is the companion of SELF that prevails when we choose to write, to reveal our inner most longings, fears, needs, desires. Do what is right for you - you are the ultimate decider.
Much love,
Rose Marie
Thanks Rosie, I appreciate your words of support so much.
ReplyDeleteStanding up for self is never easy. I will do that for myself, and whoever needs me to.... as well. I love you, Clare
Dearest Clare, You have indeed allowed awareness, revelation, dedication, understanding, plan and action to move you along life's adventure into the embrace of RESOLVE. Blessings and love to you dear friend.
ReplyDelete