Looking Up

I am making a conscious choice, today right now. I am walking down a new road. Creating the life of my dreams. I have been off to a pretty good start, I think I just forgot to look up.

I have had my nose to the grindstone for so long, I didn't see the life I have created.

It is coming together. It has been bound tightly with guilt and shame. They no longer fit.

Now I see love, trust, faith, endurance, and beauty replacing the former occupants... bye bye.

The things I placed so much importance on, will now be placed neatly on a back shelf.

I have a renewed zest in health. Imagine that, tired of feeling sick? Hmmmm? 

It seems like a new way of life and acceptance I possibly feared, is coming to me. I have fought the quiet. Today when my hubby and I were  at   Home Depot, I asked him if I were hyper.  He just laughed and said of course. I wondered why no one gave me the memo. Isn't that funny that I don't see myself as hyper. I'm not really sure what I have seen myself as. Many different things, I suppose.

I am antsy and have a hard time sitting still, my mind goes a million miles a minute ,with one idea after another..... I exhaust the poor fellow. Seems normal to me. "Two speeds," he calls me.

On and off. I keep going until I crash. Time for another life of balance and kindness.

Knowing it is perfectly okay to rest. I have fought this my whole life. I have never been a good at rest person. The more tired I am, the more work I do. As if that will teach me, snap out of it!

Feel like a complete failure. I have always been jealous of people who go on vacation, and rest.

Walk on the beach. I come back from vacation more exhausted than when I left.

Time to learn the fine art of rest and relaxation. People come over our house and say it feels like vacation. I look at them like they are on crack. It  has been anything but that for me, for Ray because it has taken so much to create an atmosphere of beauty and serenity, from nothing. Less than nothing.

Today however, something changed. Raym and I went out and bought the simplest Weber kettle BBQ.

The gas BBQ we hardly used ~I think I know why. It didn't smell good. That wonderful BBQ smell

that only a real one can provide. We had so much fun.  Music was playing all afternoon in the backyard.

Matt and his friend were swimming, and all seemed right with our world. We had such a nice dinner, followed by the best s'mores. The sweet simple  things in life. I looked at my family, and my heart  welled  with such love and gratitude. This world I am creating, I don't think I need to worry.

I looked up today. It is here ~ now. I have done the leg work. Faith and gratitude go a long way.

Looking up is never a bad way to go. It was time, and boy  am I glad. What a sight.