Mirror, Mirror On The Wall.......

I haven't written  in a long time. No desire. it happens when it happens, usually in spurts.
Today would be born completely out of pain. I am riding this wave until the finish. I know it will be a biggun. What kicked it in to overdrive.....fear. Nothing less, bone chilling, gut wrenching, feel like puking your guts kind. So  here I  type, ready to slay another dragon. This one is one of my own making.
I thought it was "Out there,"  but alas.... this sucker belongs to me.

I have reunited with a childhood friend. It has been wonderful. Great fun reminiscing. Sharing stories of past times, our families, etc. I have enjoyed this time immensely. What I didn't realize about myself, is the separate life I keep. I really got it today more than ever. The Private Lives of Clare Spencer. I have lived them in one form or another for so long, I had just forgotten. Always representing the truth, the picture I wanted people to see..... depending on what crew I was with. I am sure many people show the many faces of their lives. This is probably quite normal and healthy. Called boundaries. Some things are appropriate  with one person, totally inappropriate with another. What I realized today through uncontrollable tears, my fear of being accepted for me. All the way through. My story. Who I am. Not the glossy, cleaned up version. The one that I can make so normal, funny, whatever I need to.  The real me. Foibles, warts, fears, pain, and all.

Yes I love a good laugh, in fact live for it. Thrive on it, crave it. Get's me through everything. Literally has saved my life. But the real me, is one intense little lady. Built on some very intense experiences, that quite frankly I wouldn't  wish on anyone. I am so glad I had them, though. They have made me~ who I am.

I am stronger, wiser, much more compassionate.  I was one very lazy gal pal. My experiences shook me to the core, and then some. I was supposed to be shaken, just as I was today. I tell everyone else to love themselves. Yet I lack so much compassion for me. Today I came face to face with terror.
For being me, all the way through. My friend may soon see all my stories I have written, not just the two funny one's  I sent him. I will be revealed for my humanity. My weaknesses.  For me. This had me very frightened. Yes, I am still uncomfortable. The truth is, I finally understood, as I am supposed to......
it is time to face myself. Obviously imperfect, but a throw away  as I am suggesting. No.
Mirror, mirror on the wall...... am I still lovable after all? Absolutely.