"But You Have Ray".....

 Being born  a female. Yes...... in my family that had been the hurdle I needed to overcome.
The anger I have needed  to unleash, the frustration that has burst through many tears. To be a female from birth and know the role of second class citizen. Only understanding at this age, as I awaken from this nightmare I have been immersed in..... to simply survive in an insane system.

Today, which started out with the best of intentions a birthday lunch for my mother turned into frustration, anger and lack of resolution as I left the restaurant. My heart is filled with so much sadness as the tears flow. Bitter long overdue tears. Beyonce plays in my ears on the headphones as my kids sit behind me in the family room  happily chatting watching TV and enjoying one another's company. My heart feels shredded in a million pieces. So  up the volume goes, I swig some water back, and dig in.  I am lost in the netherworlds of my past,  sitting here with the amazing life I have now created.

"You have Ray," I have heard so often as though it is a prize I have won at the Country Fair. This has not been a contest. This man is my love, my life.  He is in my life because my heart searched for him, from long, long ago. Even before I  even knew such goodness existed.  I held onto Fairy Tale Dreams, and just fumes of those at times. My tears flow because I have to believe that I deserve this goodness in my life just because......  I inhale and exhale. Because I have always believed  in love, always been a dreamer. Always wanted to be loved, and love in return. Today I could no longer hear the words of having my love  somehow has made every step I have taken easier to get where I have come. The rage that came out of me was bigger, stronger and more unwilling than I have ever felt before.

Having my love Raymond, and being who I am. Those are two separate things which I only realized today. I am so grateful to be loved, know love by such an amazing man. I am better, more, kinder because of him. More thoughtful, gentler.

But I am not me, Clare because of him as my mother has eluded for so long.... and again today.
I did that all by myself. No one built me,  I did from the ground up. I am finally taking ownership.
He has spectacularly loved me through some of my darkest nights, and cheered me on   my greatest victories. He knows and loves me .... as is.

I will no longer believe the words of weakness and fear I have heard over and over again, and as I did again today. Listening especially about men being taken care of, and women fending for themselves in our family. Poor, helpless men and mean old women.  Something burst in me at lunch, hearing how ridiculous these statements were. Especially to the girl who did fend for myself at 9, and then leaving home at 16. It was "better" that way.  No, I have paved my way and then some. For myself and others to walk on my back and shoulders. I have done it in complete and utter darkness, fear. Judgement. I still walked forward. I have no more patience. I have run out. For me not to understand what it is like to be in pain, fear, aloneness, oh yes because I have Ray, that all simply goes away. I forgot. I made my own path, and second class citizen no longer washes for me. My power is flowing into me. I am sorry my mother chose a man who lived life built on fear, and she in turn bought into this life. I am now my own hero. I am rescuing me. I love the idea that I have always had a partner.

This second class citizen biz that we grew up with as girls, watching power  being infused into our brothers ~ just because. It continues and how old are we? The six of us.... three boys, three girls. The pain continues in our hearts as females. It is a role I am stepping out of. Victim. My mother has continued to live helpless victim role to my father and the males in my family. I am now happy the females have had to make our own way. It made us stronger, sassier. Maybe a certain amount of dude chick, true. Maybe that sassy biz can be sexy..... hmmmm?

I need to soften, trust. Let go. Not have to be so  strong. My hubby would be more than happy to wear the pants in the family more often. I have been afraid to let go. It is not because I have wanted to be a dude chick. Abuse, pain, fear. I relinquish, as I identify. I do have Ray, I am eternally grateful to know such love.

Everybody's A Critic

I was just thinking about the people who are willing to make themselves vulnerable.
Day in, day out. By their own choice,  because it is a calling. So much bigger than who they are as an individual. They just know, and are willing to put themselves on the line for all the Critics.
Whatever form it takes. Music, Art,  any Creative Endeavor  or risk..... let's not leave out Writing. There are so many I'm forgetting, please forgive me.  It would seem to me at times, the greatest critics..... the one's who have not left their comfortable arm chair. That has been my experience time and time again.

Support usually comes from other's who have exposed themselves on some level, and have empathy.
They don't have to be in the same situation as you, just an understanding of how frightening it is to put yourself out there in the first place. To dig deep in your soul and allow a letting go~ enough to come to a place of comfort and surrender. Then, and only then when you have unpeeled enough layers, can you start to dig in and get busy. That is how the  Creative Process has worked for me.  Feeling safe enough to let go.... to create.

 I grew up with that Critic in the Chair who never risked anything a day in his life.
He became the Judge and Jury...... we, his children  the  constant  Defendants.  Listening to  reasoning, that only until adulthood could I understand was built on fear and fear alone. Try as I may, the dutiful daughter, to make sense out of the ever changing facts." It's too hot,"  It's too cold," "Why do you want to do that?"
Judge and Jury of One, that was my father. Arm Chair Warriors are very good at holding their post. They stay until the bitter end. They fight a battle that you can never win.
I know, I tried my whole life. I questioned my sanity. My Father could make the most insane seem normal with the snarl of his lip. The Powerless Judge held Court through his Silence.

The Critic kept us all in line. Dance Ballerina Dance. The Neighbors were good for nothins.
Uncle Mike was Mr. Vice President..... who the hell did he think he was?
Meanwhile, this man, all throughout  his  life could not survive without the assistance  of his parents or my Mother. Everyone was a bum. Anyone who dared to dream or succeed. The Judge and Jury wasn't having it. I realize I have been terrified of success my whole life. My husband is a different story.  
I am  so proud of him. He is my example of breaking through, against all odds.

I have been so careful  not to rock the boat with my Father.  This has been the case with my siblings.
Make sure to give the Big Man what he needs, so he will move on to the next topic. We have learned to walk on eggshells. Learned at any early age to judge his moods. That was critical for our wellbeing.
No, I will not live like this anymore. This is his problem now.  I have had enough of that Critic in my head to last a lifetime. Mr. Armchair Warrior is firmly planted. He's not going anywhere. Believe me... he's cozy looking out the window from  the kitchen,watching the world go by.
But I am. I am creating a life for myself. I have to leave that one behind. I am not angry, just sad. Just no longer willing.  I will always make myself vulnerable, that is how I create. I am vulnerable as I write this now. The difference, I  want, need and know this is the absolute right thing for me to do. Arm Chair Warrior has done me a great service..... by making me a Lifelong Defendant, being Judge, Jury and all.
I know how to hold my own in the Court of Life.