Everybody's A Critic

I was just thinking about the people who are willing to make themselves vulnerable.
Day in, day out. By their own choice,  because it is a calling. So much bigger than who they are as an individual. They just know, and are willing to put themselves on the line for all the Critics.
Whatever form it takes. Music, Art,  any Creative Endeavor  or risk..... let's not leave out Writing. There are so many I'm forgetting, please forgive me.  It would seem to me at times, the greatest critics..... the one's who have not left their comfortable arm chair. That has been my experience time and time again.

Support usually comes from other's who have exposed themselves on some level, and have empathy.
They don't have to be in the same situation as you, just an understanding of how frightening it is to put yourself out there in the first place. To dig deep in your soul and allow a letting go~ enough to come to a place of comfort and surrender. Then, and only then when you have unpeeled enough layers, can you start to dig in and get busy. That is how the  Creative Process has worked for me.  Feeling safe enough to let go.... to create.

 I grew up with that Critic in the Chair who never risked anything a day in his life.
He became the Judge and Jury...... we, his children  the  constant  Defendants.  Listening to  reasoning, that only until adulthood could I understand was built on fear and fear alone. Try as I may, the dutiful daughter, to make sense out of the ever changing facts." It's too hot,"  It's too cold," "Why do you want to do that?"
Judge and Jury of One, that was my father. Arm Chair Warriors are very good at holding their post. They stay until the bitter end. They fight a battle that you can never win.
I know, I tried my whole life. I questioned my sanity. My Father could make the most insane seem normal with the snarl of his lip. The Powerless Judge held Court through his Silence.

The Critic kept us all in line. Dance Ballerina Dance. The Neighbors were good for nothins.
Uncle Mike was Mr. Vice President..... who the hell did he think he was?
Meanwhile, this man, all throughout  his  life could not survive without the assistance  of his parents or my Mother. Everyone was a bum. Anyone who dared to dream or succeed. The Judge and Jury wasn't having it. I realize I have been terrified of success my whole life. My husband is a different story.  
I am  so proud of him. He is my example of breaking through, against all odds.

I have been so careful  not to rock the boat with my Father.  This has been the case with my siblings.
Make sure to give the Big Man what he needs, so he will move on to the next topic. We have learned to walk on eggshells. Learned at any early age to judge his moods. That was critical for our wellbeing.
No, I will not live like this anymore. This is his problem now.  I have had enough of that Critic in my head to last a lifetime. Mr. Armchair Warrior is firmly planted. He's not going anywhere. Believe me... he's cozy looking out the window from  the kitchen,watching the world go by.
But I am. I am creating a life for myself. I have to leave that one behind. I am not angry, just sad. Just no longer willing.  I will always make myself vulnerable, that is how I create. I am vulnerable as I write this now. The difference, I  want, need and know this is the absolute right thing for me to do. Arm Chair Warrior has done me a great service..... by making me a Lifelong Defendant, being Judge, Jury and all.
I know how to hold my own in the Court of Life.