The Ride

Today is my son's birthday,  and I think it is the most relaxed I have seen him. We take Birthdays with great care for each other, wanting the sweetest, or outrageously fun experience - whichever way it swings for the individual. Seeing Matt feel like he could finally breathe- just do his own thing today made my heart sing. No more rules..... just  what feels right. We have come a long way from being "careful," not wanting to offend, tiptoeing through the years- finally being able to say, " I love you but get the hell away from me." Everyone in the family saying they have PMS.  That is the biggest gift for polite-nics. Saying how it is without fear of repercussion.
Growing up in a severely restricted household, then passing it on to the family you have created takes work to un-do.

Matt was born two days before my birthday, Katie on Father's Day. Our kids  knew when to time their births, filling our hearts to overflowing. It has been a very emotion couple of weeks leading up to our birthdays. Five days ago we buried my dad. I have heard my husband say so often - the circle of life continues on. I never really understood what he meant. I do now more than ever.There have been so many deaths of  friends loved ones in the past few months, few years. I have watched, listened, absorbed peoples thoughts, feelings, words, tributes, grief, love, frustration, aloneness, loss, exhaustion, process, healing, acceptance, remembrance.

Ray lost both of his parents at thirty five. I was over seven months pregnant with Katie when he lost his Mom. Only this week  can I  comprehend the sheer aloneness he experienced through it all. My heart took in fully the enormity of it all. No matter what stage you are at with a parent, grief can jolt your heart, ripping through your very being, while awaiting rebirth- to the new life awaiting you.  It is not done until it is done.

We were like two boats rowing in a river of loss barely getting through. Saying goodbye to one life,while awaiting the birth of a new one. We couldn't be further apart, not from lack of love, just  where our heads and hearts were. Neither had the  strength or capacity to enter each others worlds. Children became mine while I could not comprehend the depths of despair my husband had stepped into. Pure loss. I do now. If I could go back,  but it doesn't work that way.  It is the compassion, empathy, the in-betweens when he needed me. To just hold him,  listen, love him. Have patience -not let my anger, my relationship with his mother...simply allow him to grieve.

I'm not sure what this story is about : birthdays, death, birth, or just forgiveness, maybe love.
All of the above. This is what I know....  today is my son's birthday and it is a peaceful  day. I am so grateful for all the love in this home, in my heart right now. Happy Birthday my sweet Matt. I love this man, my husband- who has given me Matt and Katie- who I love like crazy. We have had a roller coaster ride of life together- that I would not change for anything. It's just life,  being willing to take the ride,  never knowing where you will end up.   I love being on the ride with Raym.  No one is more fun and makes me laugh as much. It's time to go on another ride, I am ready for The Carousel. Softer and gentler is my speed right now.