Process of Elimination

As I am getting ready to pack up from our Napa Trip....I am wondering so many things. First, we have one more day to go- yet I can't thing of anything more I'd like than to be  home. We have been away four days and that is more enough for me. I miss our kids, our home, our life. I realize more than ever what a home dweller I am, getting more and more dug in every day. The public me and the private me are two different gals- have we ever even met?
            One so bubbly and light hearted when in public, the true Leo- everyones friend. In private, I am quiet, have lunch by myself often, write, create, think. A lot. My brain does not turn off. Especially at night when the rest of the world says.... "Its night night time,"my brain says,"What's up?" Poor Ray-just when he lays his head on the pillow after on a long hard day, he knows better. He sees me fall asleep on the couch like a sweet baby kitten mewing so gently.But once my paws hit the sheets, I am a mountain lion ready to pounce.  I have so many things to discuss, and fast. I get so revved up, and as the night goes on.... my brain goes even faster. It feels as though someone is pouring coffee into the top of my head, just lifting my scalp open and there I go.
             This trip has told us more than anything what we don't want. It's not that it hasn't been a interesting drive. We have seen the most beautiful sights, had wonderful conversations. But I thought clarity would just fall into our laps as I have heard from other people when they have moved and have had life changes. They "just knew."  They found the house, met the people, it fell into their laps. None of the above has happened. We are in the process of elimination. Are we just too picky? Holding on too tight? Not ready for change? I don't have any answers for these questions. I do know I want another way of living, every day I let go to let the answers to reveal a  deeper truth. I try to be as fearless as possible. I am an impatient traveler in life.... this I know.
           As James Taylor sings in "The Secret of Life," one of my all time favorite songs-"The Secret of life is enjoying the passage of time, any fool can do it, there aint nothing to it. Nobody knows how we got to the top of the hill, planets spinning in space- a smile upon your face.... try not to try too hard, it's just a lovely ride."




           

       

GENIE'S WISH

Here's the thing, am I the last one to catch on to the fact that I am an imposter living inside my own skin? Only until I really looked at my clothes- my physique.... and let me clue you into a little secret, those two t'aint met up in some time. The fantasy of what I want to look like with those fabulously beautiful clothes draped ever so gently....as opposed to my "real uniform".... black tee shirt some days more than others stretched more than generously over my girth. Jeans, sweats - depending on bloat,
mood, fanciness of the moment. Black long dress..... you decide. Always, you guessed it- black.

On Monday I decided to take action- starting an online bootcamp. fear not.....
I have eaten myself into oblivion over the past few days so as not to go into starvation mode for the next eight weeks? Could it be the stretch marks, cellulite, or gut hanging gently that has caused such despair? Or simply feeling so out of control and tired? Hmmm.... let me ponder that one a little further.
Perhaps I will rub my third chin as a genies wish and come up with an answer as I type this while the computer balances precariously on my belly as I lay flat on the bed, forcing perhaps a forth chin further downward.

All is well..... I can laugh because I know I am ready for change as I mock myself....
this is the surest sign of change more than ever. I changed my position onto my belly, that other position is  not for sissy's. I have taken it all so seriously, or ignored it. Now it simply is what it is, I am ready to tell myself the truth, ready for change. Here's to.....EVERYTHING.

Rollin Round The Dirt.....

It has been forever since I have  written- August. It is now March. I have been down many windy roads since then. The past few days happen to be the more literal ones in Napa Valley. They always lead to the deeper ones.... ones I have not wanted to travel on. I still don't but I sit here typing in my hotel room, as Ray sleeps away the lazy afternoon. Someone is having a birthday party downstairs in the giant atrium. Music playing, people laughing.... the smell of food wafting underneath my door. Why do I feel so empty? Maybe I took too  much Nyquil? Wish I could just pass out now instead of typing away.
 This was a trip where we would drive around ( so we naively thought) figure it out, the waters would part.... all would be revealed. We would know more about where we want to live. No such luck...  it back fired. We went to a beautiful restaurant last night with our friends. Very relevant, celebrity chef kind of thing. Beautiful place..... but it made me feel even freakier. I just want to cry as I write this- why am I happier at Panda Express/ what's all the hoopla?

I just want to roll around in the dirt, into a big fat cocoon until I feel so safe and all the bullshit and pretense slip away that I have walked into. Too much already beautiful Wine Country People. I get it life is perfect.....or you want me to believe it. Can't we all just groove down in our own way? I feel like I have no idea where I fit in, where  I belong? That rolling around in the dirt thing seems so inviting- as long as there are no snakes slithering anywhere in my vicinity.
Maybe I will just snuggle inside one of my old man's snores, catch that wave out of town for now.
Until then.....