Intersection

How can I be at such an intersection of feelings all at once?
Almost tingling with confusion, hurt, anger, exhaust, relief, wanting to fall into a deep slumber as I write this. The letting go stage- aha! I was just talking to my son Matt, we were looking back on the week my dad died. Sometimes enough time needs to pass where guilt, pretending, just letting what is or isn't just be. Sometimes when a person dies, we think we have to make them into someone they weren't when they were living. Why that is, I will never know. To some, we tell the truth and it is though we have committed some act of treason. Disrespect to the dead. Not to me.... it just  is or isn't.

This story is important for one reason and one reason alone, it allows everyone to feel whatever they do about their parents, good,bad or in between. We don't wear the shoes of anyone but our own,  have no idea how another feels all the way through, how someone was raised from childhood- what pushes peoples buttons up until present time.
 The night my dad went into the hospital, kicking and screaming,( literally for weeks, months) almost fully bleeding out at home,  then  full cardiac arrest by the time he was in the emergency room. I suggest you stop reading now if you don't like details. My father to the very end was going to do it his way, and it didn't involve how anyone of us felt. In life this was a fact, overall, so in death this would be no different.  What was I thinking- to get him to go to the hospital all that week, my mom wouldn't let me come down to their house, I was banned. I feel an enormous amount of pain writing this and some shame, but if the truth sets you free, then I am ready. I  tried calling different agencies for help through the months, for my mom, for him. I knew the household was deteriorating,  it was getting sicker with his secrets, and he was making my mom and brother keep his secrets.  My youngest brother ( who lives in their back house) had just gotten out of a  facility( for the fourth time) and was very fragile. The very next day after he returned home, my dad started having  extreme bathroom issues and had my brother deal with it alone, and it was intense from the get go.  By the end, it had deteriorated to the point where he wanted to eat meals in the bathroom, simply left the door open, acted like it was perfectly normal. His behaviors through our lives had been similar- I have to say in other ways, now that I look back. Such hight levels of inappropriateness that I have laughed off, or my brother and I would mimic my parents voices, anything because the truth is, it was just too much. I have told very close friends some behaviors that have gone on in that house, but I am still cautious to tell others-I can be very glib, when I am in a particularly high shock mode I will just say things, but what can you really do when things go on? We stay away now as much as possible, I didn't subject my kids to too much hopefully. They  acted a little more dignified and normal when they were around.
My brother and I are the youngest children of six, and always felt responsible for our parents, he for my father, me for my mother. My dad was getting very out of control with issues at this point, and had my mom and brother lying to me, and everyone. My brother finally called and couldn't take it anymore one night when my father bled all down the hallway. I said I was coming over,  my mother wouldn't let me in the house, it was getting insane. I finally said I was no longer there for them( to get in the door), I was there for my brother.
I called my oldest brother, my sister, and tried to get my dad to reason, get him to the hospital. My mom, my sister, my dad and me sat at the table, Ray and my brother were in the back house.
I begged my dad, anything to get him to go to the hospital. Nothing but him getting angrier and angrier and directing it at me, it got to a fevered pitch. He started in on me, I just didn't expect it.
What a miserable daughter I was, terrible teenager, snarling as he spoke, saying horrible things about me- the kind of girl I was as a teen. My mother and sister spoke not one word in my defense, complete silence. I told him he had not been a kind father, not done the job he needed to have done.
One thing I am proud of, no matter how low he went, I never went there with him.
He told me to get out, to never come back, I was a good for nothing, just like when I was a kid.
Still, nothing form my mother or sister..... silence.
Ray and Paul, my brother heard us going back and forth, heard some of what my dad had said.
They were enraged, I was shocked anyone would even be enraged at that point, because my sister and mom acted as if it were normal. As Ray defended his wife, my dad told him to get the hell out and never come back, it was awful.
My oldest brother acted like the whole thing wasn't going on, just kept wandering around. My dad told him he didn't want to go to the hospital, to that my brother said, "A guys got his rights." Sure does asshole, this is the same guy I had to console when he felt guilty about my dad dying, he just ignored the whole thing.
 Yep, this is what it looks like when feelings of all this come out. I kept it in, held it together for everyone- everyone but me. Now over a year and a half later it is coming out, it is time.
The night my dad did finally go in the hospital, the only reason he would go- my  oldest brother told him he wanted to go on vacation soon, so my dad went in.  He wouldn't do it for anyone or other reason.
By the time we all went in the room at Emergency he had a tube down his throat. We were told he wouldn't make it through the night- time to say our goodbyes. ( He held on for another week)
 Imagine six kids, spouses, all the grandchildren packed in this tiny room, no one in leadership role, no boundaries. My dad keeps pointing to me to come close to him. We hadn't spoken since the week before  I know what he wants- us to say we are sorry to each other. No one backs up, no one gives us space, I don't do well in groups, with audiences..... you could hear a pin drop.
I apologized, crying, it doesn't stop there. He points for me to come close, he wants more, I know what he wants. I am beginning to lose it, this is too much. He wants me to make up with my oldest brother, and we haven't spoken in over three years. No way I am not doing this..... I see everyone perk up even more.... and that is how my family rolls.
He is frantically pointing to my brother and back at me,  I feel as though I am on trial, if I don't do this- I am just a shit. Never in life would he just talk to me, with anyone  just sit down for anything real. If we did try- full blown attacks so below the belt, and now he wants this, full audience so he can feel better. So much history with this brother who caused so much pain I cannot begin to express, he
had my sisters take sides against me- my entire family, agony was searing into  me. So many lies....
and now it was my moment of letting it go, just be me for what I stood for, what I claimed I stood for.
My children were there......
I apologized,  one of the hardest things I have ever done. Apologizing to someone who betrayed and destroyed me at such a young age so I could let my father rest in peace, a father who had not been a father. My children were watching, I was watching.... this was my life and I was fully present now in it. Not one ounce of breathing room or dignity did I receive in this process.
I will tell you something, the person who is typing this story today- is able to proudly stand tall and strong from that day, that moment in time, I faced my fears. One of my boogeyman, my brother, and it changed me.
Grace came to me, something I never knew before that moment, it was bigger than me.
I  needed that time to heal, because my brother  and I soon had to figure out together every step of the funeral - no one else came forward, months afterward with my mother as well.
I no longer feared him, he was just him, no more no less. I was able to go to lunch with my mom and him, after awhile I chose to no longer be around him, it just didn't feel good. I now feel sorry for him, he is a very sad person.
Our family came together for but a moment with my dad,  then as quickly  literally the moment he was gone- it was done, been that way ever since. Although I have two other sisters, I go separately to see my mother, they will forever be "the girls ,"to my mother, I am just me. When I am away I do better than when I am near  them. I do and have done my best, and will continue to try, but damage is damage.
I now have people who have my back and vice versa, love me for me. It is new,  I take it day by day, do the best I can. I have to let go of the Village I came from, The Village of Betrayals....
so I can be part of this wonderful love that awaits me everyday. These are the things I know, I write because it is all I know what to do,  trying to make some sense of where I come from.
I forgive more and more each and every time- it is a process. I forgive myself for my shortcomings, I try harder, pray for willingness, understanding, less judgement and most of all compassion. I am at the intersection of my life.