A Song For You

I haven't written in such a long time it feels strange ~ foreign.  A lifetime seems to have passed through my fingertips in just a few short months. I got stuck and didn't know where to begin.
I guess I will let simplicity take over,  the New Year as well. As I sit next to the fire on this cold January night, the beginning of The New Year, I  know in order to move forward, I have to release things from the past that no longer serve me. The circle of life ~ hope it get's easier for this heart of mine.

James Taylor, my constant companion in this lifetime sings out ~ crisp and clear. How can I run from any truth when I hear him singing, "This is a song for you."   Letting my heart speak out brave and bold, regardless of others reactions. Just knowing what is right for me, my family. Standing in my truth.
 Not causing others pain. Wanting to spread joy, to know it myself. My heart has carried so much stuff, what  never was  mine. I am sure  many, too have traveled through the  years carrying  parcels, packages, backpacks, heavily laden with  boulders that never belonged to them.

   In August I will turn 50.  What do I really want for myself? Have I ever even really asked myself that question? I don't think so. Maybe in the back of my head. I have had such serious Martyr Syndrome.....
passed down from my mother, from her mother. And on and on it goes. I feel like I have pretty much broken that cycle with my daughter. Why, because I have wanted that more than anything else in my life, possibly more than the air I have breathed.  Now it is time that I want the same for myself.

What do I want? Joy, Peace.  Love and happiness for my family, always. Good friends.
 Find greater purpose, and follow it.  Have the courage to speak my convictions. Travel. Spend so much more time with my hubby. Dream more. Play more and be less serious. When did that happen? I want great health. To lose this 15 pounds I have been bitching about!  Feel beautiful, and not fear it.
I feel younger than ever inside. Why not let the outside match. Let my hair grow as long as I want.
Not what someone tells me. I have good judgement. I think I know when I look like a burnout 70's mama.  I am not that "Clueless in  Seattle". And this wearing black biz. Hmmmmm, now is it really because I love it so much, or to hide my gut. The legs have always been ok, my gut has never been worked on!
I have a gym membership..... fancy that!   This gal ever heard of sit ups? Pilates? Wow, nice machine collecting dust in the family room. Looks good with things piled around it, kind of gives the room a country charm.

I am going to take Belly Dancing. My gut can't possibly be the biggest one in the dance studio, will keep you posted! Get back into yoga. Loved that. Now this pony tail look really rocks the casbah.......
but I wonder what my hair would look like in an actual style. Something to ponder over. Now I know why I haven't wanted to write. Facing the demons and all. This time it isn't quite as brutal.
Much more humor with age. Taking it less seriously. Wow, I actually feel lighter.

Last week my hubby and I were in the car driving. We were talking about my 50th Birthday, and at first I was excited about him wanting to give me a kind of Surprise Party. (Wink Wink) For a control freak!
Than panic set in along with my  true seven year old fears. Who would really come? It was a very painful feeling. I am the one always giving the parties. To let go, all the way. Face possible rejection.
But what about  JOY, LOVE,  things I have not allowed in the past 49. That is a very new notion for me that I am surrendering to. So, perhaps it will be only me at my Birthday Party. All dressed up. And....... if that is the case ~ I will be Disco Dancing like no ones biz.    In a dress that makes me feel like a million bucks.   It's my one night for me!  Expressing myself! With many more to come.
 Feeling JOY and expressing it is definitely my new mantra.  Letting go of the ghosts that have haunted me in the past, and letting myself bask in the true glory of why we are all here........... to love and be loved.  I am ringing in 2011. Can't wait to see what is around the corner.