The sky is overcast but still very beautiful, as I look into our backyard. Dan Folgelberg is singing to me, all is right with my world in this moment. This month, actually next week reminds me of many Anniversaries in our life. We moved into this house nine years ago- next week. The kids had one day of school left, no stress there. This house was a wreck, a total fixer upper. We didn't quite know what we were really in for. At that time... 9 years ago, (hard to imagine with the state of the economy now) we had to make a decision very quickly, three other bids were in. Literally within hours we needed to decide, we did.
An older couple lived here, had for a very long time, well over thirty years and Papa Bear wasn't budging. He followed us into every room. It was very hard to just be alone with our feelings. I always wanted to live on a cul de sac, since I was a child. I thought that was very Regal Begal. The kitchen was just like the one from The Brady Bunch... but decrepit version from the 70's. Still my heartstrings were working overtime.
I have so much more compassion as I write, for the gent who was leaving his home. It was final destination... for his bride of 50 plus years or so, a Retirement Home with their Church. They couldn't get around like they used to, up and down the stairs, maintain the pool, take care of their home anymore... and it abundantly showed. I didn't get it then, I just saw a man holding on, getting in my way. Not letting me do what I needed to do. He was saying goodbye with every step,glance, touch of the home he raised his children in.Sitting on his Porch Swing as we, an excited family were exploring his World, and what he was so desperately holding on to. My tears flow freely at how difficult our transitions in life truly are. How hard it is for us to simply say... I need a moment. He sat silently looking to the Mountains as we tried to understand the place we would possibly call home. It was difficult for both of us.
We have redone this house top to bottom, it has not been labor of love. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I am still critical when I look at it, but I have developed empathy and compassion. More patience than I can tell you. What I understand now ... the lesson was about me, letting go. This mirrored how I felt about myself the day we stepped through the door to this house. Alone, sad, so much like the owner. The house mirrored the wreck I felt like. How was I going to like, love or be patient for something I was yet to understand?
The true peeling came, on the deepest layers, levels, in these past nine years. Much solitude
for a very outgoing person ~ that took some doing. The Brady Bunch Kitchen.... I wanted to feel safe in. I wanted Alice to come in and make it all better, whip up some delicious meal, have something witty to say. When was Mr Brady going to walk through the door with some sage advice?
Mrs Brady give her all knowing look. Funny thing, I met her when I was in Hypnotherapy School years ago. Thanked her... couldn't even speak, the child in me came out and started trembling. She was kind.
Throughout this process of tearing down and rebuilding, I found the Alice in me. The Mr and Mrs Brady. Now... it is time to learn once again how to be the kid. The irony of it all...
the joke in my family was we were the Brady's. We were three boys and three girls. I would be Cindy. Fifth child, girl. Period... that was my identity. Time to reinvent myself. I am me, Clare Spencer. No longer 5th child... just simply ME.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Lessons Learned
Today was a longer day than I have had in awhile. My heart is heavy. On one hand, the people I love were brought together and I am very proud of the end result~ something we accomplished as a team. On the other hand, I learned a powerful lesson about the person we were helping, the fact that she was perfectly okay with us doing all the work. The truth of the matter ... it shocked me to the core.
I just didn't see it coming. I am the type of person, when I no longer respect someone I can't even look at them. I wear my emotions in my eyes, on my heart. I would be the worst poker player. I don't care... hopefully it will keep me cancer free, from just saying how I feel, being in the moment enough of the time. I told this person ~ perhaps she should indeed join in the work party, after all... it was for her.
Excuse after excuse she provided. Talking on the phone, allergic to this, that... blah blah blah. I am not talking about a teen. I am talking about a grown woman~ in fear of losing her business, her income, her future.
The team that was gathered worked their asses off on a Sunday... because I asked them to join in on a Community Event... let's help someone rebuild. I do not regret this decision for one second.I pray this woman gets a second chance, and everything turns around. What has happened for me, watching everything all day... Arm chair Warriors sitting, while the hardest working people I know, turned something ordinary... into extraordinary.
Without integrity, respect, dignity, what do we have? for ourselves and those around us. The lesson was so important, I wouldn't change one thing. I will get over how I feel.
However in saying that, I learned that when I do not respect someone, and they show little respect in return ~ by their behavior, I have no interest, guilt, need to explain my behavior. I simply do what is best for me. Understanding that it isn't going to get any better in this situation frees me to move forward. Wishful thinking with this situation keeps me stuck. I do wish this person the greatest success... but the damage is done. Seen this movie enough times to know how it ends. I really am understanding more and more, when I hear about being in peoples lives ~ just for short periods of time. We live we learn, not always meant for the long haul. Just writing about this is has lightened up my heart.
I just didn't see it coming. I am the type of person, when I no longer respect someone I can't even look at them. I wear my emotions in my eyes, on my heart. I would be the worst poker player. I don't care... hopefully it will keep me cancer free, from just saying how I feel, being in the moment enough of the time. I told this person ~ perhaps she should indeed join in the work party, after all... it was for her.
Excuse after excuse she provided. Talking on the phone, allergic to this, that... blah blah blah. I am not talking about a teen. I am talking about a grown woman~ in fear of losing her business, her income, her future.
The team that was gathered worked their asses off on a Sunday... because I asked them to join in on a Community Event... let's help someone rebuild. I do not regret this decision for one second.I pray this woman gets a second chance, and everything turns around. What has happened for me, watching everything all day... Arm chair Warriors sitting, while the hardest working people I know, turned something ordinary... into extraordinary.
Without integrity, respect, dignity, what do we have? for ourselves and those around us. The lesson was so important, I wouldn't change one thing. I will get over how I feel.
However in saying that, I learned that when I do not respect someone, and they show little respect in return ~ by their behavior, I have no interest, guilt, need to explain my behavior. I simply do what is best for me. Understanding that it isn't going to get any better in this situation frees me to move forward. Wishful thinking with this situation keeps me stuck. I do wish this person the greatest success... but the damage is done. Seen this movie enough times to know how it ends. I really am understanding more and more, when I hear about being in peoples lives ~ just for short periods of time. We live we learn, not always meant for the long haul. Just writing about this is has lightened up my heart.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Rusty
My writing is rusty, I am learning from that , trying not to judge it right now.
I have not written in some time, and my stream of consciousness just starts riffing...I am just going to roll with it. I listened to Ray read my story from yesterday and I cringed, but it is part of me. I think the part I have wanted to separate from, the human side of imperfection. The side I want to hide in my Clare Cave. When my writing, my weight,my life are finally the way I think they should be... then I'll come a callin'. What a concept...
play this one out, just let it be, and show up for the party as is. Hmm, interesting thought.
I guess the word I am looking for here would be...VULNERABLE. Aren't we all?
Isn't that the point when we don't want others to see the sides of our self that we deem unredeemable, grotesque, hideous, fill in the blanks. Someone could look at you and say, "What are you talking about, you look fabulous, what have you got to worry about?" meanwhile you feel like dying. The inner workings of each and every one of us is just that... OURS.
Not up for public display and discussion. We all have a right to be respected, loved, treated with dignity. Having boundaries allows this in our lives. Sometimes stepping back, taking a look at who our crew is, who fits, who needs to get off at the next port.That is the greatest gift I have given myself in moving forward. Allowing myself the space, freedom, permission to feel what I need. It's not about hurting someone else, but if it no longer fits, I can't force it. That's not good for anyone.
So, while I may feel rusty as hell, I know if I do not put myself out there and risk I will just be stuck. This is all part of the process... clearing away the cobwebs.Done it a thousand times before, will do it a thousand more times. Does it ever feel comfy and warm ~ no. But I know it will pass, I will break out of this place I am in... and become better. Clearer, stronger, more focused. That's just how it works.
I have not written in some time, and my stream of consciousness just starts riffing...I am just going to roll with it. I listened to Ray read my story from yesterday and I cringed, but it is part of me. I think the part I have wanted to separate from, the human side of imperfection. The side I want to hide in my Clare Cave. When my writing, my weight,my life are finally the way I think they should be... then I'll come a callin'. What a concept...
play this one out, just let it be, and show up for the party as is. Hmm, interesting thought.
I guess the word I am looking for here would be...VULNERABLE. Aren't we all?
Isn't that the point when we don't want others to see the sides of our self that we deem unredeemable, grotesque, hideous, fill in the blanks. Someone could look at you and say, "What are you talking about, you look fabulous, what have you got to worry about?" meanwhile you feel like dying. The inner workings of each and every one of us is just that... OURS.
Not up for public display and discussion. We all have a right to be respected, loved, treated with dignity. Having boundaries allows this in our lives. Sometimes stepping back, taking a look at who our crew is, who fits, who needs to get off at the next port.That is the greatest gift I have given myself in moving forward. Allowing myself the space, freedom, permission to feel what I need. It's not about hurting someone else, but if it no longer fits, I can't force it. That's not good for anyone.
So, while I may feel rusty as hell, I know if I do not put myself out there and risk I will just be stuck. This is all part of the process... clearing away the cobwebs.Done it a thousand times before, will do it a thousand more times. Does it ever feel comfy and warm ~ no. But I know it will pass, I will break out of this place I am in... and become better. Clearer, stronger, more focused. That's just how it works.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Simplicity of Life
I haven't written in so long, it definitely comes in giant waves for me.I think the tide is once again coming in again. I have been thinking about what is important to me, or maybe about what isn't. I have done a clearing house ~letting go of what no longer fits. Sometimes it is just too much work while going through the process, to write about it. That wave wipes you out and carries you to sea, better wait until the sea calms......
This is the stage I am finally at, those riptides are way too exhausting for me now. I have had too many, I am ready for smoother sailing.
Hmm, I guess that's just how life works~ simplicity, what is really important and who.
For me it is now broken down very easily, I just feel it. It feels good, natural, right,
I trust my intuition, I have a knowing. That is something I didn't trust in my earlier years.I am not 100% with it... but I sure know when it feels wrong. My chest get's tight, my anxiety builds, I can't breathe, I am looking for the exit~ fast. My head get's dizzy, I may become irritable, well, that doesn't take much! The point is, I trust myself ~ if it doesn't feel right, that is enough.
I always looked for other's approval growing up. Being the 5th out of 6th child, and a girl, I just sort of went along with the plan. My older sisters were my brain. School, Church, Authority Figures were who thought for me. I may have been a secret rebellion (yes I was) but publicly I was a good robot,I did what was expected of me. I never thought to do anything other than that, I always was jealous of people that fought back. I literally would lose my voice when it came time for oral book reports, public speaking I was so shy.
I started waitressing at sixteen, and had to learn to have a voice, or no money.
Funny how the theatrics and drama can come out. It did big time... my shell was cracked.
I am still shy, it is just that I found a way through laughter and coming out of myself, through diversion. I still feel many times that I am introverted. I can only take so much, but to those around me, they would think I am extroverted. I think we learn a behavior that helps us survive. I left home at 16 and I needed to figure something out. The gift of gab would be the something I needed to get by.
I am quieting my mind now, not as necessary. Sometimes I dig it... just riffing, but now at times ~ endless silence. My hubby would dig the endless silence part, especially right around bed time. My most brilliant ideas come to life, just when he is most exhausted. Hmmm?
Simplifying is letting go, that has been the biggest one for me. Letting go takes on so many layers. Letting go that I am so far from perfect, which helps me love and accept myself. In turn I can love others and accept the more I love myself. Sounds so simple... it's peeling away enough layers to simply state, I am okay with who I am, and whatever direction I take.
Whatever misstep or mistake... how could there really be if it leads you down the road to YOU? Letting go of the judgement. Just saying simply I am enough. Bite sized steps are what I can handle. I have always been a dramatic LEO... thought I had to do everything in one fell swoop. Exhausting, exhausting, exhausting, not to mention very lonely and alienating when you think you have to do everything by yourself, and pretty friggin arrogant. Having to prove is a pretty heavy load to carry, too tiring. I just want to love and be loved, be a decent person and treat people well. Work on not bitching so much. Got the laughter thing down pretty well.
Definitely working on the JOY.... daily joy is a good thing. Peace,love, prosperity, kindness, all the good that can possibly be mustered up, I'll take it, but... got to have LAUGHTER.
Laughter, song, love, my family. Learning to let good friends in ~there is room for that in my heart. Greatest lesson of all this gal is learning in this lifetime.
This is the stage I am finally at, those riptides are way too exhausting for me now. I have had too many, I am ready for smoother sailing.
Hmm, I guess that's just how life works~ simplicity, what is really important and who.
For me it is now broken down very easily, I just feel it. It feels good, natural, right,
I trust my intuition, I have a knowing. That is something I didn't trust in my earlier years.I am not 100% with it... but I sure know when it feels wrong. My chest get's tight, my anxiety builds, I can't breathe, I am looking for the exit~ fast. My head get's dizzy, I may become irritable, well, that doesn't take much! The point is, I trust myself ~ if it doesn't feel right, that is enough.
I always looked for other's approval growing up. Being the 5th out of 6th child, and a girl, I just sort of went along with the plan. My older sisters were my brain. School, Church, Authority Figures were who thought for me. I may have been a secret rebellion (yes I was) but publicly I was a good robot,I did what was expected of me. I never thought to do anything other than that, I always was jealous of people that fought back. I literally would lose my voice when it came time for oral book reports, public speaking I was so shy.
I started waitressing at sixteen, and had to learn to have a voice, or no money.
Funny how the theatrics and drama can come out. It did big time... my shell was cracked.
I am still shy, it is just that I found a way through laughter and coming out of myself, through diversion. I still feel many times that I am introverted. I can only take so much, but to those around me, they would think I am extroverted. I think we learn a behavior that helps us survive. I left home at 16 and I needed to figure something out. The gift of gab would be the something I needed to get by.
I am quieting my mind now, not as necessary. Sometimes I dig it... just riffing, but now at times ~ endless silence. My hubby would dig the endless silence part, especially right around bed time. My most brilliant ideas come to life, just when he is most exhausted. Hmmm?
Simplifying is letting go, that has been the biggest one for me. Letting go takes on so many layers. Letting go that I am so far from perfect, which helps me love and accept myself. In turn I can love others and accept the more I love myself. Sounds so simple... it's peeling away enough layers to simply state, I am okay with who I am, and whatever direction I take.
Whatever misstep or mistake... how could there really be if it leads you down the road to YOU? Letting go of the judgement. Just saying simply I am enough. Bite sized steps are what I can handle. I have always been a dramatic LEO... thought I had to do everything in one fell swoop. Exhausting, exhausting, exhausting, not to mention very lonely and alienating when you think you have to do everything by yourself, and pretty friggin arrogant. Having to prove is a pretty heavy load to carry, too tiring. I just want to love and be loved, be a decent person and treat people well. Work on not bitching so much. Got the laughter thing down pretty well.
Definitely working on the JOY.... daily joy is a good thing. Peace,love, prosperity, kindness, all the good that can possibly be mustered up, I'll take it, but... got to have LAUGHTER.
Laughter, song, love, my family. Learning to let good friends in ~there is room for that in my heart. Greatest lesson of all this gal is learning in this lifetime.
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