Simplicity of Life

I haven't written in so long, it definitely comes in giant waves for me.I think the tide is once again coming in again. I have been thinking about what is important to me, or maybe about what isn't. I have done a clearing house ~letting go of what no longer fits. Sometimes it is just too much work while going through the process, to write about it. That wave wipes you out and carries you to sea, better wait until the sea calms......

This is the stage I am finally at, those riptides are way too exhausting for me now. I have had too many, I am ready for smoother sailing.
Hmm, I guess that's just how life works~ simplicity, what is really important and who.
For me it is now broken down very easily, I just feel it. It feels good, natural, right,
I trust my intuition, I have a knowing. That is something I didn't trust in my earlier years.I am not 100% with it... but I sure know when it feels wrong. My chest get's tight, my anxiety builds, I can't breathe, I am looking for the exit~ fast. My head get's dizzy, I may become irritable, well, that doesn't take much! The point is, I trust myself ~ if it doesn't feel right, that is enough.

I always looked for other's approval growing up. Being the 5th out of 6th child, and a girl, I just sort of went along with the plan. My older sisters were my brain. School, Church, Authority Figures were who thought for me. I may have been a secret rebellion (yes I was) but publicly I was a good robot,I did what was expected of me. I never thought to do anything other than that, I always was jealous of people that fought back. I literally would lose my voice when it came time for oral book reports, public speaking I was so shy.

I started waitressing at sixteen, and had to learn to have a voice, or no money.
Funny how the theatrics and drama can come out. It did big time... my shell was cracked.
I am still shy, it is just that I found a way through laughter and coming out of myself, through diversion. I still feel many times that I am introverted. I can only take so much, but to those around me, they would think I am extroverted. I think we learn a behavior that helps us survive. I left home at 16 and I needed to figure something out. The gift of gab would be the something I needed to get by.

I am quieting my mind now, not as necessary. Sometimes I dig it... just riffing, but now at times ~ endless silence. My hubby would dig the endless silence part, especially right around bed time. My most brilliant ideas come to life, just when he is most exhausted. Hmmm?

Simplifying is letting go, that has been the biggest one for me. Letting go takes on so many layers. Letting go that I am so far from perfect, which helps me love and accept myself. In turn I can love others and accept the more I love myself. Sounds so simple... it's peeling away enough layers to simply state, I am okay with who I am, and whatever direction I take.
Whatever misstep or mistake... how could there really be if it leads you down the road to YOU? Letting go of the judgement. Just saying simply I am enough. Bite sized steps are what I can handle. I have always been a dramatic LEO... thought I had to do everything in one fell swoop. Exhausting, exhausting, exhausting, not to mention very lonely and alienating when you think you have to do everything by yourself, and pretty friggin arrogant. Having to prove is a pretty heavy load to carry, too tiring. I just want to love and be loved, be a decent person and treat people well. Work on not bitching so much. Got the laughter thing down pretty well.
Definitely working on the JOY.... daily joy is a good thing. Peace,love, prosperity, kindness, all the good that can possibly be mustered up, I'll take it, but... got to have LAUGHTER.
Laughter, song, love, my family. Learning to let good friends in ~there is room for that in my heart. Greatest lesson of all this gal is learning in this lifetime.