Rusty

My writing is rusty, I am learning from that , trying not to judge it right now.
I have not written in some time, and my stream of consciousness just starts riffing...I am just going to roll with it. I listened to Ray read my story from yesterday and I cringed, but it is part of me. I think the part I have wanted to separate from, the human side of imperfection. The side I want to hide in my Clare Cave. When my writing, my weight,my life are finally the way I think they should be... then I'll come a callin'. What a concept...
play this one out, just let it be, and show up for the party as is. Hmm, interesting thought.


I guess the word I am looking for here would be...VULNERABLE. Aren't we all?
Isn't that the point when we don't want others to see the sides of our self that we deem unredeemable, grotesque, hideous, fill in the blanks. Someone could look at you and say, "What are you talking about, you look fabulous, what have you got to worry about?" meanwhile you feel like dying. The inner workings of each and every one of us is just that... OURS.


Not up for public display and discussion. We all have a right to be respected, loved, treated with dignity. Having boundaries allows this in our lives. Sometimes stepping back, taking a look at who our crew is, who fits, who needs to get off at the next port.That is the greatest gift I have given myself in moving forward. Allowing myself the space, freedom, permission to feel what I need. It's not about hurting someone else, but if it no longer fits, I can't force it. That's not good for anyone.

So, while I may feel rusty as hell, I know if I do not put myself out there and risk I will just be stuck. This is all part of the process... clearing away the cobwebs.Done it a thousand times before, will do it a thousand more times. Does it ever feel comfy and warm ~ no. But I know it will pass, I will break out of this place I am in... and become better. Clearer, stronger, more focused. That's just how it works.