Reinventing The Spencers

The past couple of days have been a  nightmare and heavenly. My darling has begun his vacation,
letting down after such a large scale project has not been easy, to say the least. The feelings of  coming back into the family, integrating again after being emotionally in another space for so long- it takes Raym awhile, and probably me to let the drawbridge back down.


This time around we realized some major changes took place from this particular project.We both changed so much. This was the biggest project of his career, and the Introvert had to come out of his shell and become a different person over the past few years, lead in a way he wasn't used to. I delved into writing in a way I had not before, and even deeper into my life. Dug in - tore it apart to find out where I needed to go, who I am all, the way through. Whatever that meant, and wherever it took me. We were both in foreign lands.  Our kids are grown, but  all still live under the same roof- we are a very close family, and communication is a very big part of our lives. It is always very evident when someone is out of step, out of tune.

Ray had to trust himself, that he was making the right decisions at work. Use his gut, raw instinct which he has always lived by, this time it was very large scale.  I was using this time, letting my instinct delve into the deepest part of remaining skin that needed to be peeled away. The past few months as deeply as we respected one other, our worlds seemed so far apart. Our love always there, but sometimes when you are so "in it," getting through challenges, white knuckling it, beyond grateful you make it through.

That's what the past six months have been like for both of us. It finally materialized the past few days, when there was time to come together and feel, release emotions that had built up. Things we didn't even know existed. As with our relationship- this can go way back- to the beginning. Until it is done, cleaned up... it is never done. I will never care what any theory is said about this. Remaining residue is just that- if there is still hurt, pain, stuff hanging in the air that is still incomplete- it stands between you.

The depth of love we share-  burns so intensely. We have always stated to one another we want to die in each others arms. The thought is unbearable not to be together. It is just how we feel. I say to him, "You better stay healthy and live a really long time, since you are eight years older than me.You are the best part of me, I have fought harder to find out who I am, because you  have stood beside me. Behind me when I have fallen. I continually reinvent who I am , as you do. It is who we are. The gift of  our children, this family makes me work harder every day to be more, better."

The advantage of stripping life down to the bone-  feeling clean. It takes everything, and feels like you will never be done walking through the fire. Today I feel like I am finally beginning.


What do you think break ups and divorce are all about, by the time they get there. Over spilt milk, I don't think so- there are so many things leading to that spilt milk or socks left on the floor. It is usually raw pain of not being heard, misunderstood, not feeling loved. We  were no different. The pain coming from growing up with parents who were not present. This is not about "poor us".  It is about understanding, those of us, any of us who grew up with Intimacy Issues. Letting down and letting another in, trusting. It doesn't matter if you have been in a relationship six months or thirty years- letting down all the way, fighting fair- opening your heart in your deepest pain and knowing, believing that person standing in front of you will still love you for you. Not looking at you in disgust as the tears start, and  roll through like a steam rolling train with no end in sight. The shaking, the anger, the grief. Showing this and more, all of me, my vulnerability, will you still want me? If I don't say the words perfectly what are in my heart in the heat of the moment- am I forgiven?

This has been the past two days, reinventing The Spencers on the deepest level. Telling the truth, but wait haven't we done this one million times? Oh, but this one went deeper. Ouch- do you still love me when the truth is less than pretty about the beginning? My neediness, your unkindness? This is the price we pay of uniting with no roadmap from either side, just love and a whole lot of hope.We wished, yet had no plan- I liked you and you liked me. We married and had babies and life felt like bliss because all we need was love until.....

I didn't understand how to balance a checkbook and you had no concept of time. I figured out family and you figured out work....  never a plan we just stuck to what we were good at. Time went on, we realized what we lacked. I need more in the Work Department - I want to find my way. It is time for you to be less Workaholic and participate in Home Life.We both feel so ill equipped, and shed more tears the past few days, realizing the changes that need to occur. Our shortcomings, what we had to overcome just to get here. A life time. Now the reinvention, the love, the one thing we know for sure that always gets us through.  Forgiving ourselves for our perceived imperfections, each other for hurting one another, never on purpose, it is because we are so close. I have never been as ready for this next adventure wherever it leads. We're both more than ready to turn the page and see what is waiting for us.