Marriage and All That

I  have been writing stories in my head since last night, which is nothing new, but what is new- is
wanting to write about marriage. My marriage and marriage in general. I was thinking so much about life, as Ray was sleeping so peacefully next to me until I  finally drifted off to sleep.
I was thinking- why are there manuals and classes for the dumbest things in life that you will never, even use. But the most important ones, relationships, marriages, parenting and  raising children- how did that get left behind in the mix? At least when I was saddling up my Dinosaur back in the day- Mrs. Ruthie Reader was teaching us Home Economics in High School.  I learned to fake sew and fake cook. Do a  Fashion Show with a polyester shell top I think- or was that when my mom put my sister and I in Sears Sewing Class? It all gets a little muddled.
 Not that I learned to be a  cook and wife from that. In the early days I  still  left  all the insides of the chicken in while cooking it. I was twenty one, just made sense to put it in the oven- guts and all. Sure it was yummy. I have a pretty darling husband , he has never said, "Your food tasted like hell- I forgot to mention "We have known each other thirty years. In December we will have been married twenty nine.
We were both definitely Clueless when we got married. I was twenty two, he was thirty. I believe our sense of humor is the strongest thing that has kept us going through the tough times. Sometimes you just have to laugh, and believe it or not we do with each other every day over the most ridiculous things. We usually try to out shock, out- whatever each other. Love and support is always there.

To tell you the truth, we both try to rack our brains about some "Romantic Proposal", neither of us can remember. The  thing I do remember, I knew he was the one for me. What we did know- we wanted to be together more than anything. Neither of us were particularly great prospects on the outside looking in. I was getting married again for the second time at twenty two, ( first time at eighteen) and wouldn't get a divorce until Ray pushed it, and took me down to City Hall.  I didn't get it, I was twenty one and immature, I couldn't see why or  how that could affect Ray or anyone else.  I was dragging my feet, but the truth was I liked Ray so much- I was scared to get a divorce and didn't want to make a mistake again. I knew I had found the right one- but how could I explain that to anyone at that time?

He was living in a Bachelor Pad- not terribly motivated and you know when I was making more than him at times as a waitress..... well, the truth is I never let him leave the Coffee Shop I worked at, I was a smitten twenty year old. He  was renting office space in a depressing building,  having just left The Bradbury Building downtown. The economy was in a recession, and little work was to be had. I still thought he was a regal beagle. We moved in together- and were honest about it with both sides of our family. No secret keeping- that went over big!  His mother disowned him, and mine did the equal version with me.

I think the reason Ray and I are so similar ( even though it appears on the outside we are different as night and day) is that we both wanted the same things. We both wanted normalcy after coming from insanity.  The benefits for us  having similar backgrounds-  an understanding and forgiveness
for behaviors that others might have abandoned ship long ago. Even we wanted to abandon ship on each other at times. There has always been this underlying forgiveness, love, understanding, even and especially when the rage, anger, tears, " I'm divorcing you look" comes out.
Right- anyone who has been married along time doesn't know that look- than right on to you!
Overcoming things together, just as every couple learns- is just part of the ride.

I think sometimes we expected more hurt, more pain to chew on- gave us more character to build.
That became the biggest BS myth, it just was more pain we became conditioned to from past experiences.We could not allow the good, success,  love, and support. The challenges, the fear, the mayhem became our way of life, living.We had to let go step by step, who wouldn't want to let go of all of that? When it becomes part of who you believe you are, your identity, there is sorrow in saying goodbye. In the final parting- saying goodbye to the beliefs, myths and people  as well.

This is where Ray and I now stand,  changing,  growing,  learning, feeling like babes- in -the- woods- of- life at times. It is time to welcome this new skin we are shedding. Just as all marriages, relationships must to move forward, grow - stay current, or face wilting. A rebirth takes place constantly, sometimes for one, or both. Other times inevitable endings. Marriage is that secret place no one tells you- where change is the only constant to thrive. It is that big wave you ride,sometimes  watching a beautiful, golden sunset together- other times falling under a riptide where you can't breathe, panic. Middle road is good, walking along the beach dipping your toes in the water. I am ready to do some soaking up the sun, playing in the waves and just seeing where the day takes us.