I Will Follow

How can it be seven thirty? Where did the day go?  It feels like it has been one of those lost days.
I am laying down on the couch with the computer on a pillow propping it up," Hoarder's"Marathon is on the television and Ray is watching. That is when I know my hubby is stressed, I  am starting to get into the groove of it today. When I am tired, I am like a restless,  irritable baby,  having no clue or ability to comfort myself in the moment. I decided in my delirium it was a great idea to organize the kitchen and have a bake-a-thon.

Why rest when you can be a whirling dervish?  It's just that it takes me hours to figure this little bit of info out to calm down. I just have to work it out and my family knows it. I did whip up a killer spinach-lentil soup.While I am in this mood, I grab for the chips to console myself, and get very salted out. Hmmm, by now I look like I am ready for labor and delivery.....

I have been writing all week about the situation with my younger brother. He overdosed on pills the beginning of the week, and has been in a facility - what the aftermath has been. Last night Ray and I went to a Preview Party for his work. It is a very busy and exciting time in his life, yet between the two of us, it was very difficult to get up with the people and celebrate. He is absolutely exhausted from his schedule,  and I am wiped out from this family situation.The turning point was when we met up with our dear friend who flew in from Pennsylvania last night, to celebrate his part in  the work he has done.  This was a real treat. The second treat, our daughter was coming to meet us later in the evening.

Ray went to meet up with Katie to let her know where we were, so I sat and just chilled out and chatted with our friend. He is a very sensitive man, and I am so grateful  he understood where I was coming from. (I didn't have to over explain myself) Ray and I  had such a great time with him in Pennsylvania,  we felt so welcome- it was wonderful to be at this party and just let down. I was telling him what the week had been like, and for some reason I just started talking about my parents. We were sitting at such a busy place.... so many people at this shindig, and I just didn't care. Life is just real when it is, and opportunity comes. You take it or you don't.

He and Ray have a lot of similarities, so I feel very comfortable with his personality. Every time I see him, I tell him he looks like Kenny Loggins ( he does) this time without the beard. As he talked, I realized how they both have had to modify their behavior - as artistic personalities to succeed. He  along with his brother  now run the company their father started. He is a very artistic, thoughtful, soft spoken man. The industry he works in is very rough, burly, masculine, manly man.When he gave me a tour with my hard hat on- through the facility last time I was there, I had to really put my game face on. It is very male dominated..... and I felt it every moment I walked through it.

I realized the same for my hubby,  how much he has had to change. From the  easy going artist sitting in his studio painting, having his own schedule..... (music  playing, shorts on, us just cruising around together when we felt like it, ) to- being responsible for huge projects, many people, and getting so far away from painting, drawing, quiet. Meetings, presentations, speaking in front of Presidents of Corporations,travel, heavy expectation to succeed.  Striking a balance.... and finding their voices. That was the point exactly what my friend was trying to tell me about my parents. It is time to find a different voice in myself with them.

I have always come so much from my heart, much to my detriment. I have worn it on my sleeve.The conversation with my friend last night about being so angry, frustrated with my mom. It has been all about my expectations. I thought I was always adjusting them, but listening to him last night.... I think I finally got it. Just as Ray and him have had to put their game faces on when they have to take the lead, that is what I now need to do with my parents. Take my emotion out, do the the best job I can.... and just be kind.

Ray has told me this throughout the years, my sisters have said the same thing- but my heart always gotten in the way. Why is it I have had so much patience with Hospice, dealing with someone else's family members, but no patience for my own?  Hearing from a non family member simplified it. I hear how lonely my mom is - she just wants to go for a drive, or out to lunch. I can do that. I am behaving no differently than her, if I am constantly commenting and judging her on her behavior,her negativity. It isn't working- she knows how I feel. My friend is right. He simply stated, "How about just trying to love her?"  I don't know how and what I have done hasn't worked in the past. This has been a week of total surrender. Surrender of my expectations. Of the past, what never was.If I am going to put my money where my mouth is- it's easy to talk about this when I am in the environment I am in at home, surrounded by love. Time to open my heart in a different way. I don't even know what that means as I write this, and it no longer matters. What I do know.... I am willing. And with that willingness- I will follow.