Having liberated my fears about family secrets and shame, I think I may be seeing a sliver of light at the end of the tunnel. Possibly it could be the beginning of a new tunnel. Writing about personal things,well I have been doing it for some time. But I have been doing it more or less about my own life, feelings. Yesterday I talked about my brother and what it has been like dealing with him taking too many pills.The aftermath of many things he has gone through and how it has affected our family. Mostly denial. I think the tide may be changing....maybe miracles are happening or being allowed to happen through this.
I spoke to him last night- he simply just wants to come home, doesn't want to take advantage of the facility he is in. The reason I am talking about this, I know many people go through this- keeping secrets only makes people feel ashamed. Shedding light on this, while unpopular- we all need a hand,whether we are the one crying out for help, or one who is trying to figure out how to help. It is a lonely, isolating place to be. We have been down this road many times with my brother. He feels better then just wants to go home now and figure it out on his own. He has the ability to "act" very normal in front of the doctors, pull it together so he can just move on down the road. Then the cycle starts over again.
This is no longer okay with me. I have stayed very removed from my family for sometime now. The crazy making - made me crazy making. I brought it home to my family every time, it hurt them. I don't have a switch to turn off my emotions, I get very involved- want to fix the hurt. It eats me up inside. I want to do anything to make my brother better. Open my parents eyes.... right out of denial. I do not have these super powers. I have tried my whole life to extreme detriment. Super enabler queen. The only thing I can do is walk away at times.
When I put boundaries on- the rage comes out of my brother, my parents. So be it. But through the years I changed and grew. This time I was finally ready, prepared to come back into the fold. I realize I had done enough work.... I finally came back the adult, no longer the child. Fifth out of sixth looking for approval. Life long battle, it has ended. I came back for a different purpose now and I know what it is.
I have been talking to my oldest sister again through all of this commotion with my brother. Real forgiveness is taking place between us, I feel it in my heart, my soul. It is no longer just pretty words between us as in the past. My middle sister and I have been working on this for sometime- it feels as though we are getting even closer through this situation with my brother.
But what I realize in talking to both of them-we are getting ready for something else as well. My dad is pretty ill. None of us talk about anything in a real way. We use joking, sarcasm, whatever we can to get through. We have lived in a void- we were not allowed any emotions so we don't know how to relate to one another. Humor is all we know.When real feelings come up, especially about our parents I don't think we know what to feel. We watch others and pretend to know what it is like to come from a loving family with a mother and father- but it is only acting.
We just don't know what to do. We rarely saw love, mostly anger and disdain for each other. Contempt, disrespect, undermining- which then translated to the siblings. Undermining is where we have the problem and none of us really trust each other. It reminds me of the show, "Survivor. One sibling tells the other info.... but they tell a better tale. Who do you now believe? That has been our reality. My parents then tell yet an even better tale when angry at one of their children. Then who do you believe. Deep down we know the truth... we always know our turn will come, there is where the real pain is. There I believe is where my brothers pain is. He is the youngest out of six. He felt left behind in the mad house. I carry guilt that I left him there.
I know this is about wrapping things up. Getting back to the union of my sisters and me, the purpose my dad. He has very little breath left in him. His oxygen is no longer working well. Today a visiting doctor is coming. He will not go to the hospital, nor has he ever been in one his entire life. He was even born at home. He has a laundry list of health problems and his time, we know.... is coming to a close. It is time to make peace. My oldest sister spoke of it last night and she is right. Every time my brother has had a relapse of some sort- it has brought us together temporarily.Maybe this time it is for another reason, the three sisters are going to get together for the first time in years soon. We can no longer put off discussions my mom can't deal with.How can I blame her? Her son and husband have been never ending needs. She can barely see, drive or has any energy. I work on forgiveness and patience everyday. I know her life has not been a happy- or easy one.
What I am learning- it is what it is. I just need to show up now when I can. Too much has happened between us. I will stay open to all possibilities. I have spent my life trying to love, please, honor them. Now I will simply be with them.... learn patience, silence, humility.
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