Hero

I am  traveling down such a windy road today- the windy road back to memory lane. I have no idea what led me on this particular one, especially talking about my first hubby, who I have never  really written about.  I have not really had much to say. Today I am owning more of my past, actually started writing an outline of a book I feel like I am ready to work on. It just finally makes sense to me, writing about "year sixteen" of my life . I made some serious headway in the  Coffee House where Katie works. So it seems my fingers want to go back to good old fashioned paper and pen- so be it.

To tell the story in this book, so much of my life would involve Jeff.  Thirty two years ago May 31st I married him.  Today I was watching "The Theresa Saldana Story" ( A Lifetime Movie) brought it all  home again. It is the true story of an actress who was brutally  stabbed multiple times, by a Scottish man who became obsessed with her. My hubby (at the time) was a Sparklett's water delivery man working in Hollywood- who happened to be on his delivery route near her apartment building and heard her screaming. He ran over and risking his life, subdued and stopped the brutal attack, and consequently saved her life.  He became a Hero overnight which was very difficult on him. I was waitressing in Pasadena, and I had just left him about two months before. 
 I met him at sixteen, married at eighteen, by twenty had become a different person- I had grown up and was no longer a teenager.

He called me one afternoon and told me what happened (with the stabbing) and our lives were never the same after.We went to the hospital that  same evening with a Police Escort  (because of nuts who come out and follow you, so they took us in unmarked car) and were told to pretend like we were still a couple. So the lies began.The All American Couple Lie which became unbearable for me. He had a girlfriend living with him who was extremely unhappy that I was with him. It just kept snowballing into crazy making.

We attended all these functions which were lost on the twenty year old in me. I was overwhelmed, couldn't talk to my friends because although I hadn't changed, they treated me differently-from a distance- likeI had something to do with Jeff and Theresa's newfound celebrity.  In reality- I would go home and cry because I felt  so alone. I remember one customer that I waited on (he always sat at the counter)  a "regular"- looked at me and told me you are nothing and don't ever think you are. He was an older man that used to be an actor. My mouth was just hanging open.

Jeff and I didn't talk- I cannot ever know what his life was like. He was on Larry King and every other news show.  He had people coming at him from every arena wanting his attention. Then the phone calls for both of us began. He had very scary violent people calling him. I started having people calling me in the middle of the night - just breathing, then hanging up,. I had never lived by myself- so I was scared out of my mind.  Jeff told me to expect it,  I thought maybe he was doing it to scare me. He was angry.

 One Sunday morning, as I was pouring coffee to a regular customer, I glanced at his Newspaper and  to my surprise a photograph of Jeff and I, along with an article about him, are on the front page. I am looking up at him adoringly.... right on que. I was doing what I thought the good wife look would be... lovingly gazing at my hero man that I am pretending to be smitten with- yet don't even live with.

Later, a reporter from the LA Times wanted Jeff and I to sit down and do a story together- not just him. We were not getting along so great by then.  I said we could do it at my apartment, which I shared with my sister.
The reporter got there early-and I finally cracked. I just didn't want to play anymore. It was one thing in the beginning to pretend like we were married for security reasons. Theresa and her hubby were also separated at the time as well. The whole thing was kind of a joke. Make it look cute for the media.
But this was my life- I had enough. She was a very cool gal as I told her the situation. Unlike some reporters, she had scruples and honored my feelings. She understood  between us what was up-  at that point I didn't care what BS went on, I was done. Write whatever you need to... I just am not lying anymore.

The last thing we went to together was a Victims For Victims  Charity Event that Theresa Saldana had in order to raise money. It was at some cool place in Santa Monica or Downtown and the Stars were out that night.

The best part was that no one gave me the heads up on what to wear. It was a fuschia prom-type dress with poofy sleeves and big giant hoopy thing on the bottom. To top it off I had baby's breath in my hair. Everyone else is slick Hollywood Cool in black.Yep- felt right at home. I was two years out of high school, completely out of my element and Jeff didn't want to be anywhere near me by now- so angry that I had left him. Me and my big fuschia dress swished around this Event trying to be very inconspicuous.

Watching the movie (which I haven't been able to find, nor have seen in years) this afternoon on my computer, the tears came and didn't stop. I never realized or had the maturity to see what really happened to Theresa. How brutal her attack was. We visited her several times, once at the hospital  then at The Motion Pictures Home for Actors ( which is no longer there.) It just all seemed like a weird drama to me. They all seemed so much older to me at the time- I just couldn't relate.

One thing I learned-  I had nowhere to turn. People make decisions about you,without knowing you.
it is such a bizarre situation to be in- so isolating. I just wanted a friend to talk to, instead seemed to get my fair share of people who wanted their moment in the spotlight.  I just wanted to hide and be protected for  just a little while. There would be none of that... I felt raw.

Ray would come in where I was working and ask me  how hero was during this time.  He was with someone at the time- I never told him I was split up.
Also att the time my best friend had Jeff in her wedding- but not me-  she knew we weren't  together anymore.  You can bet he was the "Star" of the Wedding. There were definitely some painful times through all of this. I learned the different characteristics  of people - that has helped me to this day, I am grateful for that.  Even the sheer "aloneness" I felt from not having support or comfort from others taught me great value in counting on myself. I became so much stronger at such a young age.

The happy ending to this story... finally one day Ray asked again how hero was.
I finally let down my guard, trusted, told the truth. No more hero. He told the truth- no more gal pal. He asked me out on our first date that day, thirty years ago this June. I wouldn't change one ounce of my life, it made me who I am, and happily married to the love of my life.