Facing My Fears

It is interesting when ready to face our fears, the situations we will put ourselves in, challenge ourselves to see what we can handle. How far we have come in our own lives. Everyone has their own marks- one persons frightening event is a walk in the park to the next. Really who is to know or judge?

I learned for myself what hidden ghosts lurked in my closet the past few days. I thought myself to be fairly independent.  But the ghosts of the past reared their frightened little heads- they were ready to be revealed. Finally they wanted to come out of the dark. I am writing this from a hotel room in Santa Fe, New Mexico right now.  It is a beautiful sunny day outside, and tomorrow I will be once again there. But for today, I needed to learn some valuable lessons. Letting go.

I have had great anxiety about this trip for days. Katie and I came together for some mother - daughter bonding time, also for another reason. I have been working with someone who has been a very insightful teacher to me, especially with meditation. I wanted to come in person instead of just doing work over the phone, and through the meditation CD's.

I didn't realize the angst it would bring up coming, being the adult. It wasn't  being the adult as much as finally doing something solely for me. It was one thing to tag along on Ray's trips- take care of my family or anyone who has needed me. That has been my life's mission. To help whoever has needed my help. Now apparently I needed my help. I listened to my voice- from a mere couple of weeks ago.You need to go to Santa Fe now. Just for me - just because, that was a hard one for me to justify.


My anxiety level rose through the roof, the child in me was losing it. The night before I left, I was weeping like an inconsolable child, clinging to my husband. On the way to the airport, as I tightly gripped his hand... tears endlessly streaming, I began to understand. This was similar to me going off to College.When I left home at sixteen, full of anger- head full of steam and fully detached from any real emotions, I was able to just leave. No one saying goodbye, we'll miss you. It was just,"I didn't know your phone number." Really, that was the best you could manage?

I was finally feeling what it was like- now with love to go off into the world. I was terrified. I finally allowed myself to  reconnect to that wounded young girl.


The biggest terror  today- when I was driving to the house  I needed to get to from my hotel. It was out in the desert, and I had another melt down. I called Ray-  he has a photographic memory, and as he was sitting in a traffic jam in LA, talked me through it. He knows this side of me, and calmly told me which freeway to take. It seemed so silly that I was so upset, but I realized never having any guidance growing up, it was all coming back when I was  now forcing myself to do it on my own. This place was way out there, in the middle of nowhere.

By the time I got back to my hotel,  the headache I had from last night had increased. Something wasn't feeling quite right, and by this point, very little was making sense. My vision had been slightly blurry for hours, but I am good at ignoring things. I was driving into town, and I knew I was going down for the count. I called Katie ( she was shopping nearby) and told her I needed help.  My arms and legs were getting tingly,  I told her I would meet her back at the hotel. I could not figure out how I was going to get back to the hotel, nothing made sense anymore.  Somehow I got there - told the girl at the front desk I needed help, and she called an ambulance. I didn't want one- but I didn't know what to do.

I felt so out of control, ridiculous, but felt like I was going to  pass out. Last night we had dinner with a friend of  Ray's - so I had Katie call him. I had such a hard time letting people help me, felt so embarrassed. Everyone was so kind, so helpful. Altitude sickness is what  the diagnosis was. Never had it before- combined with not sleeping for several days and so much anxiety. It hit me hard.

It was all about letting go, trusting I was worth it. My worst fears were being away from home and something happening. Well I was, and it did. Guess what? I was loved, taken care of- just because. I am so good at doing the taking care of. I love it- makes sense to me.  Time to let go.
Let the real love in- the all the way through to the core stuff happen. Ask for help when I need it- even and especially when I am scared and cry like a baby.  It makes me stronger and able to love more fully. It opens my heart. Letting go of fear, pain, the stuff that is pushed so far down we didn't even know it existed. That is what this trip has been about.

Tomorrow will be the day to explore the City. I will go to the oldest church in the country, and many museums with Katie. Music and dinner. Life.

My daughter took over and was mother to me today. I couldn't see straight. I was humbled by her grace and love. I am learning- to let the love in.