This week I have recognized in myself some things I have pushed so far away, I thought they could not be real- only in others. Isn't that the biggest joke, the things we see in others -bitch and moan about. Couldn't possibly be like that, we are so above it, then blast, one day when we let our guards down enough, allow ourselves to look into our shadow side. Now I am not talking about anything rash like full on gander in the mirror. Just a side swipe, a glance will do. But holy crap- who was that? It could not possibly have been me staring back.
That's the kind of week I have experienced. The biggest act of denial I have been in- Ice Queen. I am just warm and fuzzy and that is that. Right. I am in my present now, everything is left behind all accounted for. Check that one off- over and out. But, as I was exercising in the garage on my trusty gazelle which I just love while watching Nancy Grace- there was a story on about a child abducted from her home. I watched as her parents spoke to the press, faces full of the worst grief imaginable.
I felt horrible for them. I felt total sympathy, but what hit me hard- no matter how hard I tried I was incapable of empathy. This frightened me, I couldn't understand what the hell was wrong with me. What kind of monster was I? But I thought back over and over again to these situations. My same blank face.
I finally got it, having grown up in a home where my parents had very little empathy, especially for their children- our wellbeing ( other than being watered and fed) I had no comprehension of this behavior.
Of course, very different emotions, if this was for my own children, their friends, etc- but we are not talking about this.This is the blind spot in me. The child watching to this day inside of me, saw two people crying for their child- out in the world. Taken from them, devastated, beyond grief stricken. I saw no signs of this in my childhood. How could this make any sense to me? Nothing, just blankness coming across my face. It is not for lack of love, caring, concern that I am behaving in this manner. I have done so much work to heal, and then some.But there comes a point where I have to forgive myself for some of my behaviors, simply understand that certain damages from the past stay with us.
What I understand in this moment from writing this- I can become more tolerant of other peoples stucks, owies, hurts. I have judged certain people, situations, things so harshly I imagine mainly because I could not forgive my own stuckness. It is what it is. What if I simply just put a bandage on this knowledge, sent it off lovingly with a pat on the back and wished it well.
Could I not possibly move forward faster, tell the truth faster, forgive easier? I understand these are just all notions spinning in space- I can take them in, or not. Putting a bandage on some of those owies sure seems a better notion than constantly picking off those scabs. After all, it's just a thought.
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