Powerless

I am restless, that tired, irritable feeling like when you are a child and the day is too long. So I decided to  just write and calm down. I put my headphones on, I'm trying to  retrain my brain to deal with life in a new way, instead of eating a huge bag of potato chips. I feel like I am pretty darned good at feeling my feelings, but someone I am working with right now has taught me that I need to go much deeper. Why when we feel like we are finally  at least a freshman in high school, do we have to go back to kindergarten?

I guess that is part of the process of letting go. Letting the new stuff in, getting rid of our never ending egos. Telling us how absolutely amazing we are at all times, or the other end of the spectrum, what a complete loser we are.  Middle ground rocks. What I am learning more than anything- it is okay to feel powerless. It always reminds me of the waves that come crashing in on the shore. Some are so humongous they could carry you out - it seems you might never see land again. Others just tickle your toes in the most gentle of ways, as the sun is setting. Life could not possibly be more perfect.

It just depends what moment,  hour, day, you are at the mercy of the sea.  A riptide could come, or not. One thing is for sure, allowing the waves to wash over you, riding that wave goes so much smoother no matter what strength they come. The wind has always calmed me, lifted my soul.Whatever strength, form it comes in - I could not be giddier. I have been this way since I was a child.

Feeling powerless in the waves. Running away from the tears, the pain, the anger. Allowing them to come, it releases so much that has been stored up - but I understand now, I don't even know what I was fighting. I run so fast and far, until I am crying in Target with audience included at no extra charge.

I laugh - I cry.  They are just emotions that I happen to be in touch with. They are only emotions. Like anger, fear, sadness, joy, love. It is part of life, to attach shame to tears - seems like such an outdated thought process.They are necessary to release emotions in order to move forward, just as laughter is necessary. I  held shame in my past for being "sensitive." I am also a lot of other things. That is one dimension of me. I am learning, by being sensitive it has allowed me to be in touch with my feelings and enables me to write.

I can also be a detached, cold as ice human being which I take no pride in. This comes from nothing but damage from childhood, which I work on daily- to open my heart. I love letting those waves wash over me... see where they take me.  It's all in the not knowing.