Insight

I was just thinking of silly things from the past, well the list would never end. One that I thought was really funny back in the day. I think this would have to be around when I was around eighteen. My friend in the previous story I wrote about..." Motel 6", Gabrielle and I were eating buddies. She lived next door to me in  a tiny apartment building in Montrose. We met  a few years earlier and  became friends.  I don't mean eating buddies in a sweet, whimsical way. We were both serious bulimics back in the day... we would drive through fast food places one after the other.  I realize there is nothing funny about being bulimic....after 25 years of putting in my time on this one, and having been healthy for so  many years, laughter is essential. (So for those who take offense... please don't read.)

Gabrielle for some ridiculous reason trusted whatever I said. We would cruise in my blue pinto around town until we couldn't see straight. If we had gotten pulled over by the police, I am sure they would have arrested us and asked questions later from the state we were in. We appeared higher than a kite, but this was from sugar.  You can see why I have chosen to be a very healthy eater now.

The biggest part of my life, why it works is simply telling the truth from the past the best I can. This one does not bind me. I don't  feel that it has much to do with me anymore. I started at fourteen years old, and it was my life. I thought I would die this way. So it is not that I am nonchalant about this or take anything for granted. I worked really hard to figure my life out, as I  continue to every day.

Back to cruising with Gabrielle in the pinto and our misadventures.
She had to unzip her pants because she had eaten too much and couldn't breathe. I am pretty sure she had put away a dozen donuts, but my memory is faulty thirty  years later.  I thought it might be a good idea for her to get out of the car for a minute, pants unzipped, gut hanging, hair disheveled.... deer in the headlights look. I didn't say we were rational.... high on sugar.

Again, why she agreed? She just did. The thing is.... it's just what we did to each other. It was her turn.  Hard to understand when you are not "in it." So I said just get out for a minute and I'll drive to the  signal.  Out she went. Well.... anyone who knows me knows that just isn't going to play out like that. I burnt rubber in my pinto so fast. She became a dot in my rearview mirror, just standing there believing I would momentarily return.  Game on.
I circled around her, over and over again and acted like she could get in the car, but pulled away quickly. It seemed so funny at the time. When you are in that state of mind, the things that are funny.... hmmmm. I knew my turn would come soon enough.... in some other way.

I am  sure I was one huge passive aggressive shame monger.... the fact that she let me do this to her makes me sad. Only writing this story I have now have enough insight to see I was unloading all the shame that had been loaded on me as a child. Gabrielle... wherever you are, my deepest apologies.