The past couple of weeks have changed my thinking more than I have realized. Today, one of those changes. I met a friend of mine I have know since grade school days, for lunch. We reconnected a few years back, a push/ pull kind of thing going on. Between families, work, life.... it's hard to connect and stay in touch with old pals at times. Throw in misunderstandings and the party can be over. This fellow happens to be important to me. He has been like a brother to me, and it was painful to have a falling out with him.
A few weeks ago, one Saturday morning, I popped in where he was coaching a class. I hadn't seen him in a very long time. He was teaching a class in back and then came out to the front area wondering who was asking for him. We just stared at each other. He was very busy, trying to assess very quickly
(which is his personality) the situation. Oh... it was me. Hug, hmmm, he had to go. He can be very coolish at times, ( as though I am not, mirror mirror!), and I left feeling "why did I just do that?" We emailed back and forth a few times, and finally decided on lunch today.
I wanted to be honest why I had been distant with him over the past several months. It boiled down to hurt feelings. I could dress it up and make it fancy, but the truth was I felt like he didn't care about me. Todays lunch was one of those times when a deep connection took place, in the most wonderful of ways. We both felt heard... understood. Compassion and empathy was going on. Instead of just talking over each other, we let down our guards. I know why my friends are very strong males. I got some very strong dude-chick in me that likes to wrestle figuratively. I married a strong man, and all my male buds are fiercely strong. My favorite kind to rumble with.
If only it were that simple. The lessons in love I learned today. I have a fearlessness with my emotions, my spirit. With my physical being... quite the opposite at times. I can be very childlike. That is something I have not wanted to admit. The pairing I have come to understand. My mothering abilities.... my strength with my emotions, I don't have fear. Tussling... getting right in there. Pretty sure anyone who knows me well who is reading this is indeed chuckling. I probably should... I just don't. Reality with physical stuff: I got lost on the way home from lunch. My friend said "well just go back the way you came" . This is the same fellow who is a genius with computers. While driving over to his work today, he texted me twice. I stared at my phone like a deer in the headlights. First off, I am driving in a very unfamiliar area... I am tripping out a little bit. Second.... I don't really know how to text. That might take some doing. Definitely would need to pull over for half an hour and stare at my phone for awhile. Third, I couldn't figure out how to dial out on my phone. More deer in the headlights going on.
Finally I called and said I was close... where close? You know, not far. I am realizing that by not having a father figure (yes I had a father.... but he just kinda sat there), and brothers that had nothing to do with me... am searching in a positive way for support. I have so much love from my hubby, but it is nice to have brothers... real ones. We all fill different roles for one another. My skills are mothering, nurturing, support. I look to strong males who help me bring out my strength, my male side so that I am not just a floppy mess. The yin and yang. Allowing myself to admit that , yes I get lost. Yes... I trip on occasion about it. From deep seeded wounds from the past, I am finally allowing help. I am trusting that I am loved, worthy for my hand to be held sometimes when I am childlike, feel frightened, alone, need a friend.... instead of the old way. Acting cool aloof... everything is fine. Coming home and having a serious meltdown. I like this new way....
It seems the past couple of days I must be letting down more. Letting in more sunshine and light in my life. Loving words, support, kindness, sweetness is flowing my way. Lessons in love.
No comments:
Post a Comment