An Easter Story of Forgiveness

When I look back at that time, there are  so many things I wish I could change.
But I was in my twenties,  head and heart full of steam... and absolutely no capacity to truly understand
as I would today.
I was  over seven months pregnant with Katie at the same time Ray's mother lay dying in Huntington Memorial Hospital. It was Easter Week.... I remember so well.
The smell of the flowers every Spring remind me of her. We had just gotten back from Easter Brunch with Matt, and a few others at Charlie Brown's restaurant (That one's been gone along time).  As we rounded the hospital corridor, we heard an unearthly scream, unlike any other. I had never heard a sound like it.... and just as I was trying to make sense of it, I looked up.
My neighbor from Sparklett Street  (my childhood home)  is standing in front of me.  I feel like I am in a Twilight Zone Episode.
What the hell is happening? Besides the fact that I had just eaten so much food I couldn't see straight and was very pregnant....  I needed to sit down pronto. I  had not seen  Julie in years, she was the attending Nurse on our floor.

The screaming had come indeed from Ray's mom's  room. I felt it in my bones. It sounded like a trapped animal. She was not ready to go home. I can't imagine the horror of facing down your life, especially a very unresolved one. Feeling the pangs of knowing it is at your door..... again I was clueless.

I tried desperately to hide my huge belly. I cannot tell you why, other than the fact that I had survivor's guilt. A new life was coming in, as hers was leaving. I remember that day sitting with her, (We were told to say our goodbyes) saying she would not see this baby.  She snapped back in the harshest tone..
" What are you talking about?"  Again, I had no clue about what she could be feeling, only myself and of course I took this terribly personally. We had a lifetime of hurt together, one more jab.
I watched my sweet hubby sit patiently with his mother, trying to reconcile what was to come.
So much loss from never saying goodbye to his father, like a thief in the night he was just gone one day....


That week we lived at the hospital practically, actually the week before as well.
A few days after Easter, I was sitting with Matthew,  he was  about three and a half.
I went back into the hospital room,  Ray and his brother were standing over their mother.
I sat in the back of the room very quietly, just watching.  They were telling her she could go home now. Be free.... it was so difficult to watch.  It was like two little boys were lost in the dark,
so sad, yet so willing.That had been the story of their life, and this would be the ending of hers.
More silence. It broke my heart that Ray waited  and waited and waited from both of his parents for some word, anything. Even before death.... nothing.

Not one word. "I love you". "You are wonderful". "I have been so proud of you".
"You are the most delightful son". Just silence.

I will say those words to this amazing man ...
You are everything and more. I love you. I am so proud of you. No mother would or could be prouder of you. You were the most delightful son. The day you were born the angels sang and danced.

I wish you peace this Easter , Pat.
You just didn't know, if you had known better, you would have done better. I believe your words are coming through me.  Had I  known I would have done better and been more compassionate... my words came later to others in Hospice, and will continue.

I wish us all peace, forgiveness, rebirth.... room in our hearts to start over. To be kind to ourselves.
Happy Easter