Paralysis

Ray calls this  swimming in the  vast ocean of....  when I used to write. Everything was a vast ocean of an abyss. I was a very cheery writer back then. Here read this honey. I can just imagine him thinking... "Dear God, if I have to read  another vast ocean swimming up  on the shore story I think I will....."

This pretty much went on for several years, hmmm, some good times going on in this household. I am pretty sure he was painting some vast abysses of buildings to go along with my cheery writing. It is what it is to get to the next step. I wouldn't want to go back to that time for anything, ever. But.... I wouldn't have missed those steps for anything in the world. It made me, me.Us... us. Those were our strengthening times. Seems like they would never end. We were just getting ready to move into this house that June.

This is what it felt like...... written 4/8/2001



     Paralysis

 My leadened legs have no movement. Shallow breathing, interrupted by gasps.
I am paralyzed by my own fear, no longer able to sit comfortably in my old life. My beautiful new life isn't in stock yet... so I wait in limbo, darkness. Very blind faith at the moment. My throat gurgling, gasping yet again for breath,  heart fluttering, hands shaking. More of myself has been revealed.... I have exposed the real me.

I want to run, hide, where is my suit of armor? How could it have rusted through so soon? Seems as though I just took it off, but that was light years ago. Now I am more afraid than ever. My skin raw to the touch, my soul how it weeps. I mourn the death of the old me- as I await the new with clinging, desperate, hopeful anticipation.