Introspection

Heavenly aromas are wafting in from the kitchen, Matt is whipping up something truly scrumptious fro dinner tonight. I hear Katie in her room rocking out to Stevie Wonder. The birdies are chirping outside my window as I am writing this. I am sleepy, but the writing bug will not escape me until I put pen to paper.

I just took a bath, and  as I was relaxing,  my mind started drifting to the graduation we went to yesterday. My thoughts went everywhere. First, I was so proud of all the hard work and effort Josh, the graduate put out to make this happen. Secondly, I was thinking about the woman who gave the commencement speech. It had to have been the most self indulgent speech I have ever heard in my life.

I felt so badly for the graduates- ninety nine percent of her talk had nothing to do with them. It was pretty much her credentials, resume, her emptiness. She was supremely puffed up for fifteen minutes prior to this agonizing thirty minutes all of the attendees and graduates had to endure- by the school administration. So, she added forty-five minutes to the graduation, stumbling through, bragging, but most importantly- giving nothing on this day, the day which belonged to the graduates.

How many times could I get up for a drink of water and bathroom breaks? Answer- not enough. I no longer cared. I needed to breathe, stretch my legs, think. Looking around, watching others standing in the back squirming, wondering "What's it all about Alfie?"

People from  not only around the country, the world are here on this day of days.... to celebrate their child, relative, friend. This is what they get to hear this woman's life, as we get dragged into  her complete vacuum. Sheer emptiness, vacancy, trying to fill the glory days she used to live - on their dime. Again this was their day they worked so hard for. No inspiring words of hope. Just her life.

My mind wandered to the man standing nearby, and I began to feel sad. He reminded me of a friend of ours who had died a  few years ago. He looked like him when he was younger. That  familiar "knowing,"- time is fleeting.  Little reminders along the way. Say what you mean to say. It can all sound so cliche, but it is so simple.Yet the hardest thing to do when put to the test. To forgive, love. Letting go of anger, hurt, resentment, old wounds, pride.  Allowing  love to come in. Takes enormous risk. Surrender. Taking the barbed wire we have so carefully laced around our hearts down.

Not for the feint of heart. It takes time, trust is involved. Sitting outside on that beautiful Spring Day,  yesterday made me think of death and rebirth. I have been that self indulgent woman speaking when I am afraid and want to be heard. When I have been at my emptiest, nothing to give. Of course it's so easy for me to point the finger. But I always have to turn it on myself as well. Takes one to know one. I wish for her peace too. I can't say yesterday I did. I just wanted her  to shut the hell up, to be honest. Today, writing.... ah, the frigging gift of writing.  Introspection. Hmmm.....