It is very early hours of morn as I type away, the stillness buzzes in my ears. I understand why people like the middle of the night in this moment. The absolute and utter quiet. The reason for being up I figured out through constant tossing and turning, too much iced tea at lunch with the gals. Life has changed so dramatically in the past three weeks for me. It is all about falling into- letting go. Letting go of unkindness, wishing, hoping, hanging on. Understanding that the only way I can have the life I want is to make a new one. Risk being "the bad one" if that's what it takes in my mind, from growing up in such an unhealthy household as a child.
The only way I could and can understand this, talk myself through it was think of The Titanic.... jump.
Survivors Guilt, you name it, whatever you want to call it. To save myself, I could get there for awhile, but go back to the same behavior. The Ultimate Codependent- yep, I should write a handbook. You don't need to feel your pain, let me do it for you, and then I can rage when we're done. Even that made me laugh. But when you are in it, living your life trying to put out the next fire constantly, save the world, the truth is you are never living. I just know I could not be a punching bag anymore, my hubby and kids did not deserve to witness this, and the inevitable depression that would follow. The self loathing, doubt, anger, and isolation that separated me from the world. But the biggest thing by far from being around such poison, lack of trust in humanity. Watching, with eyes of suspicion as I was trained as a child... instead of how my heart feels. The burden of seeing the world as a place of constant pain, it's too much to carry around- especially for children. Mistrust, it's not for me. So I am taking my fork in the road... I am a late bloomer I am aware of this. I am cleaning the weeds in my garden, adding healthy, fresh rich soil to the earth, turning it, sprinkling new seeds and watching it all bloom. Climbing vines, roses of every color, brilliant, fragrant, intoxicating to my senses. A bench nearby to enjoy the beautiful sunrises and sunsets in my beautiful garden of life, as a cool breeze whips around me. A white picket fence opening, welcoming me as I enter into my magical garden, stepping stones leading the way. A beautiful, gurgling fountain flows as I take my next step, birds gathering around it -singing my name so sweetly. I am home.
No comments:
Post a Comment