Passion

Rod Stewart sings about it, most feel it. Not everyone acts on it. Some live their whole lives squashing it, running from it, fearing it. Others learn to embrace, enjoy, romance it - those carefree souls who were born into this wonderful thing called  passion, riding her wonderful waves wherever she may lead. I wish I was in that category. I am stuck between it all. Deep down I have the soul of that passionate wave riding gal, ever fiery Italian roots that wants to embrace life. Then the Scottish uptight Catholic turtleneck wearing gal comes into the room, sporting an Amish outfit and a tight bun-that would be me. The product of being my mother's daughter,  and she her mother's daughter, and so on and so on. But on the other side, my father's where I feel my blood races- Italian, filled with passion, natural, knowing, confident woman. In no way am I knocking Scottish, just did not rock my world. The opposing forces of proper, keeping it inside, when a raging inferno is brewing. No wonder I am the way I am!  I don't think I can blame that on  Italian or Scottish ancestry. I think I'm merely seeing the constant tug of war in my soul. Maybe turtleneck Amish wearing mama has kept me out of harms way, when wild thing wants to go out on the town and have a good time- too good of a time. Simmer down is all she may be saying. Perhaps I am learning balance, my internal mechanism. One I have gotten angry about and have always fought, but is actually my North Star, guiding me home when I lose my way. I have feared in life- to date, if I truly follow my hearts desire, I will lose everything.This is an irrational fear that has kept me stuck for probably my entire life. Never telling myself the truth, really acknowledging my accomplishments, because it never came from the person I yearned to hear it from the most- my mother. It will not come, so I need to hear it from me, from those I trust and love me. For me, not what I can do for them, but simply for each breath I take. Lean into this knowledge, trust, take baby steps. Passion builds with trust, too much fire  can burn, and wearing turtle necks around that kind of heat, hmmm, can get pretty uncomfortable. Maybe it's time to let wild thing loose just a little, let my hair down. It's not a crime. My fifty second birthday is coming up in ten days.  My gift to me, the gift of acceptance.