You Can Count On Me

Those particular words,"You Can Count On Me, would make me want to run far away in past times. Not because I am irresponsible, they would conjure up emotions inside me that that made no sense- I couldn't breathe, the walls would close in.  My heart feels heavy and sad as I write- it has taken me so long to come to this conclusion, but I am finally here. I have arrived, unloaded enough baggage at the station and stepped off the platform. I  have decided on my own what these words really mean to me. True loyalty has only been something I have felt between my husband, children and myself. Do I feel ashamed as I write? Yes, but more saddened as it has taken to understand, let down my armor, trust.

As a child, loyalty was rarely displayed. My parents pitted siblings against each other, parent against sibling, any combination imaginable. The only  way to healing, truth. My truth is to set myself free, my family, and future generations to come. I am not proud of many of my behaviors. I have asked for forgiveness when I have recognized wrong doing. I will continue to do so when I hurt those I love.  I will also look at that very long, dusty road I have traveled, on many a cold and darkened night, no map to guide me- but my own North Star.  I am also  proud of that brave voyager for embarking on the  journey.

My gauntlet, shield I have needed to protect myself all these years- now rusty, worn, ragged edges I no longer need for battle. I can lay it down, and thank it for a valiant job of protecting me.  Without it I would bear many more scars in battle. I let out a deep sigh that feels never ending- I don't want  to feel this next part. The part where my heart is catching up with my head, saying,"It is time to trust all the way through." But, but, but....  I can rationalize and come up with so many reasons not to trust- where indeed does it get me? What example do I show my children? I speak of courage, letting go, letting down, living the life of my dreams, stepping out of the shadows, am I unwilling to do the same?  Everyone has owies in one form or another, this is my wound. Trust, betrayal-  I in turn have done my share of betraying because of this pain. I am like the eternal bachelor boyfriend, who can't commit to marriage....  but for me it's been friendships. How is it I can commit to a marriage of almost thirty years, but get squirmy and flighty as hell when people, especially gal pals have gotten too close. Betrayal from the original source -my mother.

Yes I know, terribly unpopular to talk about, but oh so real for many of us. When we grow up feeling distant from our mothers, feeling unloved, not hugged or held, (maternal deprivation yes, there actually is a term for this) we are forever going out into the world recreating rejection, pain, heartache with the same personality- to prove what? We are the crap they said we were or weren't by insinuation, silence, with holding, damaging words. Or swinging the other way, forever craving approval, love, being the good girl. Always selfless, happy no matter what. Or both.

I am no longer that girl, no longer choosing those beliefs. I choose love, all the way through, even in the scary places. When it hurts and feels vulnerable and I want to run. I choose it when my skin is on fire, when it's peeled off, and no new skin has grown in. I choose it when those I love call me on my crap, because they love me- and I have the ability to finally listen, not hang up, not turn cold, resort to cruelty, and trust they have my best interests at heart. I choose to learn, and let love in. I choose to count on others when I am frightened, not fear being mocked for my "sensitive heart." In the good times when my heart is overflowing- not fear being "bad" for my happiness.

You can count on me