Alanis Morissette blasts in my ears, my moods feels like coastal weather, shifting from sunny to rain at a moments notice. I cannot keep up with it at times, this creative process,blessing or curse I wonder? I am who I am, I can be no different, not for lack of trying. I have tried to outrun me, hide from me, always having to prove, tough it out, push harder and harder, only for myself. And on again I would push, destination: Sedona, with a teacher for three, almost four days of non stop breaking down in order to build up again. I would not have wished this on my worst enemy. All in the name of letting go of "EGO". Well, this ego- still a bobcat, not quite ready to give up the ghost with this gentleman, few more rounds to go, and then some. ( Ray was back at the hotel waiting for me every night- my greatest reward ever.)
Daytime, the tearing down process, then night time back at the hotel, homework- hours and hours of it. People I needed to forgive, finally: Day three, Sedona Desert-
(Having previously gone through each person I needed to forgive, release, get angry about, if that fit the bill, really angry, find my voice... quit being such a good girl about those who hurt me, acknowledge those I hurt, forgiving those who victimized me, now let go of victim role, work on seeing the good, you name it. Hour after hour( with teacher) I had nothing left, and didn't care anymore, but a certain amount of fear, when the girl who brought me, now left me alone on the mountain with strange animal howlings now as my companion. Supplied with shovel, twigs, matches, all my papers, for every person I needed to forgive, the stack was thick with writings, and I realized then, I have to burn everyone of these things. About ten, twelve graves I needed to dig, say something about each person, letting go, then burning paper, cover up grave, make cross for each grave. Seriously?? Can't I just fake it like I had done so many other times in life??? But, as much as I hated this asshole who stripped my humanity to the bone, the more I fought, and let me tell you.... like a rabid dog. His process is something I would never, ever do again, ever. But I am someone who has always liked to break rules, I could sneak out, get away with anything, I was The Queen, The Pro, I knew how far I could push, uh just about anything, and I did. Growing up with a very out of control household, that is one thing I was always envious of with my two girlfriends, there were rules. I thought it was horrific.... yet deep down I longed for them. I pushed the limit more and more and more.
Now on this mountain, the tears, rage, frustration, heartache, fear.... what was I going to do?
What if a mountain lion ate me, or my biggest fear a snake bit me, the girl who brought me, forgot about me, left me here. This hurt, I didn't want to do this.... I already cried enough tears to fill the ocean- enough of this already. I was now simply scared, sad after all the anger. A girl who felt abandoned, alone, not worth fighting for.... and yet I kept digging one grave after the other, on my knees weeping, clawing at some, shouting, spitting, total irreverance at others. This infuriated me, a new rage came out. Then, finally through the rage a wellspring of tears in the purest form. I finally surrendered.
The day before, up at the meditation teachers house, she asked me who I thought God was? As always I felt as though it were a test. She was very loving, kind, patient. I felt embarrassed to answer, if somehow my answer would be wrong. That would be a very common theme in my life. I thought I was supposed to have some very magical, mystical, deep answer. In a very small voice as I stood outside, as The Wind blew..... I said- The Wind.
That has always been my feeling of God. Always as far back as a child, that has been what has comforted me, something I have understood, what has always brought me great joy. From that moment on I accepted that side of myself- and The Wind. Later I learned that is God, another word for him.... The Wind, my heart always knew, I just never trusted it.
As I sit writing this, it has been difficult to appreciate the lessons learned to bring me back to me..... to The Wind. No matter how many seminars, classes, places I have gone and will continue on,
this one was different, my very first one on one for such an extended period of time.
I had done many group sessions, regular hour therapy, but this just didn't stop. It allowed me to really dig in, time to work it out. He was the disciplinarian father, one I didn't understand and was having no part of. I fought with my life.... only in this moment writing this do I get it. Yes, he was an ass, rough, but there was no way around it with me. I had no respect. Zero. He knew it- I had to let go of my mothers view of men. My shame was unbearable- then kindness for me finally shone thru, humanity for me. I was a caged animal... by my choice. I wanted to be free, and I went to any means for my freedom. I have no regrets, my husband and son, all the men I love and respect deserved no less than me healing this side of me. Letting go of the painful female side as well, but the disrespect I was taught about males- I pray forgivable. I will work on this for my lifetime.
What I love and appreciate about my partner, my husband, my love. His trust and faith in me, even what would seem to others absolutely absurd, was right for me, he trusted me. That has been our marriage through it all, forgiveness, faith in one another, much laughter, taking leaps. Many a leap was taken early in his career, while others said why would you do that, ( with his risky choices... entertainment )just play it safe- teaching would be a good position, just stick to it. It was good for him, it is wonderful, but he wanted something different-in addition to.
We have blended beautifully the best parts of ourselves, to date. His with the financial aspect, mine with family, emotional, spiritual for us. We will ready ourselves over the next year or so to blend again, in a new way... one we haven't yet explored. This excites us both, to see what we have learned along the way. Dan Folgelberg has been singing in my ear, his music gives me hope, fills my heart with so much love. He is singing, " There's a place in the world for a gambler"
"And he sees, oh yes he sees, oh yes he sees. There's a song in the heart of a woman, that only the truest of loves can release, set it free, oh set it free. There's a a light in the depth of your darkness, there's a calm of the eye of every storm, let it shine, oh let it shine." Today I am proud of my work. The Wind and Me.
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