"He dropped you like a hot potato," venom spewing from her tightening jaw, emotionless, cold, factual. " But, but, but"..... spilling, tumbling, free falling inside my throat, now anguished, resigned. Bittersweet emotions now flood me, looking back at that sweet little girl, filled to the brim and then some.... shame, sadness returns in an instant. My sweet children flash across the movie screen in my mind. They are my heart, I would travel the world to heal any hurt I may have caused, this they both know, just as breathing.
It is difficult to understand, explain fully certain things in life, especially topics on parents. This is sacred land.... We are taught to love our parents, regardless. My reality, two people not necessarily even liking or respecting each other. Boom, and a child is born, Catholic Duty.... check. Again my heart travels back and forth thinking about my children, my love, protective heart, so proud of them. These are my babies, no matter how young or old, they are always my heart.
Words, venomous, controlled, calm anger simmering, brewing my mother handed me, over and over again wrapped tightly in a box. Here honey catch, this is yours, who you are and don't you ever forget it. In the past few years of viewing the screen upon which is my life : Cast with endless actors, producers, directors. Bad reality TVat best. My life, a movie of the week. Content : Chock full of sadness, despondency, confusion, betrayal with more thrills to come. Stay tuned until next week.....
How quickly we can enter reality tv horror in the blink of an eye going places our heart begs, screams beware! danger lurking. Wanting anything but being perceived as weak, less, again different from the rooms we enter, much to our own peril as the hallway of doom, darkness wraps it's tentacles around us, squeezing, tightening the vice until there is no turning back.
Daylight, fresh air, any sense of reasoning now escapes us, we are in indeed inside its terrifying clutches. Up is down, down up.... the world spinning, contorting, realizations hits you mercilessly,with careless abandon. You have now stepped inside the infamous Funhouse, and let me tell you, there's nothing fun about this.
Brady Bunch, Partridge Family all swimming inside your head. When is Robert Young, dear father on Father Knows Best going to show up in the nick of time calling out for Kitten, his girl, precious one telling her with the most confirming, reassuring voice all is well, you are safe, tucking her into the twin bed upstairs, down the hall from him and mama's loving arms.
As I sit here today, remembering moments of angst, sadness, fear, loneliness, from that young girls memories. Now, each precious moment a mere glimpse in my rear view mirror.
Creating that warm, safe environment for self is the greatest challenge, believing a different story. That soft place to land in your own field of dreams. Time, patience, understanding, forgiveness- the main ingredients for healing a badly scorched heart, smoldering soul.
Love is the answer, we have heard that so many times, see it written many places, love songs created from these simple yet exquisite words. What my heart knows today after much exploration, having now learned to extinguish the fire, once in the center my being, knowing without a shadow of a doubt.... love indeed is the answer. Fruitless going 'round, under, over it. Through it--- the way to true love for self. Now time to feel, understand, release, believe. Knowing, it was never a true and accurate screen upon which we viewed our life.
A simple distortion of this viewing, made from another's projector. How could that projector possibly see into one's heart, possibly know how the movie plays out. After all --- it was just a projection. On the road to learning, understanding... many forks in the road chock full of potholes, twists and turns as we bravely venture on, no need to turn back. Who we really are takes bold courage, willingness, feeling the fear of that boogeyman lurking in the dark night, simply praying for dawn.
Trust, faith, one foot in front of the other.... simple words, no simple act.
Hot potato.... no, I am no hot potato! Simply another projection. I am me- funny, frightened, courageous, introspective, impatient, loving, petty,
silly, childlike and wiser with every step I take.
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Saturday, November 1, 2014
Trap Door Spiders
My mind just traveled to many places as it can when writing. The challenge, bringing those thoughts together so they make sense, and not feel like you just did some 'shrooms.
Well, for some of you.....
It would seem I am quite frequently the lucky recipient, special reward of getting cornered by trap door spiders.... in the human variety. That would be a Ray-ism. Possibly someone at a party corners you, further and further into a space until there is no oxygen, breathing room to be had. Now those 'shrooms are looking pretty good. Unrelenting, clueless, they have breeched the boundary issue of human contact between two people.
That would be my first description of what drives me crazy, my second is the Energy Vampire. Case in point, sometimes when I am shopping, in the zone....writing stories in my head, or creating as I look around. When in the zone, yep here comes one, I feel it the breath round my neck. My limbs begin to stiffen, rod up my spine, interesting thoughts and language begin rattling around in my brain. Moving to another aisle swiftly, there is more enough room for the two of us Vampie. Round the bend, on to Round Two. No she didn't, as Vampie is nearly rubbing up against me. My next thought, enough of this get away from me. My peaceful place is completely gone, now I am pissed. Give it a rest sister, seriously.
Trap door spiders and energy vampires are very interesting creatures. The trap door usually bores me to no end, telling it like it is.... then goes on Prove Patrol Mission, you know what I am talking about.
"So tell me about yourself, what do you do, how much do you make, where do you live, how much do you weigh, how old are you???" ( Fill in the blanks-- of course I am taking it slightly to the extreme!) Meanwhile, my thought bubble is going to town, funny ways I want to answer, every way inappropriate, my hubby beyond grateful my grown up side usually kicks in.
This whole thought came about when I was at AAA paying car registration. The gal pal at the front tells me it is life insurance month, usually I am resistant, I will say yes.
Wouldn't you know it, I get the trapped door spider. Okay, chill out, maybe I can learn something from this. It does not start out well as this fellow loads me up with a heaping helping of guilt trip. About life insurance.... how much does my hubby have on me, a lot of sighing, inferences, crunching numbers furiously.
Cringing, yet at the same time wondering how quickly I can sprint to the front door without him noticing, he drones on and on. At this point I realize it would not matter if anyone was seated in front of him, as he delighted in the lilting sound of his own voice.Watching his face as he is speaking, now with more than slight amusement, this was becoming interesting. The fascinating mix of Bullwinkle and Mad Cow immediately came to to mind the more he spoke, sprinkling in a dash of charging Rhino for good measure. Wasn't such a bad day after all.
Well, for some of you.....
It would seem I am quite frequently the lucky recipient, special reward of getting cornered by trap door spiders.... in the human variety. That would be a Ray-ism. Possibly someone at a party corners you, further and further into a space until there is no oxygen, breathing room to be had. Now those 'shrooms are looking pretty good. Unrelenting, clueless, they have breeched the boundary issue of human contact between two people.
That would be my first description of what drives me crazy, my second is the Energy Vampire. Case in point, sometimes when I am shopping, in the zone....writing stories in my head, or creating as I look around. When in the zone, yep here comes one, I feel it the breath round my neck. My limbs begin to stiffen, rod up my spine, interesting thoughts and language begin rattling around in my brain. Moving to another aisle swiftly, there is more enough room for the two of us Vampie. Round the bend, on to Round Two. No she didn't, as Vampie is nearly rubbing up against me. My next thought, enough of this get away from me. My peaceful place is completely gone, now I am pissed. Give it a rest sister, seriously.
Trap door spiders and energy vampires are very interesting creatures. The trap door usually bores me to no end, telling it like it is.... then goes on Prove Patrol Mission, you know what I am talking about.
"So tell me about yourself, what do you do, how much do you make, where do you live, how much do you weigh, how old are you???" ( Fill in the blanks-- of course I am taking it slightly to the extreme!) Meanwhile, my thought bubble is going to town, funny ways I want to answer, every way inappropriate, my hubby beyond grateful my grown up side usually kicks in.
This whole thought came about when I was at AAA paying car registration. The gal pal at the front tells me it is life insurance month, usually I am resistant, I will say yes.
Wouldn't you know it, I get the trapped door spider. Okay, chill out, maybe I can learn something from this. It does not start out well as this fellow loads me up with a heaping helping of guilt trip. About life insurance.... how much does my hubby have on me, a lot of sighing, inferences, crunching numbers furiously.
Cringing, yet at the same time wondering how quickly I can sprint to the front door without him noticing, he drones on and on. At this point I realize it would not matter if anyone was seated in front of him, as he delighted in the lilting sound of his own voice.Watching his face as he is speaking, now with more than slight amusement, this was becoming interesting. The fascinating mix of Bullwinkle and Mad Cow immediately came to to mind the more he spoke, sprinkling in a dash of charging Rhino for good measure. Wasn't such a bad day after all.
Monday, October 27, 2014
The Playground
Moments of understanding come in flashes for me, the big aha, now I get it. Yesterday in the crisp early morning air, as I was watching my hubby sitting in the engine of a train... smiling, so full of joy- bam it hit me.
Why this particular lesson was hitting me so hard, and how hard I had pushed back, dug my heels in. I just sat in stunned silence, how could I not see this before? I was not ready, didn't have the tools
to get to this moment. I had arrived on this beautiful crisp morn, breeze blowing, as if straight out of a movie. It was so clear to me now, I had no previous experience, and had been beating myself up for not knowing the rules, having this particular handbook.
The moment came as I was watching a very patient and kind gentleman teaching a young man how to properly check and recheck his work, before the train could be in service for the day. It was the kindness in his voice, the ease in which he spoke to this young man.
It was the first time I really understood why team work was so important, and why walking away solves very little. My lack of experience in groups= my lack of experience with being raised in a family. My weakness in life, having been raised without the benefit of team work.
My idea of teams, team work, boiled down to every man for themselves, wait for your opponent to turn on you, several at a time possibly, never saw what was coming, how could I let my guard down? When parents were at the helm of such behavior, this would be a hard nut to crack, to trust. Always waiting, wondering, sleeping with one eye open. Identifying the behavior at it's roots, or it will continue for a lifetime. Yesterday I finally got to that place, understanding something so basic it.
You don't throw people away, walk away forever over a fight. You are allowed to have differing opinions. My differing opinions have cost me dearly, years at a time. My letters of forgiveness offered cost me, by being vulnerable, keeping my heart open- with attacks. However--- the gift through all of that ....you crawl, beg God for mercy. The lessons have been invaluable.
Had I literally not had the shit kicked out of me in my darkest moments, I would not have grown, stayed complacent.
Those experiences were some of my greatest teachers. At the time I wondered why? Only with enough perspective, time, healing, forgiveness could I possibly have gratitude. Groups, much like families come in many sizes, personalities, everyone is not going to get along. I had no understanding of this process, I was so out of my element, no matter how much study I had done, this one had to be experienced. Every time I would get too close, "something" would happen, go awry, arguments, anger, frustration, division. Recreating family.... it was all I knew.
The family I created with Ray had been a different story, we all wanted in the same thing... love.
The moment of understanding yesterday morning all came together, feeling excruciating pain of knowing I had been the cause of my husband not playing on the playground with some of the kids- from my inability to learn how to play.
He is my love, my heart, now I understood all the way through something I had not resolved inside myself - affected him so deeply. It begins with understanding, then forgiveness, and compassion.
I am looking forward to both of us being with kids on the playground, we're ready to play.
Why this particular lesson was hitting me so hard, and how hard I had pushed back, dug my heels in. I just sat in stunned silence, how could I not see this before? I was not ready, didn't have the tools
to get to this moment. I had arrived on this beautiful crisp morn, breeze blowing, as if straight out of a movie. It was so clear to me now, I had no previous experience, and had been beating myself up for not knowing the rules, having this particular handbook.
The moment came as I was watching a very patient and kind gentleman teaching a young man how to properly check and recheck his work, before the train could be in service for the day. It was the kindness in his voice, the ease in which he spoke to this young man.
It was the first time I really understood why team work was so important, and why walking away solves very little. My lack of experience in groups= my lack of experience with being raised in a family. My weakness in life, having been raised without the benefit of team work.
My idea of teams, team work, boiled down to every man for themselves, wait for your opponent to turn on you, several at a time possibly, never saw what was coming, how could I let my guard down? When parents were at the helm of such behavior, this would be a hard nut to crack, to trust. Always waiting, wondering, sleeping with one eye open. Identifying the behavior at it's roots, or it will continue for a lifetime. Yesterday I finally got to that place, understanding something so basic it.
You don't throw people away, walk away forever over a fight. You are allowed to have differing opinions. My differing opinions have cost me dearly, years at a time. My letters of forgiveness offered cost me, by being vulnerable, keeping my heart open- with attacks. However--- the gift through all of that ....you crawl, beg God for mercy. The lessons have been invaluable.
Had I literally not had the shit kicked out of me in my darkest moments, I would not have grown, stayed complacent.
Those experiences were some of my greatest teachers. At the time I wondered why? Only with enough perspective, time, healing, forgiveness could I possibly have gratitude. Groups, much like families come in many sizes, personalities, everyone is not going to get along. I had no understanding of this process, I was so out of my element, no matter how much study I had done, this one had to be experienced. Every time I would get too close, "something" would happen, go awry, arguments, anger, frustration, division. Recreating family.... it was all I knew.
The family I created with Ray had been a different story, we all wanted in the same thing... love.
The moment of understanding yesterday morning all came together, feeling excruciating pain of knowing I had been the cause of my husband not playing on the playground with some of the kids- from my inability to learn how to play.
He is my love, my heart, now I understood all the way through something I had not resolved inside myself - affected him so deeply. It begins with understanding, then forgiveness, and compassion.
I am looking forward to both of us being with kids on the playground, we're ready to play.
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Billy The Kid and Lamb Chop too.
My daughter had this book for the longest time that I would stare at- her books always fascinate me. "Men who love bitches,"hmmm, catchy title. I would look at it, kick it around, and finally awhile back I opened it. She bought this years ago, the reader that she is- having been in a very Bukowski faze through high school, we would sit and read together his books. I think his writing got me to want to really deeply express myself. Granted he was one angry, hurt guy, cussed incessantly ( I know I know my guilty pleasure) and loved detailing his sexcapades. Who's not down for that one, especially Bukowski style? "Men Who love Bitches", my mind began to wander back to high school, imagining some of the gal pals this book may have been intended for. Exactly, the ones that fascinated this gal.
As I write this I can't help but think of my darling friend Jimmy, really the first boy I became friends with in high school, to this day we are still close. We went through a number of years not being in contact, he moved away, then about six years ago we reconnected. Jimmy, I do believe this story is in honor of you. Freshman year, coming in late well into the second semester - and there was Jimmy.
Two years older than me, starting in with some joke- and yes hard for anyone to believe now, I could barely look up let alone utter a word. Jimmy just made it better, was funny, and never once was the kind of friend to ever make me think of a book about "Men Who Love Bitches." He just didn't roll that way, and I am so grateful my first high school male friend treated me with respect, humor and dignity.
It didn't stop me from watching what was going on around me. Being very quiet, new( wasn't quiet with those closest around me) I just observed mannerisms, a trait that has stayed with me to this very day. The most popular and absolute rejects of society fascinated me to no end. I think the latter kept kept my attention longer. There was" Billy The Kid" I I lovingly named- I don't know she just reminded me of Billy The Kid..... it was her hair. Lamb had super Lamb chop sideburns,was very theatrical with his theatrical homeys in the Quad. This is where I could have lived, truth be known. These theatrical groupies citing fake Shakespearean accents loudly rocked my world. Especially when Lamb did it, he was my favorite. Now I have lost interest in the popular crew, I am thinking about those sideburns and just want to gaze at them in my yearbook, take a spin at with "Billy The Kid" again. She is Ray's favorite, as I have pointed her out at least once in real life, as he says, "Oh I definitely see what you mean."
It was something about that popular crew, maybe the air they breathed was generated from a different land than the rest of us. I just knew I was from the "regular crew," sealed my fate the day one of my friends from my St. Luke's days (previous school) lovingly took me aside ( definitely kidding) let me know if I continued to "hang out " with one particular girl, she could not get me in the popular group. Okay, so I am only fourteen, but I have plenty of super hard headed Italian steam in my head. I am sure I gave a very good fake smile, by the next day probably gathered many a Billy The Kid, Lamb Chop and various others to strut through school. I sealed my fate with that one.
It did get somewhat lonely trying to figure my place, I have always just liked who I liked.
One of my friends she did like her drugs, wasn't my thing but I liked her. The other was a Church Addict..... seriously, talk about polar opposites! Those were my two closest friends through high school, neither went to my school, and didn't like each other, so I did more observing and trying to figure out where I belonged while at school.
The Men Who Love Bitches..... I just didn't know how to play the game. I was Frances' daughter, a simple gal who was used to wearing a uniform to school everyday. I was the only sibling who veered from all girl or boy Catholic High School and now and was struggling with it all, especially in the clothes department. My mom gave me fifty dollars to buy my clothes for the year. Hmm, I wandered on over to Miller Outpost at the mall. "Dittos, a type of popular girls pants in the 7o's were nearly forty bucks. I did the best I could do, but I bought those dittos, you know I did. I put together any combo known to mankind, borrowed, rifled, used hand me downs, I didn't care, I was desperate. I self consciously scooted my way down the halls through the lockers each morning only eye contact - the dots on the floor.
A funny thing I remember this one girl would say to me, " You always have the cutest clothes.
A. My first reaction..... keep your voice down someone will hear.
B. Right
C. I am so embarrassed I wish I could disappear.
Never did I think, wow, what a nice compliment, she really likes my clothes. I had nothing to compare it to, I felt so in it alone. I still have that first reaction to a compliment- trying to get out grow that one! The great lesson I learned from that, desperation is the true mother of invention and served me well throughout my life. I passed it on to my daughter, hopefully in a more creative form- having fun and looking at what is not there, make your own magic. Katie is amazing with creations, art, design and is definitely one of a kind.
I still like strange funky stores, I am a gal who loves diamonds in the rough, with people , places and things.
Yes, I wanted to be those shiny diamonds I saw walking around- more than you could possibly imagine. I had no idea who I was, until pushed!
Thanks Jimmy for making that scared freshman girl feel okay in her own skin.
As I write this I can't help but think of my darling friend Jimmy, really the first boy I became friends with in high school, to this day we are still close. We went through a number of years not being in contact, he moved away, then about six years ago we reconnected. Jimmy, I do believe this story is in honor of you. Freshman year, coming in late well into the second semester - and there was Jimmy.
Two years older than me, starting in with some joke- and yes hard for anyone to believe now, I could barely look up let alone utter a word. Jimmy just made it better, was funny, and never once was the kind of friend to ever make me think of a book about "Men Who Love Bitches." He just didn't roll that way, and I am so grateful my first high school male friend treated me with respect, humor and dignity.
It didn't stop me from watching what was going on around me. Being very quiet, new( wasn't quiet with those closest around me) I just observed mannerisms, a trait that has stayed with me to this very day. The most popular and absolute rejects of society fascinated me to no end. I think the latter kept kept my attention longer. There was" Billy The Kid" I I lovingly named- I don't know she just reminded me of Billy The Kid..... it was her hair. Lamb had super Lamb chop sideburns,was very theatrical with his theatrical homeys in the Quad. This is where I could have lived, truth be known. These theatrical groupies citing fake Shakespearean accents loudly rocked my world. Especially when Lamb did it, he was my favorite. Now I have lost interest in the popular crew, I am thinking about those sideburns and just want to gaze at them in my yearbook, take a spin at with "Billy The Kid" again. She is Ray's favorite, as I have pointed her out at least once in real life, as he says, "Oh I definitely see what you mean."
It was something about that popular crew, maybe the air they breathed was generated from a different land than the rest of us. I just knew I was from the "regular crew," sealed my fate the day one of my friends from my St. Luke's days (previous school) lovingly took me aside ( definitely kidding) let me know if I continued to "hang out " with one particular girl, she could not get me in the popular group. Okay, so I am only fourteen, but I have plenty of super hard headed Italian steam in my head. I am sure I gave a very good fake smile, by the next day probably gathered many a Billy The Kid, Lamb Chop and various others to strut through school. I sealed my fate with that one.
It did get somewhat lonely trying to figure my place, I have always just liked who I liked.
One of my friends she did like her drugs, wasn't my thing but I liked her. The other was a Church Addict..... seriously, talk about polar opposites! Those were my two closest friends through high school, neither went to my school, and didn't like each other, so I did more observing and trying to figure out where I belonged while at school.
The Men Who Love Bitches..... I just didn't know how to play the game. I was Frances' daughter, a simple gal who was used to wearing a uniform to school everyday. I was the only sibling who veered from all girl or boy Catholic High School and now and was struggling with it all, especially in the clothes department. My mom gave me fifty dollars to buy my clothes for the year. Hmm, I wandered on over to Miller Outpost at the mall. "Dittos, a type of popular girls pants in the 7o's were nearly forty bucks. I did the best I could do, but I bought those dittos, you know I did. I put together any combo known to mankind, borrowed, rifled, used hand me downs, I didn't care, I was desperate. I self consciously scooted my way down the halls through the lockers each morning only eye contact - the dots on the floor.
A funny thing I remember this one girl would say to me, " You always have the cutest clothes.
A. My first reaction..... keep your voice down someone will hear.
B. Right
C. I am so embarrassed I wish I could disappear.
Never did I think, wow, what a nice compliment, she really likes my clothes. I had nothing to compare it to, I felt so in it alone. I still have that first reaction to a compliment- trying to get out grow that one! The great lesson I learned from that, desperation is the true mother of invention and served me well throughout my life. I passed it on to my daughter, hopefully in a more creative form- having fun and looking at what is not there, make your own magic. Katie is amazing with creations, art, design and is definitely one of a kind.
I still like strange funky stores, I am a gal who loves diamonds in the rough, with people , places and things.
Yes, I wanted to be those shiny diamonds I saw walking around- more than you could possibly imagine. I had no idea who I was, until pushed!
Thanks Jimmy for making that scared freshman girl feel okay in her own skin.
Friday, August 22, 2014
Howdy Partner
Every time I saw "Partner," I expected him to have pistols packed in each holster,
Gary Cooper's determined look of defiance, yep. That's what I expected when I bounced on through Partners doors. Cool, level headed, ready for anything. Hmmm.... Howdy Partner.
Ray is sitting on the couch lost in his own computer world thoughts, but at the same time saying.... "What in the hell is she laughing about again? " He's trying to act cool as he sees me snicker and type fast. How fast can a gal who types with two fingers go? I type with my two middle fingers, why, I have no idea..... just how I roll, just seems to make sense to me. Got a pretty good rhythm actually, once I get lost in my own world. Okay, back to Partner...... so sorry.Met Partner and his gal well over fifteen years ago, was in need of a Chiropractor, can't remember what they specialized in- but seemed what I needed at the time. Partner and his gal were a Hubby and Wife team. Seems like we could have figured out that Dept, Ray's bro and mine both being chiropractors.
(Would have to travel to Pennsylvania for mine, though.) I started off as Mrs. Partner's patient, I liked her a lot, so didn't pay much attention to Partner, his holster and showdown at High Noon. But one day Partners wife took to the bed ill...... can't remember exactly what happened, in stepped the ever chivalrous Partner to the rescue.
Howdy Partner..... is he seriously talking to me, while saunters slowly across the room, ( seemed like slow motion) doing the severe lean back.
Now this is just funny at this point, because he is wearing his slackettes waaaaaay too high, his shirt severely tucked into those very high slackettes, and the lean gets even more severe backward. How does this Cowboy not fall?
Howdy Partner..... I look around again, wanting to just burst out loud, froth, dance a jig, who the hell didn't see Partner sauntering toward me in this rig whilst as dead pan as humanly possibly calling me Partner for the tenth time.
The set up for this Chiropractic Clinic seemed ultra modern to me at the time. It was a very large room,as opposed to the small rooms I had always gone to previously. When the kids were small, we went to Ray's brother ( now is sports therapist/ motivational speaker for athletes ) so we are all out together with Partner. I couldn't wait for Ray's turn to meet Partner..... I didn't want to spoil the surprise. He got even more of a super lean back, and I swear it is inhumanly possibly for that mans pants to be hitched up around his now it would almost appear to be his neck? Katie and Matt experienced Mr. and Mrs. Partner...... why not share the wealth, didn't want to be stingy. Partner started getting super controlling, maybe his pants starting strangling him and he couldn't breath?If we all didn't come in forever three times a week, we were "bad partners." So sad to say our Partnerdome ended one sweet day- but today for some reason, the memory of that fine man, that swell posture, and calling out to Ray this morn..... Howdy Partner just brought all that magic back.
Good times...... :)
Gary Cooper's determined look of defiance, yep. That's what I expected when I bounced on through Partners doors. Cool, level headed, ready for anything. Hmmm.... Howdy Partner.
Ray is sitting on the couch lost in his own computer world thoughts, but at the same time saying.... "What in the hell is she laughing about again? " He's trying to act cool as he sees me snicker and type fast. How fast can a gal who types with two fingers go? I type with my two middle fingers, why, I have no idea..... just how I roll, just seems to make sense to me. Got a pretty good rhythm actually, once I get lost in my own world. Okay, back to Partner...... so sorry.Met Partner and his gal well over fifteen years ago, was in need of a Chiropractor, can't remember what they specialized in- but seemed what I needed at the time. Partner and his gal were a Hubby and Wife team. Seems like we could have figured out that Dept, Ray's bro and mine both being chiropractors.
(Would have to travel to Pennsylvania for mine, though.) I started off as Mrs. Partner's patient, I liked her a lot, so didn't pay much attention to Partner, his holster and showdown at High Noon. But one day Partners wife took to the bed ill...... can't remember exactly what happened, in stepped the ever chivalrous Partner to the rescue.
Howdy Partner..... is he seriously talking to me, while saunters slowly across the room, ( seemed like slow motion) doing the severe lean back.
Now this is just funny at this point, because he is wearing his slackettes waaaaaay too high, his shirt severely tucked into those very high slackettes, and the lean gets even more severe backward. How does this Cowboy not fall?
Howdy Partner..... I look around again, wanting to just burst out loud, froth, dance a jig, who the hell didn't see Partner sauntering toward me in this rig whilst as dead pan as humanly possibly calling me Partner for the tenth time.
The set up for this Chiropractic Clinic seemed ultra modern to me at the time. It was a very large room,as opposed to the small rooms I had always gone to previously. When the kids were small, we went to Ray's brother ( now is sports therapist/ motivational speaker for athletes ) so we are all out together with Partner. I couldn't wait for Ray's turn to meet Partner..... I didn't want to spoil the surprise. He got even more of a super lean back, and I swear it is inhumanly possibly for that mans pants to be hitched up around his now it would almost appear to be his neck? Katie and Matt experienced Mr. and Mrs. Partner...... why not share the wealth, didn't want to be stingy. Partner started getting super controlling, maybe his pants starting strangling him and he couldn't breath?If we all didn't come in forever three times a week, we were "bad partners." So sad to say our Partnerdome ended one sweet day- but today for some reason, the memory of that fine man, that swell posture, and calling out to Ray this morn..... Howdy Partner just brought all that magic back.
Good times...... :)
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Home
I don't know the exact moment it hit, or even if there is an exact moment anymore. I think it is a series of baby quakes, and I am slightly shaken until the earth beneath me starts to rumble, saying, "Hey, seriously what do you need to pay attention- I'm talking to you." Boom, it's on. It was on several times today, okay, okay I heard. First quake- in Nordstrom Rack. I just realized--- I hate that store. I walk in and think, oh designer this, fabulous that, great prices, and my bigger than Leo part takes over, kicking the sweet gal to the curb. Yes, on occasion I have found some cool things- but overall I feel like crap. Have no idea why, it is just the energy in my local one. I feel really tired after maybe ten minutes, I sit in the dressing room with the worst self loathing taking over. Hmm.... and this is supposed to be fun? I actually dig shopping, so something is not right in my Universe when this is going down.
Figuring out maybe it is time to vamoose, I am out the door breathing fresh air again. this seems to make sense to me, and I crank up the music in my car..... featuring Wine Country which is just rocking my world. Ray and I got the CD about six or seven years ago, and I found it again the other day. It just soothes your soul like a gentle summer breeze and feels like you are taking sweet, windy roads even while doing mundane outings. But- the downside to this tenderhearted gal, my heart is already feeling so much, now it is just churning away as I am listening to these beautiful melodies. I am so thirsty, God knows why I pull into Panda Express to get an iced tea- it just sounded good. I text my friend, as we go back and forth, a pool a water forms beneath my eyes which I can no longer control, dripping down my cheeks. Trying to act like this is an everyday occurrence as I saunter over for yet another gigantic iced tea, I just give it up and let them flow. Who's kidding who, it's on, and I just want out of there. What I realize as I am walking out, purpose. Ok, if I have to lose it in Panda Express, (I am nothing if not for self exploration) purpose of being.....in my case, it's part two honey bunny- time to figure it out. I accomplished what was in my heart, stayed home, raised our children and couldn't be prouder of who they are. Now something else is calling me, not entirely different, It's still all about Love. Our kids taught my heart well. Part Two.
Over dinner tonight I talked to Ray about this revelation, we always talk about this revelation,
working together- our dream. The thing is, we really just like being together, with the desire to create a space, an environment where people can feel home..... loved, safe, creative, the in betweens we are still trying to figure out. We want to buy land, he wants a barn, both figuring out details- and lots of them. But one thing that has remained true, consistent and unwavering for Ray's bride. If we build it, they will come. The one true thing I know in my heart- a life centered around goodness, love, treating people with dignity and respect. I have gotten so stuck in the details..... instead of just moving forward and believing, letting my heart DREAM BIG, as it has moved me forward in every other area of my life, introduced me to all the people I love- instead of getting bogged down with too many details. It's not me, never has been.
That is who I can hire to help me, I have to understand my strengths..... we all do.
It is not about what so and so said we should do. What is in our hearts? I have been so fearful at times- because my heart wants to do what others would consider ridiculous. The path to my current life.....
I almost can't breath, the tears are here, they should be. The road has been long, rocky, severe at times,
seemed never ending at other times.... but somewhere inside me, there was a small voice that believed in dreams. At twenty when I felt the most washed up, couldn't go back home after being away since sixteen, failed marriage- sitting on my stoop in South Pasadena I'd had enough.I decided I wanted real love. No more running away from home, running from one problem after another, to another. It was done- I wanted real love, whatever, however it came, whatever it took, whatever it looked like. It came.... but not easily. Not for Ray or me. Neither of us traveled lightly with our pasts.
But the unpacking along the way, the willingness to do whatever it took to love, forgive, heal. That has been the past thirty two years- finding our way home. That will be our next adventure, creating a haven, a place where others can feel HOME. It all starts with that one step, that belief that there is more.
For me, it is usually Earthquakes, Avalanches, Landslides. I am hardheaded.... I wish I could get it the first time, second or third would be swell. But for me to make such great changes and believe them all the way through- sometimes my world needs to shake. Here's to the great Part Two..... next adventure.
Figuring out maybe it is time to vamoose, I am out the door breathing fresh air again. this seems to make sense to me, and I crank up the music in my car..... featuring Wine Country which is just rocking my world. Ray and I got the CD about six or seven years ago, and I found it again the other day. It just soothes your soul like a gentle summer breeze and feels like you are taking sweet, windy roads even while doing mundane outings. But- the downside to this tenderhearted gal, my heart is already feeling so much, now it is just churning away as I am listening to these beautiful melodies. I am so thirsty, God knows why I pull into Panda Express to get an iced tea- it just sounded good. I text my friend, as we go back and forth, a pool a water forms beneath my eyes which I can no longer control, dripping down my cheeks. Trying to act like this is an everyday occurrence as I saunter over for yet another gigantic iced tea, I just give it up and let them flow. Who's kidding who, it's on, and I just want out of there. What I realize as I am walking out, purpose. Ok, if I have to lose it in Panda Express, (I am nothing if not for self exploration) purpose of being.....in my case, it's part two honey bunny- time to figure it out. I accomplished what was in my heart, stayed home, raised our children and couldn't be prouder of who they are. Now something else is calling me, not entirely different, It's still all about Love. Our kids taught my heart well. Part Two.
Over dinner tonight I talked to Ray about this revelation, we always talk about this revelation,
working together- our dream. The thing is, we really just like being together, with the desire to create a space, an environment where people can feel home..... loved, safe, creative, the in betweens we are still trying to figure out. We want to buy land, he wants a barn, both figuring out details- and lots of them. But one thing that has remained true, consistent and unwavering for Ray's bride. If we build it, they will come. The one true thing I know in my heart- a life centered around goodness, love, treating people with dignity and respect. I have gotten so stuck in the details..... instead of just moving forward and believing, letting my heart DREAM BIG, as it has moved me forward in every other area of my life, introduced me to all the people I love- instead of getting bogged down with too many details. It's not me, never has been.
That is who I can hire to help me, I have to understand my strengths..... we all do.
It is not about what so and so said we should do. What is in our hearts? I have been so fearful at times- because my heart wants to do what others would consider ridiculous. The path to my current life.....
I almost can't breath, the tears are here, they should be. The road has been long, rocky, severe at times,
seemed never ending at other times.... but somewhere inside me, there was a small voice that believed in dreams. At twenty when I felt the most washed up, couldn't go back home after being away since sixteen, failed marriage- sitting on my stoop in South Pasadena I'd had enough.I decided I wanted real love. No more running away from home, running from one problem after another, to another. It was done- I wanted real love, whatever, however it came, whatever it took, whatever it looked like. It came.... but not easily. Not for Ray or me. Neither of us traveled lightly with our pasts.
But the unpacking along the way, the willingness to do whatever it took to love, forgive, heal. That has been the past thirty two years- finding our way home. That will be our next adventure, creating a haven, a place where others can feel HOME. It all starts with that one step, that belief that there is more.
For me, it is usually Earthquakes, Avalanches, Landslides. I am hardheaded.... I wish I could get it the first time, second or third would be swell. But for me to make such great changes and believe them all the way through- sometimes my world needs to shake. Here's to the great Part Two..... next adventure.
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
When Crazy is Normal
I write in cycles.... I can go for many months and not have the slightest interest in jotting anything more down than a brief grocery list. A note. Typically when this occurs, I am in the thick of it, living it, going through many changes, writing is the absolute last thing I have the energy for. I am haunted in my waking hours, my dreams, people I meet, all screaming, screeching, butting up against me, change is in the air.
I know when outwardly change happens.... I do something dramatic as a Leo needs to do.I chop off my hair. Got even more cut today..... and quite honestly- I told my gal I felt like shaving my head fresh new start. "How about we just clean it up," she politely asked ? Okay, guess that will work too. :)
For me when so much change is going on inside, I need to express it outwardly...... hair lady always says, " But why the hair? " Because I need a change.
We were chatting about growing up italian, throw in catholic.
I will digress for a moment, because it makes me laugh. While in Osh over the weekend, as Ray and I were cruising around, this gal pal working there stops in her tracks, stares and says...." You're kidding me?" Ok, is my lunch on my face, something on my shirt, did I say what I was thinking out loud and forget? Then she laughs really hard pointing at Rays shirt. "Don't Hassle The Hoff" with a pic of David Hasselhoff- oh that! We both just laughed..... and the conversation began, but what I appreciated even more, my hubby's fabulous sense of humor.
This gal pal and I were only a couple years apart, but could have been twins in the life and times of Catholic Girl's Life. Even down to making up sins when we couldn't think of any thing good for mandatory monthly confession in grade school. We were morphing as one, telling stories. Her sister becoming a nun, my bro going to the seminary to become a priest. Telling her, honestly until about two years ago I never made the connection about my siblings names..... Mary and Joe the two oldest.
Mary and Joseph- really??? Oh and Anne, the next one Mary's mother..... your kidding?
My mother was seriously into the saints names. I was born on St Clare's feast Day-
My Mother is Frances. St Francis of Assisi..... and the beat goes on. William, well, that seems fairly non saintly as far as saints rock, and then the baby, St Paul. I thought my brothers given name this whole time was "Billy", not William - no wonder I was in the "other class" in school, and it wasn't for brainiacs. I just took things, people, just about everything at face value, fifth out of sixth in line is just that. You do what you do- you always had someone telling you what to do, how to think, what to say.
Parents, siblings before you, priests, nuns, whatever, whoever.
I was a very compliant human being, quiet, shy beyond words. My world was one of observation as it remains today. I thought to myself today while out, "Who are you really?" Being somewhat of an extroverted Leo, a at times I need to play in the Sun. But honestly, what I am learning about myself each day, I am a loner. Something I have not cared to look at, or accept. I enjoy being alone, observing,
taking mental notes, etc. I love talking and meeting people, but then when I am full up, I am full up and need to go home to my sanctuary- it is how I survive and thrive. I am accepting all the parts of me, which in the past I denied, betrayed, was ashamed of, simply pushed away. In order for me to give the very best of me, I need my recharging time. Coming from a family with no boundaries......
When Crazy is Normal, I felt as though I were committing a criminal act by taking care of myself, stepping away, hibernating until I got my bearings back. This was never okay, so I learned to stick situations out way past the point of discomfort, sheer misery, agony, torture.
But because all the players ( family members) and their blank expressions normalized insanity, I began to act like crazy was normal. It was all about the numbers ( people) there were too many of them- I wasn't yet strong enough to fully stand on my own- and be the punching bag each time. My recovery time would get slower and slower, while depression would loom larger and darker. BUT- I wanted to fit in.
Just love me, like me, ok, just don't hate me. This would become my mantra and I would dance any dance that was required. It no longer mattered, only approval, one that would never come. Hair lady and I talked about what no longer is okay in our lives, I listened with new ears. Maybe more room with new ventilation with new 'do. How is this one? It is not okay to feel like crap before, during and after being around family, or people that don't give or are harmful.Why must I hang so tough, who am I proving this to anymore? I am worth more than just surviving, I, like everyone on this Planet- have a right to thrive and feel magnificent, whole, joyous.
Hows this one??? Ecstatic. Whoa, bold declaration for Frances' fifth child. The child that was so afraid to have dreams, to show LOVE.... which in this lifetime is the only thing that has ever made sense to me. Coming from The Sahara Desert of withholding households, punished for expression. Living in COLOR... bold and brave and beautiful and daring as we can be. Releasing our fears and cares and just going for it. Believing we are ENOUGH! Always were.... always will be.
It really is just one baby step at a time. Sometimes one forward, two back, and even tripping along the way. Here's the thing no one told any of us..... in that great manual of how things work. You're supposed to fall, skin your knees, get a little banged up. Color outside the lines- laugh, cry, yell, dance, jump, get mad, just get going. Whatever , however , everyone one of us has our own special way. When we allow it, quit punishing and denying.... that is when the MAGIC is unlocked.Trust and believe in yourself----- I believe in you.
I know when outwardly change happens.... I do something dramatic as a Leo needs to do.I chop off my hair. Got even more cut today..... and quite honestly- I told my gal I felt like shaving my head fresh new start. "How about we just clean it up," she politely asked ? Okay, guess that will work too. :)
For me when so much change is going on inside, I need to express it outwardly...... hair lady always says, " But why the hair? " Because I need a change.
We were chatting about growing up italian, throw in catholic.
I will digress for a moment, because it makes me laugh. While in Osh over the weekend, as Ray and I were cruising around, this gal pal working there stops in her tracks, stares and says...." You're kidding me?" Ok, is my lunch on my face, something on my shirt, did I say what I was thinking out loud and forget? Then she laughs really hard pointing at Rays shirt. "Don't Hassle The Hoff" with a pic of David Hasselhoff- oh that! We both just laughed..... and the conversation began, but what I appreciated even more, my hubby's fabulous sense of humor.
This gal pal and I were only a couple years apart, but could have been twins in the life and times of Catholic Girl's Life. Even down to making up sins when we couldn't think of any thing good for mandatory monthly confession in grade school. We were morphing as one, telling stories. Her sister becoming a nun, my bro going to the seminary to become a priest. Telling her, honestly until about two years ago I never made the connection about my siblings names..... Mary and Joe the two oldest.
Mary and Joseph- really??? Oh and Anne, the next one Mary's mother..... your kidding?
My mother was seriously into the saints names. I was born on St Clare's feast Day-
My Mother is Frances. St Francis of Assisi..... and the beat goes on. William, well, that seems fairly non saintly as far as saints rock, and then the baby, St Paul. I thought my brothers given name this whole time was "Billy", not William - no wonder I was in the "other class" in school, and it wasn't for brainiacs. I just took things, people, just about everything at face value, fifth out of sixth in line is just that. You do what you do- you always had someone telling you what to do, how to think, what to say.
Parents, siblings before you, priests, nuns, whatever, whoever.
I was a very compliant human being, quiet, shy beyond words. My world was one of observation as it remains today. I thought to myself today while out, "Who are you really?" Being somewhat of an extroverted Leo, a at times I need to play in the Sun. But honestly, what I am learning about myself each day, I am a loner. Something I have not cared to look at, or accept. I enjoy being alone, observing,
taking mental notes, etc. I love talking and meeting people, but then when I am full up, I am full up and need to go home to my sanctuary- it is how I survive and thrive. I am accepting all the parts of me, which in the past I denied, betrayed, was ashamed of, simply pushed away. In order for me to give the very best of me, I need my recharging time. Coming from a family with no boundaries......
When Crazy is Normal, I felt as though I were committing a criminal act by taking care of myself, stepping away, hibernating until I got my bearings back. This was never okay, so I learned to stick situations out way past the point of discomfort, sheer misery, agony, torture.
But because all the players ( family members) and their blank expressions normalized insanity, I began to act like crazy was normal. It was all about the numbers ( people) there were too many of them- I wasn't yet strong enough to fully stand on my own- and be the punching bag each time. My recovery time would get slower and slower, while depression would loom larger and darker. BUT- I wanted to fit in.
Just love me, like me, ok, just don't hate me. This would become my mantra and I would dance any dance that was required. It no longer mattered, only approval, one that would never come. Hair lady and I talked about what no longer is okay in our lives, I listened with new ears. Maybe more room with new ventilation with new 'do. How is this one? It is not okay to feel like crap before, during and after being around family, or people that don't give or are harmful.Why must I hang so tough, who am I proving this to anymore? I am worth more than just surviving, I, like everyone on this Planet- have a right to thrive and feel magnificent, whole, joyous.
Hows this one??? Ecstatic. Whoa, bold declaration for Frances' fifth child. The child that was so afraid to have dreams, to show LOVE.... which in this lifetime is the only thing that has ever made sense to me. Coming from The Sahara Desert of withholding households, punished for expression. Living in COLOR... bold and brave and beautiful and daring as we can be. Releasing our fears and cares and just going for it. Believing we are ENOUGH! Always were.... always will be.
It really is just one baby step at a time. Sometimes one forward, two back, and even tripping along the way. Here's the thing no one told any of us..... in that great manual of how things work. You're supposed to fall, skin your knees, get a little banged up. Color outside the lines- laugh, cry, yell, dance, jump, get mad, just get going. Whatever , however , everyone one of us has our own special way. When we allow it, quit punishing and denying.... that is when the MAGIC is unlocked.Trust and believe in yourself----- I believe in you.
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