Home

I don't know the exact moment it hit, or even if  there is an exact moment anymore. I think it is a series of baby quakes, and I am slightly shaken until the earth beneath me starts to rumble, saying, "Hey, seriously what do you need to  pay attention- I'm talking to you." Boom, it's on. It was on several times today, okay, okay I heard. First quake- in Nordstrom Rack. I just realized--- I hate that store. I walk in and think, oh designer this,  fabulous that, great prices, and my bigger than Leo part takes over,  kicking the sweet gal to the curb. Yes, on occasion I have found some cool things- but overall I feel like crap. Have no idea why, it is just the energy in my local one. I feel really tired after maybe ten minutes, I sit in the dressing room with the worst self loathing taking over. Hmm....   and this is supposed to be fun? I actually dig shopping, so something is not right in my Universe when this is going down.
    Figuring out maybe it is time to vamoose,  I am out the door breathing fresh air again. this seems to make sense to me, and I crank up the music in my car..... featuring Wine Country which is just rocking my world. Ray and I got the CD about six or seven years ago, and I found it again the other day. It just soothes your soul like a gentle summer breeze and feels like you are taking sweet, windy roads even while doing mundane outings. But- the downside to this tenderhearted gal, my heart is already feeling so much, now it is just churning away as I am listening to these beautiful melodies.  I am so thirsty, God knows why I pull into Panda Express to get an iced tea- it just sounded good. I text my friend,  as we go back and forth, a pool a water forms beneath my eyes which I can no longer control, dripping down my cheeks. Trying to act like this is an everyday occurrence as I saunter over for yet another gigantic iced tea, I just give it up and let them flow. Who's kidding who, it's on, and I just want out of there. What I realize as I am walking out, purpose. Ok, if I have to lose it in Panda Express, (I am nothing if not for self exploration) purpose of being.....in my case, it's part two honey bunny- time to figure it out. I accomplished what was in my heart, stayed home, raised our children and couldn't be prouder of who they are.  Now something else is  calling me, not entirely different, It's still all about Love. Our kids taught my heart well. Part Two.
Over dinner tonight I talked to Ray about this revelation, we always talk about this revelation,
working together- our dream. The thing is, we really just like being together,  with the desire to create a space, an environment where people can feel home..... loved, safe, creative,   the in betweens we are still  trying to figure out. We want to buy land, he wants a barn, both figuring out details- and lots of them. But one thing that has remained true, consistent and unwavering for Ray's bride. If we build it, they will come. The one true thing I know in my heart- a life centered around goodness, love, treating people with dignity and respect. I have gotten so stuck in the details..... instead of just moving forward and believing, letting my heart DREAM BIG, as it has moved me forward in every other area of my life, introduced me to all the people I  love- instead of getting bogged down with too many details. It's not me, never has been.
That is who I can hire to help me, I have to understand my strengths.....  we all do.
It is not about what so and so said we should do. What is in our hearts? I have been so fearful at times- because my heart wants to do what others would consider ridiculous. The path to my current life.....
I almost can't breath, the tears are here, they should be. The road has been long, rocky, severe at times,
seemed never ending at other times.... but somewhere inside me, there was a small voice that believed in dreams. At twenty when I  felt the most washed up, couldn't go back home after being away since sixteen, failed marriage- sitting on  my stoop in South Pasadena I'd had enough.I decided I wanted real love. No  more running away from home, running from one problem after another, to another. It was done- I wanted real love, whatever, however it came, whatever it took, whatever it looked like. It came.... but not easily. Not for Ray or me. Neither of us traveled lightly with our pasts.
But the unpacking along the way, the willingness to do whatever it took to love, forgive, heal.  That has been the past thirty two years- finding our way home. That will be our next adventure, creating a haven, a place where others can feel HOME. It all starts with that one step, that belief that there is more.
For me, it is usually Earthquakes, Avalanches, Landslides. I am hardheaded.... I wish I could get it the first time, second or third would be swell. But for me to make such great changes and believe them all the way through- sometimes my world needs to shake. Here's to the great Part Two..... next adventure.