When Crazy is Normal

I write in cycles.... I can go for many months and not have the slightest interest in jotting anything more down than a brief grocery list. A note.  Typically when this occurs, I am in the thick of it, living it, going through many changes, writing is the absolute last thing I have the energy for. I am haunted in my waking hours, my dreams, people I meet, all screaming, screeching, butting up against me,  change is in the air.
I know when outwardly  change happens.... I do something dramatic as a Leo needs to do.I chop off  my hair. Got even more cut today..... and quite honestly- I told my gal I felt like shaving my head fresh new start. "How about we just clean it up," she politely asked ? Okay, guess that will work too. :)
 For me when so much change is going on inside, I  need to express it outwardly...... hair lady always says, " But why the hair? " Because  I need a change.
 We were chatting about growing up italian, throw in catholic.
I will digress for a moment, because it makes me laugh. While in Osh over the weekend, as Ray and I were cruising around, this gal pal working there stops in her tracks, stares and says...." You're kidding me?" Ok, is my lunch on my face, something on my shirt, did I say what I was thinking out loud and forget? Then she laughs really hard pointing at Rays shirt.  "Don't Hassle The Hoff" with a pic of David Hasselhoff-  oh that! We both just laughed..... and the conversation began, but what I appreciated even more, my hubby's fabulous sense of humor.
This gal pal and I were only a couple years apart, but could have been twins in the life and times of Catholic Girl's Life. Even down to making up sins when we couldn't think of any thing good for mandatory monthly confession in  grade school.  We were morphing as one, telling stories. Her sister becoming a nun, my bro going to the seminary to become a priest.  Telling her, honestly until about two years ago I never made the connection about my siblings names..... Mary and Joe the two oldest.
Mary and Joseph- really??? Oh and Anne, the next one Mary's mother..... your kidding?
My mother was seriously into the saints names. I was born on St Clare's feast Day-
My Mother is Frances. St Francis of Assisi..... and the beat goes on. William, well, that seems fairly non saintly as far as saints rock, and then the baby, St Paul. I thought my brothers given name this whole time was "Billy", not William -  no wonder I was in the "other class" in school, and it wasn't for brainiacs. I just took  things, people, just about everything at face value, fifth out of sixth in line is just that. You do what you do- you always had someone telling you what to do, how to think, what to say.
Parents, siblings before you, priests, nuns, whatever, whoever.
I was a very compliant human being, quiet, shy beyond words. My world was one of observation as it remains today. I thought to myself  today while out, "Who are you really?" Being  somewhat of an extroverted Leo, a at times I  need to play in the Sun. But honestly, what I am learning about myself each day, I am a loner. Something I have not cared to look at, or accept. I enjoy being alone, observing,
taking mental notes, etc. I love talking and meeting people, but then when I am full up, I am full up and need to go home to my sanctuary- it is how I survive and thrive. I am accepting all the parts of me, which in the past I denied, betrayed, was ashamed of, simply pushed away. In order for me to give the very best of me, I need my recharging time.  Coming from a family with no boundaries......
When Crazy is Normal, I felt as though I were committing a criminal act by taking care of myself, stepping away,  hibernating until I got my bearings back. This was never okay, so I learned to stick situations out way past the point of discomfort,  sheer misery, agony, torture.
But because all the players ( family members) and their blank expressions normalized insanity, I began to act like crazy was normal. It was all about the numbers ( people) there were too many of them- I wasn't yet strong enough to fully stand on my own- and be the punching bag each time. My recovery time would get slower and slower,  while depression would loom larger and darker. BUT- I wanted to fit in.
Just love me, like me, ok, just don't hate me. This would become my mantra and I would dance any dance that was required. It no longer mattered, only approval, one that would never come. Hair lady and I talked about what no longer is okay in our lives, I listened with new ears. Maybe more room with new ventilation with new 'do. How is this one? It is not okay to feel like crap before, during and after being around family, or people  that don't give or are harmful.Why must I hang so tough, who am I proving this to anymore? I am worth more than just surviving, I, like everyone on this Planet- have a right to thrive and feel magnificent, whole, joyous.
 Hows this one??? Ecstatic. Whoa, bold declaration for Frances' fifth child. The child that was so afraid to have dreams,  to show LOVE.... which in this lifetime is the only thing that has ever made sense to me. Coming from The Sahara Desert of withholding households, punished for expression. Living in COLOR... bold and brave and beautiful and daring as we can be. Releasing our fears and cares and just going for it. Believing we are ENOUGH! Always were.... always will be.
It really is just one baby step at a time. Sometimes one forward, two back, and even tripping along the way. Here's the thing no one told any of us..... in that great manual of how things work. You're supposed to fall, skin your knees, get a little banged up.  Color outside the lines- laugh, cry, yell, dance, jump, get mad, just get going. Whatever , however , everyone one of us has our own special way. When we allow it, quit punishing and denying.... that is when the MAGIC is unlocked.Trust and believe in yourself----- I believe in you.