Who I Want To Be

I was just thinking how we all play different roles in life, with different people,
perhaps some of us more than others. As we grow, get to know who we are, become comfortable in our own skin, peel away enough to get to the core of our foundation. I have worn many costumes in my life, I always assumed this was the norm. I now understand it was necessary for me, until it wasn't.
When a great deal of damage occurs in a persons life, so many different forms of protection take over.
Coming in the form of positive and negative, sometimes simultaneous for me.  Probably my saving grace, but pulling me in two different directions constantly. My sixteenth year of life was my most profound, by far. I moved out of my home- the most dramatic. My childhood ended. On one hand, a Nun in a baby blue pinto and I hung out quite often which I really dug, it made so much sense to me. She was around 24 or 25 and  exposed me to so many things-  opened my eyes. Social Service, Inner City in LA- on the other hand we would drop by her families home in Encino, which would then blow me away. Her mother seemed  very cool, distant . My Nun friend would lose her sparkle when she walked into her mothers kitchen. Quite the opposite of my mother, her mother never forgave her for becoming a Sister of Social Service. My mother  never forgave my brother for not becoming a Priest.
I loved hanging in her room at the Nunnery,  sorry we didn't do any funky stuff. Had a little vino, she smoked incessantly and she cussed like a sailor which made me laugh. You know, behind closed doors even Nuns let their hair down.
Then there was my neighbor who lived across the street, the local  drug store. I just wasn't into it.
I remember going over my friends house to spend the night, ( her parents went to bed at seven thirty) and she would become girls gone wild. There used to be a phone hot line you could scream your number into in the mid 70's. We would scream her number and wait. The crazy thing, her parents would let her go out with boys in 9th grade,  but would trip out if we hung out at Thrifty's too long. Her mom worked at The Rectory, was super religious, and thought this gal pal was an angel. The same gal that would whip out, I think it was window pane? like it was nothing. I was so afraid of that stuff,  any drug- I knew I would be the one who would never come back from tripping. I was already a trip, trust me, I had so many stories being written in my head.
That was the theme of some of my gal pals, the costumes they wore. Some mighty fine halos-- wish I would have learned that trick, but as in previous stories, I was into my own thing-" The thirty year old divorcee look" at fourteen, as my sister called it. I didn't understand the subtleties of "acting" as my gal pals did with their parents. On the other hand I didn't need to overall, I could sneak out with relative ease. There was a Watchtower light cranked on with their every move. My two closest gal pals at the time couldn't have been further from each other in personality. One was in love with Priests and loved to go to Mass two, three times on Sunday, the other one detested her,asked me why I hung out with such a loser.  Then I met Bear, from Winchell's and another Crew I forgot about. This Crew all had divorced parents my- favorite kind. The only problem was with one of the girls. Her mom was hardcore AA at  the time,  my friend was so in your face about everything, completely controlling. There were four of us in that crew and all we did was talk about our weight, that was a laugh a minute. The controlling one always told us if we only put our minds to it.... blah blah blah. At this point in my life I was no longer overweight, yet every time she was around I would want to eat, go figure.
Enter another  strange thing I just remembered- Explores Club. If I were a parent I  would freak if this were my child. Explorers Club, a group for outdoors or something. Cool, I don't care sign me up. Four dudes ran this and most of the girls in it were teen angels.
One of my Crew who of course I nicknamed- "Kitty" became girlfriend to one of the leaders ( honestly his name was "Kit")  probably ten years older than her. No problem, cool-  seemed normal. I think she moved to Ventura that summer with him. What was up with our parents? The world for me that had taken over that year-  Bear World and Cops.  It all started with me going up to Winchell's to get a Donut one chilly fall night. Bear and I start talking, didn't know each other really- and  she introduces me to these two Cops.These two were unrelenting, today they would be in Prison for Life with the key thrown away, their prey-  thirteen to sixteen year old girls, too many too count.That is the first time I have ever said that. I still don't have enough of the reaction I should.  My friend who went through the same experience- not so lucky. We are no longer friends, and that hurts my soul more than I can say. Her life, I am sure rocks to her. But being married to a man who says if she ever left him, he would burn her and the kids in it- that was years ago. Many other charming things, I am just sad damage will keep you there. When Authority Figures take away something from you in your youth, Priests, Police, Parent,there is a dulling that takes place. To come back to who you are, get back into balance, take away the sarcasm, edge, hurt,defenses, proving, wanting to strike back at people who remind you of so and so.
 I became what they wanted me to be.  Many things don't faze me that should, yet simple things can still break my heart.
I know my strength, it is my vulnerability.  My freedom comes in writing- it makes me stronger every day. My secrets kept me locked up in a prison that was never mine. I hold the key to my freedom. Telling the truth, not pretending. I have nothing to be ashamed of or fear. I have lived my fear and horror. I am living life now, how I want to be.