What any child wants, needs, craves..... to be loved as is. No strings attached.
The feeling of that love being conditional, I believe makes for one very insecure human being.
Coming from the parents I have, finally understanding...... by stepping back far enough.
Also quite helpful to have unconditional people in my corner now.
My Parents played favorites-my siblings and I would be dropped for the one at the time who had the most to offer the "bottomless pits".
I didn't understand the rules of engagement. I was far too invested in pleasing. Being fifth out of sixth in the line up..... I took what I could get. The last two of us were kind of an after thought for child rearing. It was not as though it was a picnic for the first four. Not by any stretch. When two parents, take mine for example, never got their emotional needs met there is going to be havoc in the family.
In mine, my mother had no respect ..... absolute disdain for my father. We felt we always had to choose sides. In the early days..... my mom would cry and drive us around in the family wagon after a fight with my father. The three daughters would comfort the weeping mother. I am not sure what the boys did.
Probably just dug cruising in the ride. That wagon was one fine ride.The back seat faced oncoming traffic....I loved sitting back there!
Our house never felt like a home. If you spilled milk you were demonized. It felt as though we had horns on and were the devils own. My dad would become so enraged. I am pretty sure a lot of milk got spilled on a regular basis in our house.
First off, we had very poor table manners. We were born in a barn practically with our behavior. Wild Animals On Parade.
There were a lot of us.... with very little rules going on. Except church rules. House rules....
we cleaned and did the dishes, etc.
Second..... we were hungry.
We wanted to eat when we wanted to eat. My mom was very big on going to the Bakery Outlet.
She would buy unbelievable amounts of very inexpensive bread, donuts, etc.
We would inhale those items as quickly as she bought them. We always had at least two or three refrigerators and a freezer. Packed with lots of food. I never knew not eating mountains of
grated velveeta cheese by the handful.... as my mom made tray after tray of tacos.
Let me tell you...... we could put that food away.
Meal time was very quick and loud...... eat everything in sight. It was expected. Normal.
As the years went by and my dad became the cook, if we didn't eat the fifteen courses he prepared,
[okay slight exaggeration but not much!] again..... that conditional thing would come into play. Anger at us if we did not eat enormous amounts of food to please his ego for what he prepared. So much
until feelings of wanting to vomit. He would go on and on about how he cooked.... don't you like it?
Here have more. I would feel like a trapped rat. None of us wanted his wrath.
It was a silent brewing rage. Food has always been such an issue in our family. It has felt a form of control to me in their home. I find it very difficult to even eat their food most of the time anymore.
I literally feel like I am eating their anger.
The pitting the children against each other has gone on so long..... it was unrecognizable.....
until we started waking up. That is when my mother teams up with my father and there is solidarity.
The only time. To go against one of their children. Or it becomes a team effort to get several family members to go against one. This philosophy is no longer working. Most of us have woken up to what has happened. The devastation that has taken place. Pitting against parent..... sibling, you name it.
It takes what it takes to wake up. None of us are proud of the pain we have caused one another.
We truly lived what we learned.... until we had some distance. Some more than others.
All wish it could be different. It is not. The awareness is what we have. Those of us in the family who choose to embrace a new way of living are doing so. Unconditionally..... a little at a time. We are new to this dance. Don't know the steps yet. The trust thing is not there all the way. That has been the deal buster. We grew up with no trust . Having been sold down the river too many times. We are always watching in wait. Hard to relax and just live when you are waiting for that next sucker punch.
I am willing and wanting and working for change. I also see it in some of my siblings. "The river is wide"..... as my boy James Taylor sings." I can cross over..... give me a boat that can carry two....."
Coming from the parents I have, finally understanding...... by stepping back far enough.
Also quite helpful to have unconditional people in my corner now.
My Parents played favorites-my siblings and I would be dropped for the one at the time who had the most to offer the "bottomless pits".
I didn't understand the rules of engagement. I was far too invested in pleasing. Being fifth out of sixth in the line up..... I took what I could get. The last two of us were kind of an after thought for child rearing. It was not as though it was a picnic for the first four. Not by any stretch. When two parents, take mine for example, never got their emotional needs met there is going to be havoc in the family.
In mine, my mother had no respect ..... absolute disdain for my father. We felt we always had to choose sides. In the early days..... my mom would cry and drive us around in the family wagon after a fight with my father. The three daughters would comfort the weeping mother. I am not sure what the boys did.
Probably just dug cruising in the ride. That wagon was one fine ride.The back seat faced oncoming traffic....I loved sitting back there!
Our house never felt like a home. If you spilled milk you were demonized. It felt as though we had horns on and were the devils own. My dad would become so enraged. I am pretty sure a lot of milk got spilled on a regular basis in our house.
First off, we had very poor table manners. We were born in a barn practically with our behavior. Wild Animals On Parade.
There were a lot of us.... with very little rules going on. Except church rules. House rules....
we cleaned and did the dishes, etc.
Second..... we were hungry.
We wanted to eat when we wanted to eat. My mom was very big on going to the Bakery Outlet.
She would buy unbelievable amounts of very inexpensive bread, donuts, etc.
We would inhale those items as quickly as she bought them. We always had at least two or three refrigerators and a freezer. Packed with lots of food. I never knew not eating mountains of
grated velveeta cheese by the handful.... as my mom made tray after tray of tacos.
Let me tell you...... we could put that food away.
Meal time was very quick and loud...... eat everything in sight. It was expected. Normal.
As the years went by and my dad became the cook, if we didn't eat the fifteen courses he prepared,
[okay slight exaggeration but not much!] again..... that conditional thing would come into play. Anger at us if we did not eat enormous amounts of food to please his ego for what he prepared. So much
until feelings of wanting to vomit. He would go on and on about how he cooked.... don't you like it?
Here have more. I would feel like a trapped rat. None of us wanted his wrath.
It was a silent brewing rage. Food has always been such an issue in our family. It has felt a form of control to me in their home. I find it very difficult to even eat their food most of the time anymore.
I literally feel like I am eating their anger.
The pitting the children against each other has gone on so long..... it was unrecognizable.....
until we started waking up. That is when my mother teams up with my father and there is solidarity.
The only time. To go against one of their children. Or it becomes a team effort to get several family members to go against one. This philosophy is no longer working. Most of us have woken up to what has happened. The devastation that has taken place. Pitting against parent..... sibling, you name it.
It takes what it takes to wake up. None of us are proud of the pain we have caused one another.
We truly lived what we learned.... until we had some distance. Some more than others.
All wish it could be different. It is not. The awareness is what we have. Those of us in the family who choose to embrace a new way of living are doing so. Unconditionally..... a little at a time. We are new to this dance. Don't know the steps yet. The trust thing is not there all the way. That has been the deal buster. We grew up with no trust . Having been sold down the river too many times. We are always watching in wait. Hard to relax and just live when you are waiting for that next sucker punch.
I am willing and wanting and working for change. I also see it in some of my siblings. "The river is wide"..... as my boy James Taylor sings." I can cross over..... give me a boat that can carry two....."
No comments:
Post a Comment