Piano Eating

I could eat a piano or two dozen donuts........ but it will not fill the hole that is so very deep in my heart.
This has to come from me. No bag of  potato chips...... as delicious and crunchy as they may be,
cannot chew away the anguish I feel inside. Every time I hear that voice on the other end of the phone.
Demanding, expecting, masquerading....... utterly confusing. I cannot breathe. I become irrational immediately. My senses shut down to the point of a child. The unconscious shoveling of food.
Believe me..... whatever I can hoover in..... make it snappy. Dull the pain. 


It doesn't matter how I have tried throughout the years with my mother. Here we go again.
Drop in the bucket. Truly..... and I mean this in the kindest way: out of sight .... out of mind. When I am not near her, all is well and still in my world. I am calm and peaceful. Focused.
I lose my senses. This is no longer acceptable. It is not for lack of trying. When one party is unwilling to give.... try....... listen.......LOVE. Surrender is truly necessary for peace of mind. Sanity.
It is said....."Blood is thicker than water." I say..... knock your self out. "You only have one mother."
Well...... I guess I do, but I have found an amazing role model and mentor who has shown me
what real love and giving is. To be truly proud of myself, stand up for what I believe in. She is not my mother...... but  exemplifies everything I could ever dream of in one.

Through her own personal fire storm.......with her  mother. She has shown me, is showing
me how to navigate my way to a healthy and sane life.  I cannot be a punching bag for an unhappy
woman anymore. The denials..... the child like silence.  The attacks on all her children....yet  if one is to confront her..... the rag doll she becomes. Deeming us....... me = bad. I no longer want to play ball
on this playground. I don't like the rules and it isn't fun. I always feel bad. Always. Every single time.
Same result. Why is it I haven't learned? Wishful thinking?  I am sorry that my mother is old now.
Very unlikeable at this stage of the game. That does not make me happy. I tried every conceivable way imaginable to have this scenario turn out differently. It is ..... sadly not in my power.
I never thought...... ever it would be like this. I truly believed I could love her well. Love her so she wouldn't be so disappointed in all of us. Everyone..... everything. I am so sorry now for my brothers and sisters. There are six of us. All good people. Just wanting their mom to hug them. Touch them. Simply love them. Nothing complicated. Just hear the words from her heart. I love you --------[ name inserted]

Time has almost run out. I have begged not only for my sake..... for theirs...... the grandchildren's.
Please open your heart. Everyone wants to love you..... before it is too late. Take a risk.... take a chance.
I shed tears for you now mom. My heart can no longer be broken from you any more. I will no longer allow it. I wanted to  be with you. We all tried so hard to love you. You only push us away more.
I hope you find the peace you are looking for. It has not been here with us.  For that I can say...
It has truly been your loss. You have some pretty spectacular kids. I wish you really knew them, instead of forcing your beliefs and judgements on them. Did I mention the grandkids. They rock! Stories and lives all their own. Such interesting people. I wish you well mom. I hope you find whatever you need. I just can't eat anymore pianos.
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