Family

My family  is like a rainbow.  Not only are they beautiful and vibrant with the richest of colors, they literally are every color of the rainbow. This is not the original family I was born into. Sadly..... in the past few weeks I realize, this "group" of people as I once knew is forever boiled down to subgroups.
Each person staking claim to who and what makes them feel the safest.  The healthier left of the tribe....
now are going for higher ground. Disbanning and creating  new and healthy family systems and beliefs.
In this large family  I came from - six kids...... never once did I ever believe it would ever come to this.
Seeing my family literally become subcultures.... divide and divide..... until it has become survival of the fittest. It has been such a long and painful road to feel so alone every time I had to pull away for my own sanity.... survival. I had to do it for myself, my children and husband so that we could have a future.
It hurt more than any kind of pain I have known. To have to let go of everything I thought I knew and believed. Realizing it was built on two sad people who were lonely and lost....they got together and had six kids. Then what? Exactly.We are living proof of the then what. The time it takes to reconcile with yourself....
First.... you are not insane without guidance. You are surviving. It takes longer.
Second......... grieving, feeling lost is an absolute extension of waking up from this haze and understanding, hey.... I didn't do anything wrong but survive this insanity.
A bunch of kids running around like animals with no direction. Except severe religious control and beliefs. Everything else in childrearing..... we were on our own.
My hubby calls it "The Catholic Orphanage." The biggest thing I see lacking in my siblings and myself....lack of trust. I am slowly learning, as some of the others are.
When parents constantly betray and turn on their children.... and have the siblings turn on each other,
trust is a very hard thing to grasp. You literally sleep with one eye open.
My parents were lost children who came together out of fear, desperation..... the list could go on and on.
Love was not ever on this list..... ever. Control...... number one.
They both brought so much pain, so much childlike behavior. Where was there room for us to be children? We were watered and fed. That's what they knew how to do.
Now there are just a couple of us trying to reinvent a new family. That is all we can do.
I am excited at this prospect. If it works..... I will be joyous. If it doesn't I am still okay. I want everyone to be healthy and happy and do what they need to do in their lives. The gift I gave myself by walking
alone..... so long ago, holding on to my beliefs when no one else  shared them...... I became me.
Strength in persevering on a very dark and lonely road. No where to go .... but up!
The rainbow colors I see....  the new family I met along the way. Different races, religions.....
so many different beliefs. One thing in common, however. A mutual respect for each other.
Willingness to say "I love you"...... nice big wonderful hugs. Saying how we feel. Even if it is
not popular. Not being banned from the kingdom for saying....." I hurt, I'm scared.
Please love me." I"ve always loved rainbows.