Filling Up

My heart feels like a  pump at a gas station. Ready to be filled up to the brim.
What a difference from the old days...... just filling it half a tank, just enough to get by.
Have enough to coast for a little while.  No thought for the future. In the very early days,
not uncommon to run out on occasion. What has changed so drastically? First off,
this has been very gradual..... over many years of hard headedness. Lessons learned
without a doubt the hard way. Never going through the front door. Always the back, side,
Attic...... or no door at all. Busted it down more times than not.
Had to find my own way. Stubborn, passionate, ignorant at times. Just needed to find my way.
Needed to listen to my own voice. That was very foreign to me for so long.  Always the authority
figure had to be right. What could I possibly know?
That was incredibly frightening to listen and trust little old me. I fought it . I ran from it.
I did everything I could to shift that responsibility back to those who knew best.
I did a fabulous job of it. I was trained for it in Catholic School. Programmed exceedingly well.
Follow the leader, don't ask questions. Those kind of kids go to the Principals Office.

I was already feeling the heat of feeling different, I didn't need to bring it on.
Fit in at all costs was the motto. I desperately tried. Yet..... somehow I felt like I was always wilting, shrinking.... betraying myself. I could not possibly understand this. I surrounded myself with
people who overpowered my voice, my thoughts. Only in my secret, alternate life that I created for myself...... could I climb out of the narrowness that I was drowning in. The beliefs that made no sense to me. The fear that wasn't mine. I lost myself deeper in my early years. Thinking I was crazy, for feeling so different..... I retreated into negative behaviors to cope.  I didn't see any way out.

I had moments, glimmers of hope. That sustained me enough to keep my eye on the prize.....
which I had no idea what it actually was. I just always knew it was more. There was more.
Even in my darkest despair, I knew there was more. I begged and prayed for guidance to show me what it was. This was no quick fix. I was an incredibly impatient person. That was my biggest lesson.
First learn patience. I marinated and stewed in that mixture for a good fifteen solid years.

I thought in the beginning it was the cruelest joke known to mankind. I was used to getting what I wanted. I thought I was a tricky manipulator. Hmmmmmm. I wonder how many people were really on to me. That was my survival. I now know this. It took many years to undo lack of  empathy for others.
I carried none in my heart, my soul for me. How could I offer it to another. I certainly understood sympathy. Always. I was always a  sympathetic human being. To face and own the side of me that held very little empathy for others feelings was truly devastating. My gift of being a people person was now being challenged to the core.  I had to face me in the harshest and unflattering light of day.

I can honestly say the day I was willing to really look at my shadow side...... not just talk about it, or
read it in a book....... my world exploded.  The layers have been peeling for so many years.
This was different. I wasn't exactly the sweet angel I thought I was. Yes, I was always a good person.
But looking at my participation in events  I had not thought I was  part of...... what  a blow!
Apologizing and really feeling it.... seeing the pain I had caused. Listening to how people felt,
not jumping in and defending my position. Tearing their heads off. Raging, judging, punishing.
All very familiar patterns. Accepting this was the biggest part of it all.

Most important. Forgiving me. As is. Loving me even more for the courage to face myself. The sides of myself that I ran fast and far from. Hurting myself terribly through the years. Hurting others.
To know this now finally rests in my past. That  day has come. It is time all of this is now a part of my
past. It will always be a part of the tapestry that makes me..... me.
Because of my experiences.... I have now learned empathy. I am not afraid to love deeply.
To express it. Not hold back..... not an ounce. Laugh fully, cry the same.
I am me. Always was. I just found a new Crew to be with. One I am blossoming with.
One who actually says they love me back. Imagine that. I am giddy over things like that.
Life's simple pleasures. In my world.... it really doesn't take much.