A Return To Sweetness

I am drained. As I write, I am listening to "All The Pretty Little Ponies." Kenny Loggins is sweetly singing in my ear. I accept. I have never felt this sweetness in my entire life. I am only recognizing this, as I hear the harmonizing voices singing, blending together. This saddens me to the core. Singing about going to sleep and when you awake, you shall have all the pretty little ponies. When I would awake, I felt stillness.
Complete alone~ness. Even in my crib I remember ~  a wanting, gnawing feeling. Just empty alone.
I am writing this, only to recognize the  "The Dark Black Hole Of Calcutta" that has been me.
 Never enough syndrome. I will not beat myself up for something I never got in the first place.
I have lived my life searching, always trying to put the  pieces of the puzzle of me together.
Trying to find the sweetness which must reside in me. I was just a child, like any child. In need of love, nurturing,cuddling, cooing. Not so different from any child in any neighborhood.

As the tears stream, they are my healing , my cleansing. I will not feel shame for crossing the river of freedom, truth. For stating my heart hurts, like so many others as a child  for lack of nurturing.
The measures I have taken to fill up this empty vessel called me. Some roads good, some not.
All in the name of "Feed me, love me, fill me, tell me I am beautiful, don't leave me. Love me."
I am leaving this shame behind today, as I listen now to" Pooh Corner." I have played these songs for my children. Never would I want my children to feel this kind of pain or anguish. Alone~ness.
No matter how old they were, or are, I would hold them, tell them how precious they are to me.
How my life changed in the most glorious way the moment they came into my life.

Now it is time to do this for myself. I have to be my own hero. No one is going to show up in this movie,
called Clare's Life, rush in and say..... I'm so sorry honey. I always loved you so deeply.
Embrace me with the warmest hug, hand me the mug of hot cocoa and warm blanket I have been handing out for so many years. No, I have to hand it to me now.  This I finally understand.
Always having to hug a mother ~  never have a hug coming for me,  made me a very good hugger~ I must say. I will look at the bright side now. I love hugging my kids. My husband.
It is time I hug me. This will take some practice. It is time to forgive myself, for whatever methods,
roads, places I have been, to fill this empty heart of yearning. I am ready to let it fill. Overflow. Let love in. Not just my husband and children's love. Those closest to my heart. It is time to branch out.
Time to trust I am worth loving. Time to let go ~ return to sweetness.