WildThing

Within this heart beats a Wild Thing. It feels so funny declaring this. I have feared this knowledge my entire life. I have fled it.... denied it, bullied it, talked down to it. What is the "It" I could possibly be referring to. I always thought it was this very out of control person that would do completely inappropriate things.
Not be able to stop, and fly off into wild abandon..... never look back.
When I took acting classes in my  late thirties, [which scared me to death] I first  faced one of my greatest fears. I always wanted to be an actress. Even as a small child. Maybe more a Princess.
I always wanted to be rescued. That was more a fantasy. So I tried it out in College..... but was far too self conscious. Oh, I was dramatic enough. With my capes and clothes. Everything I wore seemed like a costume  at one phase in life.  I fantasized about being discovered..... as every young girl does.

I don't know what motivated me at the age of 36 or so to start acting classes.
If I was going to do it, like a true Leo, I went right into the Lions den. Hollywood.
Again, I don't know why. It scared me more than I can possibly tell you. I am a small town girl.
Do not hang out in Hollywood......  although our home is only half an hour or so away.
I live in the foothills in a mountainy town. Very far removed from that world.  But Wild Thing
was calling then. I just didn't recognize the voice. It was an amazing experience for so many reasons.
First.... how I ever drove the Hollywood Freeway without fainting or vomiting I will never know.
I was white knuckling it all the way. When I finally got out of my car and into the studio...... I felt like I was in a Twilight Zone Episode. Twenty Somethings sprawled everywhere. I felt one hundred years old.
Normally I have always felt pretty ageless. Not here. Time to face a lot of fears.  Wild Thing did not know what to make of The Truly Wild Things.

Every cliche you could possibly imagine was happening. I was pretty much dubbed "Suburban Mom."
Didn't like that title too much...... but seeing the other choices around me..... seemed okay.
I think that year of learning about myself, pushing myself...... being absolutely terrified,
yet somehow loving it at the same time really allowed me to bring out something in me that
I had not allowed before. No..... not Wild Thing yet. Believe me..... a couple of the Wild Things in my class had that title nailed down. It helped me reveal raw emotions  I had not felt before.
Which led me to really being able to express so much more clearly how I felt. Much less judgement,
whether it was expressed through laughter or tears. Either way was okay.

I stopped running from Wild Thing. What was so wrong with it anyway? The more I stopped running,
the more I could see really what a sweet and fun person Wild Thing really was. No longer the out of control person of my younger years who lacked proper judgement. Got into sticky situations.....
not the greatest impulse control. Felt actually very out of control. At the mercy of my whims.
So I stifled her. Shut down her voice. Put her in a room and made her be very still.
Proper Do The Right Thing now came out to make up for the sins of The Wild Thing.
Feeling there were too many to count....... control........and more control until I sucked the life out of myself. What was left? I got it right, with very little humor. The humorous, fun loving person,
had now become cautious, look before you leap to the point of no longer moving.

Studied, trained, study more. Get it right. Consult the experts, the books. Me.... was no longer me.
The balance [ which was never there] I was now me..... just dry as a bone. The risk taker,
was now fearful. Every decision was a fork in the road. It was a process to let it go.
A very long one. An amazing one to find my way back to me. Only better. This time.... with
balance. What an incredible difference. I am so excited to let Wild Thing out. She isn't going to
do any harm. She never wanted to in the first place. She never had any guidance to show her the way.
That's all . She wasn't a bad girl. Just a girl who was surviving the best way she knew how.
While being the adult..... when she was just a child herself. I love that Little Wild Thing.
She is itching to tear up the road. She has so much energy. She just wants to play. Have a good time.
She doesn't want to cause harm to herself or anyone else anymore. She just wants to be free.