A Tale of Two Cities

I am far from done being haunted from this trip  Ray and I have taken. My mind will not shut down all the images that we have seen. I am quite sure I am not supposed to. Haunted is a good word.
It doesn't match the hotel I walked back into at night, after driving for hours on back roads, highways,
small towns, inner cities. I have no words for how sad I feel. I have tried to jump back into my
comfortable world, that I have now taken for granted. Not so many years ago worked so hard for
with my husband. Side by side, together as we built a marriage, so too we built a home from
much wreckage of our pasts combined. A very slow, impatient, imperfect process.

Just as we built the marriage brick by brick, it seemed we chose our homes. Usually very decrepit,
much in need of tender loving  care. Could life be imitating art, or vice versa?
Always the need to tear down, tear apart........ dig deep. Find out what was at the root of these houses?
Very little peace as you can imagine in our life, the constant, but necessary digging. Much peeling away for so many years. Too much baggage we both carried on this trip together. The only way to possibly survive- unloading what wasn't ours. That took much truth telling, sifting through many thoughts, emotions. Feelings that had been buried for many years. Ouch. Pushing each others buttons, and learning to trust one another. Real trust, not just ...... surface trust. As if our lives depended on it.
They did. We were putting it all out there. To be loved, rejected, trashed, embraced.
Never experiencing real intimacy in our lives, this presented true discomfort. Much testing.
We tested. Horribly. Like children. Neither of us would say this was our proudest moments in our time together. At times, we thought - this is just too painful. Something was stronger, always.

Love. We loved each other. No matter  the amount of pain we caused each other, we always had each others backs. Even when at war. We just loved each other, even when we wanted to kill each other.
Digging up roots, never easy. You never know how deeply they are embedded. How, when pulled up-
what that will trigger in another area. Ours were going off, like "The 4th Of July."
I am  one to push for change. Anyone who is close to me knows this. Not so comfortable for me either.
Just one of those things in life I must have signed up for!

Getting back to The Tale Of Two Cities -  this detour I just took you on, has brought me to this moment. Seeing so much devastation. Pushing my buttons, what it takes to rise from hopelessness.
Everywhere there is different layers, levels. The steps are always the same. The formula doesn't change, in rising from your ashes. Perhaps I have seen my Tale Of Two Cities. Lived with so much guilt from coming from such severe poverty consciousness. Rising from poverty thinking, living, behavior.
No, it wasn't on the level of shacks, run down steel mill workers. There was food and clothing.
A home to live in. The very basic necessities. Much more than what I saw while traveling.
But we raised ourselves, in my family. Six children. Just as my husband raised himself.
No guidance. Like true animals. We have been so unkind to ourselves, truly. No map book.
Again, what criminal act did we commit?  WANTING MORE?  To dream, God forbid dreaming big.
Shut that one down in a hurry.  I will finally stand tall and proud for what we have created.

The beautiful children we have. That we love more than words can express. We beam with pride.
Who truly are now our closest friends, now that they are adults. There is no one I would rather spend time with. A few other "adopted" family members I am so proud of. Love so dearly. Can't imagine not having in my life. They are and always will be my children as well. Relatives I love and am so happy I have bonded with - a real bond. It delights my heart to no end. New friends that have come into my  life, my heart. It is so much richer. My Raymond. He fills me with such JOY.  I feel so lucky to be married to the love of my life~ and best friend~ to end every night usually laughing. To feel his hugs, I am in heaven!

I no longer want to live in The Tale Of Two Cities I came from. I am editing this down to one.
I think I will follow The Yellow Brick Road. No more tearing our house apart. Our kids are insane from it. Perhaps more travel is now required in this  stage of our lives!  Enough painting a room fifteen times to get it right. [ Oh you know how those crazy artists are]   Really, time to enjoy our lives. This trip
was perhaps an eye  opener for what was in the past. It hurt, once again. My sweet hubby saw it in me.
With the warmest hug this morning he said, I'll come home early today. Too much thinking from this trip. Let's get some fresh air. I think you need to take some pictures of beauty and fill your soul. I couldn't see it. I was just "in it" That's love.