POWERFUL

I am  leaving behind my old shoes. I took them off Monday and knew I would never be returning to them. I have out grown them. They are out of style.
It is Wednesday and the sense of loss has subsided,  my heart is now just gently whimpering.
I knew I was saying goodbye to something big, but the full impact was too great to take in.
As I drove the freeway in my jeep, a rush of tears sprang from my eyes. A sound so primal from my throat gurgled out, as I tried to shift the gears from third to second. I exited the  off ramp from the freeway trying to contain my emotions. This only brought on a stronger wave of tears. As The Rolling Stones belted out  a tune, it seemed the words were made for this exact moment. I can't recall the song, but something about  a black mood, feeling the words swallowed me up  in them.  The moments were tortuous as I sat side by side several cars in traffic, as my body convulsed to the rhythm of the music. I just let go, let the river run where it needed.  Gushing, mourning, I had no idea what was taking over...... yet  somehow I did. My feelings had finally erupted, no longer contained. It was time.

I knew I was finally allowing myself to step into Womanhood. What I had feared so long~ had arrived.
Given away not purposefully.  Just systematically. Losing more of me as time went on.  Selling myself out  to be liked, loved, approved of. Monday was a day of great pain. The Great Awakening.
I realized how much of my power I had been giving away. Mrs. Rip Van Winkle had awoken from
a very deep slumber. Time to dust the cob webs off. What deep cob webs had formed!  I had to look at myself in a new way, from every angle. Physically, emotionally, you name it. Trying on clothes, and seeing how I have let myself go.  Who am I anymore. I used to have such an identity.  What happened to me ~ that loved to wear color? Who have I become? I have hidden myself deep, while  "becoming me."

The pain of letting go,  letting the  past be in the past. I see the toll it has taken. I see it in my face, my body, my spirit. It is time for my rebirth. I  have opened up and been honest. I have told my truth and revealed all of me and more. I am road weary. I am rebuilding. I am aware now of those who jump on the bandwagon and take potshots at that kind of openness.  I have  done my job. Done my work~ kept my nose to the grindstone.  I now wear my scars as a badge of honor. I earned them. I will not apologize for the  uncharted roads it has taken to get here. Some maps I have created proudly.
The patience, terror, darkness, tears, just plain sadness. I no longer care how it sounds.
If that sounds victim to some, tough shit. It's called real life..... Navigational Skills 101.
There cannot be sunshine without rain. All the New Age  positivity tires me. It's not entirely real
when emotions aren't allowed to be expressed. I am one hundred percent for  thinking positive. I am also one hundred percent for people being allowed to feel how they feel. Respecting feelings, good or bad.

Stifling feelings only makes it come out in another area, addiction. Thanks, but no thanks, already did that. It's just a thought or feeling, they will pass. Breathe, all is well. Believe.  How about a silly
little thing like just saying what you feel. Whatever that may be. Shameful or not. It is what it is.
We all have our secrets. Our shame. No one is perfect. We all are worth loving.
What about embracing that notion. Forgiveness. It starts with ourselves. There are no quick fixes.
Simply putting one foot in front of the other. Step one. We are all doing the best we can.
That is powerful. We are powerful. Enough stifling our emotions.  It's a new day, beginning now.