EXPOSED

What I look forward to everyday. More and more exposure to life. Truth. Being Real.
My patience has grown thin, in the healthiest way possible. The snakeskin has peeled off.
I am finally basking in me, for better or worse. I accept me with all  the sides I bring to the party.
This is just a part of life I now accept.  I spent so much of my existence ~ and yes, I do mean
existence. That was my life when I wanted approval above all else. I didn't live, breathe, feel joy.
I simply lay in wait for the next person to come along and tell me my worth. I should have just had a scanner made, like the ones at Target. I once tried to see  if the price would scan  me. That amused me to no end. What would my worth have been that day? Oh, such variables. Was my weight up or down?
Had I washed my hair that morning, or was it sportin' the greased look?  Had someone said something unkind..... or had I?  Maybe I should have just done the points system. Deducting ten, as we went along.
 Someone cut me off in traffic. They  must have done it on purpose [you guessed it gals, raging PMS.]

It seems comical when you step back, the things that can set us off like time bombs.  Things I have taken so personally. Someone not responding to an email.They must hate me! Couldn't be they have a life~ are busy. Or what if...... they just plain ass don't feel like it. Then here is the major doozie. What if they don't like me? I don't like everyone. I don't always feel like chatting. I am two speeds. Always have been. On and off. Never been particularly good at middle ground. I am a true Leo. When I am on~I am on. When I am not, I want to hibernate in a cave. I've used it all up~ nothing left but the fumes.
I am only learning in my forties that my battery needs some serious recharging. It always did.
I just kept going. I  would get so wiped out, I just never listened to my body. So serious illness came
a knockin. That got my attention in spurts. If I could still drag my ass out of bed, I did. "I know,"
my body said," let's keep piling one illness after another, she'll get the picture." Well, I am a little hard headed. If I could crawl..........

It's been a long road. I like the things I have now woken up to.  Do I wish I was less hard headed? Yes.
But then,  that wouldn't be me. I have to explore every avenue.  I have been told the process is quite painful to watch at times. I'm sure if I watched someone, I would want to say,
"But there's the front door, do you have to dig under the house, again?"
I think it's about learning to trust myself. No matter what it takes. Exposing myself. I no longer
care what that means to people.Telling the truth. Showing who I am. My dark side, that is not the most attractive. My vulnerable child, so trusting. So many sides, like everyone. I am rather enjoying the taking no crap side, standing up for myself. Now  that one has come very late in life. Very hard earned. Had to tussle many decades with good girl to get in there! She wasn't having it. Disapproval and all.  What a feeling to ask for what I need.  Calmly, not in a demanding way. That is much different. Empowering.
Not barking and biting. Stating with conviction. Feels good. Even using the word, "EXPOSED,"
conjours up so many images to  people. To me, it is simple. I am exposing myself to life.
This is me. As is. I like it. Feels good. I am where I want to be in this moment, that's enough for tonight.