It's My Turn

Starting over again with anything is never easy. I feel like everything in my life is about that right now.
Take two ~ with my health. I am humbled because I am exhausted again. I went to My Ear , Nose and
Throat Doctor today. He performed  surgery on me almost three years ago, which changed my life significantly. I could not breathe. I had gone to many Doctors through the  years, all passing me along.
"Nothing out of the ordinary." "You are fine." Meanwhile I would get one infection after the other.
This has gone on my entire life. When I was sixteen, due to so many sore throats and infections I finally got my tonsils removed. Didn't change much, but I got to eat lot of ice cream.  I was thrilled I lost ten pounds during that time.

When I was three, I had  gotten pneumonia so badly I almost died. I was in LA Children's Hospital for two weeks. So began my immune system challenge. Having been given so many antibiotics through the years  and never getting to the true source of the problem, the problems merely multiplied. By the time I had gotten to my Doctor I was a mess, and no longer believed I could be helped. He is one of the leading in the Country for what I needed. Fancy that. He listened and understood. He got it. He seemed to get me. He told me I would be able to breathe again, I wasn't crazy. Music to my ears.

I had the surgery, and the quality of my life improved substantially. He also tested me for mono. I found out I had gotten that as a teen, that was part of my exhaust. Also tested me for Epstein Barr. Tested positive. He has a protocol, that he figured out while at USC that helps people with Epstein Barr regain strength and  energy. While he was in the Navy, as a surgeon it was used, so he brought it into his practice here in Los Angeles. Lucky us that he figured this stuff out. He is very compassionate.
 I began taking it. A shot every month that helped with energy. It seemed to be working fine.
I later decided to have mercury removed from my teeth. I knew for some time that had been a problem for me. I made the appointment, and  soon began this process. Again, another compassionate doctor.
I had seven removed in one sitting. One of the most grueling experiences I have been through.
I had two caesareans~ this was right up there. It was a very tough process. The exhaust on my body from the toxins, for months  after made me question many things.  I had this procedure this past September. It was done by an extremely competent Dentist, trained  specifically for this kind of procedure. I wouldn't have gone to just anyone, I wanted someone who really knew about mercury.
So, to be back at this state I am once again, this past month is very upsetting and mystifying.

I went to the ENT Doctor today again mainly just to pay a bill, stopping by it had been awhile. I love all the gals who run the office. Life has a way of challenging what you believe, where you are at.
I decided to stick around for an impromptu appointment. My Doc informed me it had been almost a year since I had last been in. Tension was in the air. We have always gotten along pretty well.
I felt his anger. Or was it frustration? I knew I had to do it my way, as always. He has been incredibly good to my family. We have been very grateful. I was not trying to be disrespectful in any way. I just needed to try something different. So today was our show down. Whoa. Two fiery people.
I  just didn't want to be back in a Doctor's Office again. I have lived so much of my life in those walls.
How could I explain that to him? I needed to fly out of the nest and try it on my own.

I  got some lunch and waited for the Pharmacy downstairs from his office to reopen. I felt so defeated and alone as I sat in  a small cafe, listening to hipsters talking about the movies they were working on..... producing. I knew Ray would have laughed and said, "Shoot me,  it feels like I am at work." We would have laughed about those "Hollywood Types" he has to have meetings with every single day. Instead I just sat there and said "shut up" in my head. A very weak shut up, I was feeling sorry  for myself, and quite lethargic. Time stood still as I fiddled with my food. I wished I was with a friend at that moment. All my independence and I can do everything alone.......I was feeling it all. Just needed a friend.

So back I went, prescription shot in hand, getting ready for that wonderful  needle in the hip.
Memories. I think I have fought this so much, because I could not will my body well. I have done
unbelievable amounts of letting go, especially since October. Body battering~ non stop.
Perhaps that is the point. I haven't stopped. Writing, releasing, feeling....... bleeding my soul.
My body is just fried. Any humans would be, but mine,  did not have this kind of energy in the first place. The twenty pounds I have gained, I sure am not digging. I do not like being a chubbette. I want to be back in my cute clothes. My basic black are not cutting it. Summer is coming.
Part of the weight gain has been feeling safe, while doing this work. The other part only now I am really recognizing, I am scared. Having let go of so many of my fears that have haunted me, I want to feel safe in my body all the way. I have exposed so much of me. My truths, my secrets, my life.
My little extra cushion has helped.   I have to face my feelings without stuffing my feelings, vomiting them, putting extra weight around my body to protect myself. I am here to protect me. I am more than capable of this. It is okay to be female. It is not a crime. I am not bad for it. It is okay to want to attempt to feel pretty. The Pretty Police aren't going to come after me and write me up for not being pretty.

I am who I am. I look how I look. I have never  really known how I looked. It has always been veiled
by voices from the past of anger, hatred, disdain. Monster images have always floated before me when I looked in a mirror. I have prided my self with wit and humor. Being a do~er. A pleaser.
Never just for me. Could never imagine that in the past. Today that is all changing. I believe my health shall, too. I am enough. I have done enough. I really can't do anymore right now, my body is screaming that. Somebody else can pick up the torch, for now. I have kept it burning a long time.
I need to just sit and watch the glow, simply bask in it. That is how I will heal,  I KNOW IT.
Enough Clare. You have done your job to date, and you will do it again. Time to rest. Heal.
Enough humble pie. I have had a lifetime of it. I am declaring, it's my turn.