Little Grandmas Hands

Sunday is Mothers Day.
I have had so many emotions coming up for me this week. Very few about my own Mother. I will see her on Friday, with my sister and daughter.
I feel very little emotion. I wish I had another feeling for my Mother. But, just half an hour ago,
 a wellspring of emotion burst forth. Not for her unfortunately. I didn't even know where it came from.
One moment I was making a shake, and the next I was on the computer on youtube, playing
"Fly Me To The Moon," Little Grandma's favorite song, sung by Tony Bennett.  That was it.
The tears came, and flooded the room. I didn't know what I was even feeling.  My heart just missed her. Little Grandma. Maybe talking about Italy so much. Maybe just..... because.
As I write this, there is a dull ache, I don't understand, I did this already. I already mourned her. Yet,
I am feeling it in a different place.
I want her back.  I understand now, as tears obstruct my vision.
 I get it now. Can't I go back, I have patience now. Please, can't I have that time, when I was impatient and wanted the time to go faster? I didn't know I would never get this moment back.
I want her. I want her to hold my hands, rub my back, tell me she loves me.

I would give anything to hear her say, "What are you gonna do?" I didn't get it. This is a woman who
had lived nine decades. She had long outlived her husband and buried her daughter..... which was also her best friend. Very little education, she still figured things out.
She kept it simple. That's how she lived. Simplicity. She loved God, her family, life. Food. Gambling. Not in an obnoxious way, more like an excited school girl who saved her pennies. She did everything in moderation.
She walked until her late eighties. She drank her wine, used her olive oil. Ate her fresh veggies.
Used her Oil of Olay religiously. She had beautiful skin. People always thought she was my Mother,
until she stopped coloring her hair.
That drove my Mother insane. No love loss there.
My Mother never liked my Grandma. Always thought she was ignorant. Not educated.
The truth is, because of my Grandmother's warmth, all the Grandchildren gravitated naturally towards her. My Mother is a nice person, extremely hard working, very ethical. Extremely religious.
Just not warm hearted.  It is just who she is. I have grappled with this my entire life.
Her pain runs so deep, it will not be extinguished in this lifetime. I have tried every conceivable way to help douse her flames, they simply will not be put out. Her heart is too wounded,  she is simply not willing. Only in writing this, I see it is the fairest assessment I have ever given her. Must be letting go.
I cannot keep beating myself up. It just simply is~

I will feel proud to pay tribute and honor, to the woman~ Grandma, who came to my Wedding,
even when a Priest told my Mother it was fine for her to attend, even though it wasn't in a Catholic Church. Still she wouldn't budge.  It was one of the greatest pains of my life, the choice my parents made.
Grandma proudly looked on, as Ray and I took our vows. This tiny Italian woman went against her son and daughter-in law, while living in their back house, knowing the wrath.... doing it anyway.
Because I was her grandchild. Because she loved me. Because  Family came first.
She taught me more with that single act, than just about anything. Anyone and anything I stand up for..... is because of her.
I am not afraid, I have her feistiness and strength.

I wish this was a celebration of my Mother. 
Little Grandma was the Mother of my heart.
I pay tribute to the way she viewed life. It is not that she was perfect. It was her real~ness,
her love of beauty, people..... She was love.  She welcomed all into her home. She was Little Grandma to everyone. Anyone who came in a stranger, walked out her Grand Child.
There was plenty of her to go around for all us Grandchildren. We basked in the warmth of her love.
We became more. We grew up in such a dry desert of emotion, going out to her house,  filling up on her praise and nurturing, we blossomed.  To feel her hands wrapped around ours, so warm and secure,
for that moment ~  time stood still. All was well.  Who sustained her? Through her sorrows,
cancer, losses? This was the same woman my Mother called ignorant, weak, embarrassing.

Grandma, you were strength, grace, beauty. Bless you for loving  us all. You were our Guardian Angel. Without you, none of us would be as gentle,  kind as we are. You are with your grandchildren  and their 
 children.  You made a difference. Bless you for loving as you did. We loved you. I love you.
I miss you, though I know you are never far.
 Happy Mother"s Day.