Moving Forward

I have gone backwards for many months now. It was the only way possible to get me back on the road,to forward motion. No two ways about it. No regrets ~ just relief. I can feel the stillness in the air beginning to lift.  Whether self imposed, it doesn't matter. It had to happen. It has been a challenge.
To sit in this  recycled stew, yet again...... the louder amped up version. No mercy in sight.
Let's get it done Clare. Finish it up. Time to let it be. Move forward. We are done  with this part.
Mourn it, beat it, bitch it, cry it out, this one is not coming back. This chapter, it's time to let it.           Rest~ In ~Peace.
Some will not be coming along this trip. The ultimate tug of war.  Survival of the fittest.
Time to decide.  What is my worth? The "Titanic" question I pose to myself frequently to get through.
Who's going in the raft? Each step there has been sacrifices to move forward. Now I am at that crucial marker again. Ouch, my heart hurts. The decision always has to be made.  It is not always conscious at the  time.Yet the tears are forming. Lightweight. I know this part. Moving forward means saying goodbye.


I realize this is a very healthy place to be. Saying goodbye to friends, even ones that haven't served me
is a very difficult task, all the same. The day I said goodbye to Bulimia, seven years ago.
Consciously. After twenty five years my heart had the greatest sorrow. My best friend, my confidant.
My relief. My world, I didn't want to say goodbye. That is how my heart feels today.
My coping mechanism. It was what I knew~how to get through, survival. Now as the tears
free flow, I realize my other Best Friend, People Pleaser is leaving. I am sad more than I can say.
My heart weeps deeper tears than I imagined possible. My other coping mechanism to get through.
Bulimia was just the relief, the purging. People Pleaser has been my life line.
My tool I have held closely to me. My bag of tricks, finely honed. Guaranteed to work in almost every situation. It has gotten me through, what I have needed.  Manipulating~ to have the guaranteed outcome I have needed to obtain. So much for carefree girl look. That theory has just been shot to hell, as I out myself as the ultimate control freak that I truly am. Terrified of winging it. Time to take off the  training wheels, see what I am really made of.

Another road I am ready to travel, precisely because I am so uncomfortable with it.  Stepping into the shoes of, "Like me for me." Terrified to find out the truth. It has usually been what I can do for someone.
With Love, Comfort,  Mothering, Taking Care Of..... the list goes on. Now this time it is just ME.
Yikes, scary. Me for myself. What a notion. Am I enough? I will find out.  To my husband
I feel enough, I feel his love no matter what state I am in..... and he has seen them all.
It has definitely been for better or worse. I wish it hasn't been for worse so much. I would like to turn that around. Give him back all the love he has given me. Oceans  and skies, than multiply that by 1000.
My children, they love me  for me, which confounds me. Confuses me. Perplexes me. My kids~ with hearts as big as Moons, Suns, The Universe. I am MORE when I am in their presence.
My family fills me with warmth and life. Joy. Laughter. Love. I want to be the best I can be when I look
in their eyes. My heart sings. I never feel more at home, than with them.

It is time to say goodbye once  again. I am at that fork in the road we all must come to. Over and over
again. That is the only way we grow, move forward. It is never easy. Ever. But we look back, remember the good times if we can. Wish the past well...... and those who were  part of helping us get here.
Wrap our arms around life, hold it tight. The good, bad and in between. It is all ours. I wouldn't leave an ounce out. Not anymore. It is me...... mine. How  I got here. Mistakes, rough edges, that's what  has helped me weather the storms so well. Those steely edges. I have just learned to round them off.
It is time to take the protective  bubble packaging the store sent to protect  my heart.......OFF.
It will be raw, scary, new.  Slow going at times. I know this road. I am ready. Been down many roads like this before. Fortunately I have had much practice. I see a lantern  up ahead, always a good sign.